Living for him.

Death is just a scary thing. Like, I dunno if you're not sapose to be scared of it or not. But im terrified. I'd like to say im not, and that I believe im going straight to heaven and to meet jesus. But that would be a lie. Like, does dieing hurt? Do you know your dead right away, or is it just like, as if you were sleeping, without the dreaming and the assurence your going to wake up in a couple hours. I don't know, It's like.. I believe in God and I try my best to live my life for jesus, but somedays I doubt myself if im even doing a good enough job to even be concidered into heaven. Like seriously, what does a good christian have to do to get into heaven? Some people say, just be a "good person" in general. Others say give up everything you own. Some say, read the bible, and live your life for him the best you can. (Hopefuly it's the last one or im shit out of luck!). Because, I don't think I could give up everything I owned. And I don't believe you only have to be a "good person" in general and not even believe in god to get into heaven.

Everyday I wake up in the morning, and I try my very best from that minute on to live my life to the best I can. I think way more then I ever did, and I choose my actions and words very carefuly. When I feel a negative thought comeing on I get rid of it before I can even process the whole thing. Which is good, because I don't get pissed off as much anymore.

Anyways, what do you guys think about death and heaven? Im so confused right now. Like sometimes I even doubt im actuly a christian. Like, I think im one of those people who, say their christian, and even act like it, read the bible everynight; talk to people about jesus; go to youth group n such; don't drink or anything; believe in jesus and fuly trust in him; pray everynight... but somehow, im not really a true christian. Like does that even make sence? Can you be and do all of those things and not be a christian? I really hope I am, like I want to be, I try my best to be, I believe I am, (most of the time) except when I get these thoughts in my head, which I also believe is the devil putting these negativities in my mind to make me second guess my love for god. Which is aful and I wish it wouldn't happen to me. Next time this happens I think im just going to put it right out of my head before I start to think about it. But if anyone has any input to this I would really love to hear it, so post a comment if you wish.

-alyson.lw