Okay, So why is it that.. everything ALWAYS seems to fall apart at exactly the same time. Nothing ever just gradually falls apart and starts to suck, it just all at once hits you. Well atleast that is the case for me. I really don't know what to do. I am falling apart, real fast, and real hard. The one person I could really use right now, the one person I actuly enjoy talking to, the person I can tell everything to and somehow manages to make everything seem alot better then it really is.. is gone away from me for over a month. I really don't know what to do, I need someone to talk to, to freak out at about life..someone to make me smile and forget about all the gay crap going on in my life right now.
*Miss you.<3
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
You Don't Know Me.
Hm.. so after 5 years, i finaly got busted. My parents oficialy know about the drinking, its just too bad there a little too late. I must say, today was the most akward conversation I would say I would ever have to have with my mother. I don't even know like, what to think? She was like, pissed/upset/surprized. I mean really, i dont see what the big surprize is, if it took her this long to figure it out, i must be really good at hiding who i really am. Its pretty sad when even the person who brought you into this world, can know nothing about you. So for those of you who know me, don't be surprized..if you really don't know me at all.
Iv stated before in this blog, that i am very good at hiding behind a smile. I am very good at faking a whole identity of someone im not, im very good at pretending im the "gurl who has it all together", when really, everything has already fallin apart.
Every teenager has had or will have there stage in life where they rebel and don't listen to their parents, and infact, do just the exact opposite just dispite them. Every teenager goes through hard times, times where they just don't think they can do it anymore. Times where the only thing that is standing in their way, are the people who care the most about them. Times when the only way out of all of this stress and unknowingness is drinking or what ever it may be. But me, my stage.. my stage is my whole life. I cannot escape it. A very good friend once said to me: "you are who you are, you can never change. You may think you can and have and you can try, but it only last a short while. Because deep down inside, this is who you are." I tried to prove him wrong, and i almost did, for almost 2 years.. until I finaly hit rock bottom, and my life came crashing down. When i finaly gave into everything that was trying to pull me back down. Some people don't understand, that somethings in life, just aren't worth fighting for. Somethings in life you just arent strong enough to over come them. Somethings in life you can not get through without your friends. And tell me this.. how are you sapose to be helped by friends, when they are going through the same thing. They are the ones bringin you down. Its the harsh circle of life people. You can't have everything, although we like to think we can, reality is..we just can't.
Someone asked me "is this what you want. Is this really who you want to be?" But do we really have a choice? Personaly I don't really think we do. I think someone along the road put the idea in everyones head that we did have a choice to be who we are. But really, i think our lives have already been decided for us. They'v been decided since god assigned us to our parents. I think this because, Kids are the spitting image of their parents. Its not who they want to be that they become, its who their parents raised them to be that is who they are. Well, unless ur the exception like me, and do the exact opposite of what your parents tell you to do, and let them believe for 5 years that their child is a little angle. Let them believe for 17 years that they raised you so well, that your not like all the other teenagers out their, that your not a dissapointment to them.
These next few weeks, or like month, is going to be really hard. Alot of stuff is going on that im not quite sure how its going to be handeld. So it should be interesting.
Iv stated before in this blog, that i am very good at hiding behind a smile. I am very good at faking a whole identity of someone im not, im very good at pretending im the "gurl who has it all together", when really, everything has already fallin apart.
Every teenager has had or will have there stage in life where they rebel and don't listen to their parents, and infact, do just the exact opposite just dispite them. Every teenager goes through hard times, times where they just don't think they can do it anymore. Times where the only thing that is standing in their way, are the people who care the most about them. Times when the only way out of all of this stress and unknowingness is drinking or what ever it may be. But me, my stage.. my stage is my whole life. I cannot escape it. A very good friend once said to me: "you are who you are, you can never change. You may think you can and have and you can try, but it only last a short while. Because deep down inside, this is who you are." I tried to prove him wrong, and i almost did, for almost 2 years.. until I finaly hit rock bottom, and my life came crashing down. When i finaly gave into everything that was trying to pull me back down. Some people don't understand, that somethings in life, just aren't worth fighting for. Somethings in life you just arent strong enough to over come them. Somethings in life you can not get through without your friends. And tell me this.. how are you sapose to be helped by friends, when they are going through the same thing. They are the ones bringin you down. Its the harsh circle of life people. You can't have everything, although we like to think we can, reality is..we just can't.
Someone asked me "is this what you want. Is this really who you want to be?" But do we really have a choice? Personaly I don't really think we do. I think someone along the road put the idea in everyones head that we did have a choice to be who we are. But really, i think our lives have already been decided for us. They'v been decided since god assigned us to our parents. I think this because, Kids are the spitting image of their parents. Its not who they want to be that they become, its who their parents raised them to be that is who they are. Well, unless ur the exception like me, and do the exact opposite of what your parents tell you to do, and let them believe for 5 years that their child is a little angle. Let them believe for 17 years that they raised you so well, that your not like all the other teenagers out their, that your not a dissapointment to them.
These next few weeks, or like month, is going to be really hard. Alot of stuff is going on that im not quite sure how its going to be handeld. So it should be interesting.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Song I wrote today
when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
shes calling out your name
wont you come and heal her pain
caz shes sick of going crazy
and its driving her insain
when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
shes reaching out to you
shes starting to loose hope
shes starting to give up
caz day by day shes finding she cant cope, and
when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
shes searching for an answer
for the questions of this life
how much longer could it take
just for her to get it right
when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
she wonders when her time will come
for you to reach out and save her
shes falling down
shes falling
shes falling down
and you cant save her now
she breaks the broken then falls apart
shes calling out your name
wont you come and heal her pain
caz shes sick of going crazy
and its driving her insain
when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
shes reaching out to you
shes starting to loose hope
shes starting to give up
caz day by day shes finding she cant cope, and
when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
shes searching for an answer
for the questions of this life
how much longer could it take
just for her to get it right
when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
she wonders when her time will come
for you to reach out and save her
shes falling down
shes falling
shes falling down
and you cant save her now
Monday, October 22, 2007
& when she falls; she falls so hard.
So just when things were finaly starting to look up for me (minus my new concussion), ofcourse they would go and turn it all upside down. I was finaly really happy, and had no complaints. Even the concussion for the past two weeks never got me down. I had the best weekend of my life, met the nicest person ever. And now it's all going to be taken away from me. Obv, caz that always happens. I dunno, im getting a little bit frustrated with life in general these days. I hate hate HATE school. And concussions, and people, and just pretty much everything. I don't know why this always happens to me. Its like im suck prone er something, along with accident prone.
I hate when this happens caz im not one of those people who slip up a little bit, or get a little sad or frustrated for a short period of time but doesn't let it affect the rest of my life. Im the person who holds on for so long until shes about to break, and cant take it anymore... until I finaly let go, and fall harder then the last time. I try way too much to be strong because I don't like to depend on other people to make things easier on my life. I try to conqure the world by myself, and day by day im learning more and more that I can't do that anymore.
When I was younger things use to go wrong in my life but I could just ignore it and brush it off my shoulder. Back then I could just say "someday i will look back on this and laugh". And you know what, when i look back on things from middle school and elementary school I do laugh, alot. But as I got older I realized I don't have the patience that i had 5-8 years ago. Anxiety collects over time, and eventually, you end up in gr.12..not being able to handle all the pressures life throws at you about university, friends, guys, lifestyles..etc. Stress Stress Stress.
The only thing that changes over the years are the ways in which people tend to deal with stress. They don't have the imagination they use to so instead of saying "we'll just laugh about this later", teenagers tend to turn to quick fix's..becauses thats the only way they see is out. So they waist their lives away on drugs and alcohol instead of figuring a normal more civilized way out. Like talking to someone, learning how to handle and deal with stress more easily. If only it worked that way, instead..because of life's crap, people are forced to sit back and watch their friends and people they care about, waist away to nothing as their brain gets fried or there liver fails and they end up dieing. Yes thats right, death can be a result to stress. Stress can lead to hard drugs, alcoholism or even suicide (which is less common but happens).
I don't really know what im getting at with all of this. But when will the confusion, frustration and depression end? When will people finaly grow up and realize they can't always run away from their problems. Its funny when I say "grow up" because really, i think they need to "grow down", because kids seem to be the innocent ones who don't seem to let anything bother them longer then 2 minutes. Kids today worry too much about growing up. They want to grow up too fast, so fast that they try drugs, alcohol, sex..etc, and it ends up ruining their child innocence. My advice to young people is to not grow up. Try and stay young as long as possible, it will help you in the long run. When i was little I always use to wish my life away because i wanted to be in highschool. Then i wanted my liscence... then i wanted to be in grade 12, now That i have everything I ever wanted. All i want is to be a few years younger with less things to worry about.
I hate when this happens caz im not one of those people who slip up a little bit, or get a little sad or frustrated for a short period of time but doesn't let it affect the rest of my life. Im the person who holds on for so long until shes about to break, and cant take it anymore... until I finaly let go, and fall harder then the last time. I try way too much to be strong because I don't like to depend on other people to make things easier on my life. I try to conqure the world by myself, and day by day im learning more and more that I can't do that anymore.
When I was younger things use to go wrong in my life but I could just ignore it and brush it off my shoulder. Back then I could just say "someday i will look back on this and laugh". And you know what, when i look back on things from middle school and elementary school I do laugh, alot. But as I got older I realized I don't have the patience that i had 5-8 years ago. Anxiety collects over time, and eventually, you end up in gr.12..not being able to handle all the pressures life throws at you about university, friends, guys, lifestyles..etc. Stress Stress Stress.
The only thing that changes over the years are the ways in which people tend to deal with stress. They don't have the imagination they use to so instead of saying "we'll just laugh about this later", teenagers tend to turn to quick fix's..becauses thats the only way they see is out. So they waist their lives away on drugs and alcohol instead of figuring a normal more civilized way out. Like talking to someone, learning how to handle and deal with stress more easily. If only it worked that way, instead..because of life's crap, people are forced to sit back and watch their friends and people they care about, waist away to nothing as their brain gets fried or there liver fails and they end up dieing. Yes thats right, death can be a result to stress. Stress can lead to hard drugs, alcoholism or even suicide (which is less common but happens).
I don't really know what im getting at with all of this. But when will the confusion, frustration and depression end? When will people finaly grow up and realize they can't always run away from their problems. Its funny when I say "grow up" because really, i think they need to "grow down", because kids seem to be the innocent ones who don't seem to let anything bother them longer then 2 minutes. Kids today worry too much about growing up. They want to grow up too fast, so fast that they try drugs, alcohol, sex..etc, and it ends up ruining their child innocence. My advice to young people is to not grow up. Try and stay young as long as possible, it will help you in the long run. When i was little I always use to wish my life away because i wanted to be in highschool. Then i wanted my liscence... then i wanted to be in grade 12, now That i have everything I ever wanted. All i want is to be a few years younger with less things to worry about.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
God Is Out To Get Me.
So i got to go for my second ambulance ride this morning. Im starting to get pissed off at life. Im always getting hurt. My LAST day of fieldhockey, like fuuccck. Some tank ass bitch HAS to slam her 500 pound body into my head. She just HAD to. I was finaly just getting over a concussion that ruined my life for a good year n a half. Now I get to do it ALL over again. Im soo pissed. Like, everytime I finaly start to like my life, somethings serious comes along and happens to me to ruin my life some more. I swear God's out to get me these days. Like seriously.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Break Me
Have you ever, ever crossed your heart, ever hoped to die
Have you ever, ever fell apart, ever told a lie
This is the story of my life these days. Im so confused. I have no idea what I want. Well actuly, I know what I want, but I also know what I want and can't seem to have. It really is complicated you know, life. Sometimes I just think it sucks. Really, how is it that I can figure out a complicated 3D puzzel, or even put together a computer desk, without instructions..even though they are there if I need them. But the one thing I can't figure out, as hard and as much as I try, over and over again, doesn't come with instructions just to back me up when I get it wrong. Life is the one thing that should come with an instruction book.
Oh crap, I think I just realized the answer to my complaint. Life does come with an instruction book, a vey large one that many people choose not to read, because, like a map..people think they can find their way on there own. The instruction book i am refering to is the Bible.
Okay, this night just on keeps gettin more weird. I just recieved a letter in the mail. On the front of the envelope it didnt say who it was from, just that it was for me. I opened it, in curiosity, only to find that what was inside was exactly what i needed right now. It was a letter from TEC (teens encounter christ), that i filled out about my weekend at tec in may. At the top of the letter it says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to prosper you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Hmm... I do believe God is trying to tell me something. And I do believe hes telling me to grow up, get my life together, stop giving up so easily, and to start fighting for what I believe in. I really just need to believe in myself. I am trying, I really am..but somehow I keep giving up on myself before I can even start to try.
Have you ever, ever fell apart, ever told a lie
This is the story of my life these days. Im so confused. I have no idea what I want. Well actuly, I know what I want, but I also know what I want and can't seem to have. It really is complicated you know, life. Sometimes I just think it sucks. Really, how is it that I can figure out a complicated 3D puzzel, or even put together a computer desk, without instructions..even though they are there if I need them. But the one thing I can't figure out, as hard and as much as I try, over and over again, doesn't come with instructions just to back me up when I get it wrong. Life is the one thing that should come with an instruction book.
Oh crap, I think I just realized the answer to my complaint. Life does come with an instruction book, a vey large one that many people choose not to read, because, like a map..people think they can find their way on there own. The instruction book i am refering to is the Bible.
Okay, this night just on keeps gettin more weird. I just recieved a letter in the mail. On the front of the envelope it didnt say who it was from, just that it was for me. I opened it, in curiosity, only to find that what was inside was exactly what i needed right now. It was a letter from TEC (teens encounter christ), that i filled out about my weekend at tec in may. At the top of the letter it says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to prosper you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Hmm... I do believe God is trying to tell me something. And I do believe hes telling me to grow up, get my life together, stop giving up so easily, and to start fighting for what I believe in. I really just need to believe in myself. I am trying, I really am..but somehow I keep giving up on myself before I can even start to try.
Monday, October 08, 2007
Wake Up Call.
"Your barried in your loss of innocence, wondering if you'll find it again.."
Everyone is searching for that innocence they lost along time ago. Let's face it, shit happens. People aren't perfect forever, people are not kids forever. People grow up, live their lives, and make mistakes. However; it isnt as easy to make mistakes as when you were little, and people said "kids will be kids", because they havent lost their innocence yet. Teenagers on the other hand, even adults, they screw up and noone can ever seem to forgive them.
But even threw it all, threw all the people that will look down on you for your mistakes, all the people who can either "forgive" but not "forget", or just not forgive at all..even after all those people have passed their judgments, theres still one person who will never pass judgement on you. He may be dissapointed, but he will never give up. He will never believe your a screw up, or worthless, or just a big mistake. Over the past couple months I have seem to forgotten this. Forgotten everything I believed in. Everything I lived for, everything that made me believe every mourning i woke up that i still had a chance to change, a chance to make a difference in not only my self but the world. God is the one person who will love you when it's all over. When its all not okay, after the rain falls and even after the sun goes out. In the song "After The World" by Disciple, it explains how much god loves us, and how he will never stop loving us, no matter what, even after the world is over. It wasn't until I heard this song the other day, that I even remembered who God really is. And what God has done in my life for so long.. how could I just forget him like that? Let a few mistakes and the loss of my innocence completly erase him from my mind. This song really spoke to me in powerful words, I think its my wake up call. I have been going down the wrong path lately, some to which it has been out of my controle. Sometimes, it takes more then strength to win the fight of life. Sometimes its way beyond self controle, its way beyond what your friends may think, what your family may think, or even what you yourself may think. Strength is all i can ask for, but I can only ask it of one person. And that person is someone I have been leaving behind in my life latly, so no matter how much strength i asked for, i was never going to recieve it. This time it's different, this time i have realized where i went wrong and the mistakes I've made on the way. This time im going to try, instead of telling people I am, when really i know damn well im not. I tend to do that.. lie, to cover up my life. I don't like knowing that people have me all figured out, because it happens alot in my life where people think they know me, but really have no sweet clue. I tend to lie, and hide behind a smile very well these days. My true identity has yet to be discovered. Im still searching for it myself.
Everyone is searching for that innocence they lost along time ago. Let's face it, shit happens. People aren't perfect forever, people are not kids forever. People grow up, live their lives, and make mistakes. However; it isnt as easy to make mistakes as when you were little, and people said "kids will be kids", because they havent lost their innocence yet. Teenagers on the other hand, even adults, they screw up and noone can ever seem to forgive them.
But even threw it all, threw all the people that will look down on you for your mistakes, all the people who can either "forgive" but not "forget", or just not forgive at all..even after all those people have passed their judgments, theres still one person who will never pass judgement on you. He may be dissapointed, but he will never give up. He will never believe your a screw up, or worthless, or just a big mistake. Over the past couple months I have seem to forgotten this. Forgotten everything I believed in. Everything I lived for, everything that made me believe every mourning i woke up that i still had a chance to change, a chance to make a difference in not only my self but the world. God is the one person who will love you when it's all over. When its all not okay, after the rain falls and even after the sun goes out. In the song "After The World" by Disciple, it explains how much god loves us, and how he will never stop loving us, no matter what, even after the world is over. It wasn't until I heard this song the other day, that I even remembered who God really is. And what God has done in my life for so long.. how could I just forget him like that? Let a few mistakes and the loss of my innocence completly erase him from my mind. This song really spoke to me in powerful words, I think its my wake up call. I have been going down the wrong path lately, some to which it has been out of my controle. Sometimes, it takes more then strength to win the fight of life. Sometimes its way beyond self controle, its way beyond what your friends may think, what your family may think, or even what you yourself may think. Strength is all i can ask for, but I can only ask it of one person. And that person is someone I have been leaving behind in my life latly, so no matter how much strength i asked for, i was never going to recieve it. This time it's different, this time i have realized where i went wrong and the mistakes I've made on the way. This time im going to try, instead of telling people I am, when really i know damn well im not. I tend to do that.. lie, to cover up my life. I don't like knowing that people have me all figured out, because it happens alot in my life where people think they know me, but really have no sweet clue. I tend to lie, and hide behind a smile very well these days. My true identity has yet to be discovered. Im still searching for it myself.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Stresss.
So, today was interesting. I was sick all yesterday and just felt worse today. But ofcourse I have to go to school this semester because I have co-op that I can't miss. So feelin like crap as the day went on, it just kept getting better. I missed my first fieldhockey game because i was too sick to even attempt to play. Which sucked caz i love fieldhockey with my life and were coming down into the last few weeks of season. So i came home mad i had to miss my game, to the well known surprize of a conversation long seen coming. A conversation with someone I really didn't want to have a conversation with, especaily that conversation. I really didn't know what to say, because I promised I wouldn't lie to this person anymore. But it's so hard not to sometimes because I really hate to let this specific person down. Some people just can't except change, others tend to dwell in it. I am just trying to do this person a favor. I know it isn't the answer but i thought it might make things get better, not nessisairaly for me, but for that person. I dunno, things didn't exactly end the way I had planned, and I probly could of handled the situation alot better, but im under alot of stress these days and I just can't handle anything else.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Thank You;
You showed me i can not handle everything on my own. You showed me im not as strong as i like to think i am. You showed me that it is possible to hit rock bottom, more then once in life. Your an obstical in life i thought id never overcome. A constant reminder of everything i hate, in not only the world, but myself. Because of you I now know how easy it is to hide behind a smile, to pretend everything is okay, when clearly it isnt. Because of you i realized there are some things in life just not worth getting upset over, some people in life who just aren't worth it, some situations you'd be better off staying away from, but wheres the fun in that? Life is a huge question mark, waiting to be answered. But when will it ever be answered? When will someone figure out the full meaning of life, so that there are no more questions, no more pain, no more scilent crys, trying to hide behind a smile that just isn't big enough. When will people be able to stop lying for other peoples satisfaction. Only time will tell, after all..isn't that all we have?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
