Do you ever wonder why people just don't listen? When do people actuly know that enough is enough. You can warn a person with flashing lights and a fog horn not to further continue something, yet still, the proceed with caution. But maby this time caution isn't enough. Maby this time you should just stop completly and turn away. Just to be safe. Better safe then sorry they always say. Well, im beginning to think that is true. Because iv been stayin on the safe side of things, and the minute you try and cross that side, you end up sorry with no going back.
Someday soon I am going to turn around and walk away.. and im not going to look back once. I am going to walk away right out of your life, out of everyones life. I am not going to have the chance to think twice about it either. I will get my plane ticket and my bags and I will never see you again. If this is going nowhere fast, and im going somewhere soon.. then we minse well just quit now while were ahead. This was the peice taken out of the bottom to make the rest fall.
Someday sorry isn't going to matter. Someday friendship isn't going to matter. Someday all of this isn't going to matter. Someday , real soon.
This came to me last night while I was lying in bed trying to sleep but I just couldn't.
why do you pretend that your okay
when your not
why do you laugh and fake a smile
just to please the crowd
why do you try to stand up tall
when your falling apart
why do you run and try to hide
when your not that hard to find
This time im not gonna let it hurt this bad. This time it's all going to be okay.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
The value of life; taken for granted.
Hm.. the concept of life? What is it? Do we really know? Do we really understand the value of life? Or do we take it for granted. Some people believe that you should live each moment as if it were your last, so make sure youre having a good time. But, could that be what is causeing the end of some of our lives? People who are living just to have a "goodtime". The people living their lives as if each moment were their last, could possibly just be setting themselves up for it being their last moment. Sometimes those peoples "fun" gets out of hand, and leads to serious consequences that could lead to death. Is that little bit of fun really worth your entire life? Is it really worth your chances of graduating, going to university, falling inlove and getting married, haveing a family, living on your own. Is it really worth never having the chance to prove all of those people wrong who told you that you were going to go nowhere in life, who didn't believe in you, who told you that you weren't good enough? I think people are too busy living their lives to the "fullest", to realize there is no such thing. You never know when your time is going to run up, you never know when your life is just going to shit the bed, and you especaily never know when other peoples lives may end.
I don't know, I just think people are too busy and too concerned with having fun, that they are to blind to see that they need to grow up. These people seriously need to get a hold on their own lives, stop worring about other peoples, and get there selves together. Because, sooner or later, their going to realize it, and it is going to be too late. Noone is ever garunteed more time, extra life, that last minute to tell someone your sorry or that you love them.
Lately I find myself getting to caught up in having a good time. Making sure my grade 12 year is the best yet. Doing everything without a worry in the world, because in 8 months from now I am going to have the oportunity to start over. But honestly, it is just recently making sence to me that noone even garunteed me those 8 months. But i mean, I say this everytime, that im serious, that im going to get my life together & chill out. But its not as easy as it seems. My life is a little more complicated then that. I am a little more complicated then that. The difference between me and other people is, they do this for themselves and to have fun, I do this because its all i know, and im trying to ignore everything else, and hurt other people, but hurting myself. I don't do it on purpose, it's like i'v said before, Its alot easier for me to hurt other people then it is for me to care for other people, and even care for myself. I think everything is a big joke when it comes to death and stuff, because i don't realize it really can happen. And iv just been shown it can and does happen. Although, the strange thing is, I really don't know if it bothers me. Infact, I don't think it does. Hopefuly some day I will realize I need to stop before I get out of hand. And loose the "don't give a shit" attitude i'v had goin on since I was like 12.
I don't know, I just think people are too busy and too concerned with having fun, that they are to blind to see that they need to grow up. These people seriously need to get a hold on their own lives, stop worring about other peoples, and get there selves together. Because, sooner or later, their going to realize it, and it is going to be too late. Noone is ever garunteed more time, extra life, that last minute to tell someone your sorry or that you love them.
Lately I find myself getting to caught up in having a good time. Making sure my grade 12 year is the best yet. Doing everything without a worry in the world, because in 8 months from now I am going to have the oportunity to start over. But honestly, it is just recently making sence to me that noone even garunteed me those 8 months. But i mean, I say this everytime, that im serious, that im going to get my life together & chill out. But its not as easy as it seems. My life is a little more complicated then that. I am a little more complicated then that. The difference between me and other people is, they do this for themselves and to have fun, I do this because its all i know, and im trying to ignore everything else, and hurt other people, but hurting myself. I don't do it on purpose, it's like i'v said before, Its alot easier for me to hurt other people then it is for me to care for other people, and even care for myself. I think everything is a big joke when it comes to death and stuff, because i don't realize it really can happen. And iv just been shown it can and does happen. Although, the strange thing is, I really don't know if it bothers me. Infact, I don't think it does. Hopefuly some day I will realize I need to stop before I get out of hand. And loose the "don't give a shit" attitude i'v had goin on since I was like 12.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
It is, what it is.
Its been a bad day, you've been looking back
And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back
All your mistakes, a world of regrets
All of those moments you would rather forget
You know you can't stay right where you fell
The hardest part is forgiving yourself
But let's take a walk into today
And don't let your past get in the way
Well that was the hardest thing I think I will ever have to do. I guess I finaly realized, that a part of growing up, is making sacrafices for yourself, to make other people happy. Im not usualy one to think about other people before myself to be honest. But i think this was a wakeup call. To remind me, I am almost an adult, and Im going to have to start acting like one, my child hood is coming to an end, now theres nowhere to go but up. A chance to start over, start new, a fresh beginning, with new people, city, school, and situations. But im telling you this, It wasn't sapose to hurt this bad. Trying to help someone else, was not sapose to make me feel like this. But i guess if its what you have to do to help other people, then it is what it is. Even if it just put me through the worst pain of my life. I honestly never new the salt from your tears could burn your flesh so bad on your skin if you already have a cut. Like, my tears actuly BURNT my face, like, its all red blotchy, and stings. But i guess its the price you pay when you screw up bad and find yourself at the end with no way to fix it this time. This is why I don't care. This is why I don't let people in. This is what always happenes to me. You put people in my life until I learn to care, and when i finaly do, you go and take them from me. This is why I hurt; You are the reason. You do this to me everytime. You think I would of learned by now. But i finaly thought things were different, they were starting to look up for me in highschool. But then you go, and remind me once again, that you give and take away. But this is why I gave up on you, this is why I hate you. This is what you do to me. So I hope your happy, because you've sucessfuly managed to ruin my life once again, so thanks. Thanks alot.
But now its time to move on, to let go, and to imbrace the new life coming to me in a couple of months. If i don't stop acting like a kid now, I never will.
I just really never knew it could hurt this bad. It really wasn't sapose to, i was sapose to be fine. I was sapose to not care. I guess things don't always work out the way I plan them eh? But it is what it is, and it is just history.
And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back
All your mistakes, a world of regrets
All of those moments you would rather forget
You know you can't stay right where you fell
The hardest part is forgiving yourself
But let's take a walk into today
And don't let your past get in the way
Well that was the hardest thing I think I will ever have to do. I guess I finaly realized, that a part of growing up, is making sacrafices for yourself, to make other people happy. Im not usualy one to think about other people before myself to be honest. But i think this was a wakeup call. To remind me, I am almost an adult, and Im going to have to start acting like one, my child hood is coming to an end, now theres nowhere to go but up. A chance to start over, start new, a fresh beginning, with new people, city, school, and situations. But im telling you this, It wasn't sapose to hurt this bad. Trying to help someone else, was not sapose to make me feel like this. But i guess if its what you have to do to help other people, then it is what it is. Even if it just put me through the worst pain of my life. I honestly never new the salt from your tears could burn your flesh so bad on your skin if you already have a cut. Like, my tears actuly BURNT my face, like, its all red blotchy, and stings. But i guess its the price you pay when you screw up bad and find yourself at the end with no way to fix it this time. This is why I don't care. This is why I don't let people in. This is what always happenes to me. You put people in my life until I learn to care, and when i finaly do, you go and take them from me. This is why I hurt; You are the reason. You do this to me everytime. You think I would of learned by now. But i finaly thought things were different, they were starting to look up for me in highschool. But then you go, and remind me once again, that you give and take away. But this is why I gave up on you, this is why I hate you. This is what you do to me. So I hope your happy, because you've sucessfuly managed to ruin my life once again, so thanks. Thanks alot.
But now its time to move on, to let go, and to imbrace the new life coming to me in a couple of months. If i don't stop acting like a kid now, I never will.
I just really never knew it could hurt this bad. It really wasn't sapose to, i was sapose to be fine. I was sapose to not care. I guess things don't always work out the way I plan them eh? But it is what it is, and it is just history.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
I think you need it; but maby im wrong.
"It's like she's trying to make me feel like right the bad person, and I know im not"
Aparently im not the only one whos used this phrase lately. Aparently im not the only one who thinks this. Aparently were more alike then I thought. I have had one of the most carefree, rushful & hilarious weeks of my life. I forgot what it was like to not care, to not have a worry in the world. The thrill of a risk, the risk of getting introuble, the life im good at. You can't change a person.. you can try, and think that you'v been sucessful, but really within time, you'll realize you failed. Trust me, iv tried.. it just doesn't work out the way you want it to. Anyways, like you once said, "forgive & forget", without the forget. Well, im gonna do better then that, I am going to forgive myself for all the stupid things iv said and done, & forget you ever existed. So feel free to do the same. Im done making your life "miserable" (so you say), im done making you cry. Im not gonna be the one responsible if you fail, or if you do something stupid (and you know exactly what im talking about). So im sorry for all the "misery" iv caused you.
Theres just one thing I don't understand though.
What I don't understand is, if you didn't let it go by now, does that mean you exspect things will somehow and at some point get better? Do you think that this will all dissapear like last time? Because im here to tell you, I honestly dont think, no i honestly know, that there is no possible way for this to get better. It's possible for this to be forgotten about, all you have to do is stop talking about it. Trust me, it does get easier, but not until you stop careing and start letting it go. You claim you let go of things, but really I know you don't. You hold onto them until they make you break. You set yourself up for "misery" and distruction, and then you point your fingers to blame. If only you just realized what I realized and noticed what I noticed then it would be alot eaiser on yourself. Im doing this to you as a favor, because I know you don't have anyone to talk to. I know your bottleing up everything inside of you instead of writing it down. I know your sitting at home, and all you can think about is how much you hate your life, and that your parents are never home and keep naging you about being okay. I know how much you hate that, or atleast claim to hate it. I know the people you gling onto, don't always have time for you, they don't always realize there alot older then you and you just haven't realized it yet. I know they don't mean to hurt you, but they do. So kid, all I have to say is, I hope you've realized by now, you cannot depend on others for your happiness, you cannot depend on others for your sanity, you cannot depend on others not to hurt you, and you cannot depend on others for your survival. But you also cannot blame others for your hurt, for your brokenness, for your unhappiness. Because you are the only one incontrol of your life. Not your best friends who cause you more pain then you can bear, but somehow you still act like you don't care. Not your family who doesn't realize theie never there, when you need them the most. Not the older kids you look up to, when there's really nothing to look at. You are the only one who can make this easier, and make this get better. So this is my last post to you, only because I have a feeling you might need it.
It's not up to me anymore, If you want me in your life, you'll find a way to put me there.
Aparently im not the only one whos used this phrase lately. Aparently im not the only one who thinks this. Aparently were more alike then I thought. I have had one of the most carefree, rushful & hilarious weeks of my life. I forgot what it was like to not care, to not have a worry in the world. The thrill of a risk, the risk of getting introuble, the life im good at. You can't change a person.. you can try, and think that you'v been sucessful, but really within time, you'll realize you failed. Trust me, iv tried.. it just doesn't work out the way you want it to. Anyways, like you once said, "forgive & forget", without the forget. Well, im gonna do better then that, I am going to forgive myself for all the stupid things iv said and done, & forget you ever existed. So feel free to do the same. Im done making your life "miserable" (so you say), im done making you cry. Im not gonna be the one responsible if you fail, or if you do something stupid (and you know exactly what im talking about). So im sorry for all the "misery" iv caused you.
Theres just one thing I don't understand though.
What I don't understand is, if you didn't let it go by now, does that mean you exspect things will somehow and at some point get better? Do you think that this will all dissapear like last time? Because im here to tell you, I honestly dont think, no i honestly know, that there is no possible way for this to get better. It's possible for this to be forgotten about, all you have to do is stop talking about it. Trust me, it does get easier, but not until you stop careing and start letting it go. You claim you let go of things, but really I know you don't. You hold onto them until they make you break. You set yourself up for "misery" and distruction, and then you point your fingers to blame. If only you just realized what I realized and noticed what I noticed then it would be alot eaiser on yourself. Im doing this to you as a favor, because I know you don't have anyone to talk to. I know your bottleing up everything inside of you instead of writing it down. I know your sitting at home, and all you can think about is how much you hate your life, and that your parents are never home and keep naging you about being okay. I know how much you hate that, or atleast claim to hate it. I know the people you gling onto, don't always have time for you, they don't always realize there alot older then you and you just haven't realized it yet. I know they don't mean to hurt you, but they do. So kid, all I have to say is, I hope you've realized by now, you cannot depend on others for your happiness, you cannot depend on others for your sanity, you cannot depend on others not to hurt you, and you cannot depend on others for your survival. But you also cannot blame others for your hurt, for your brokenness, for your unhappiness. Because you are the only one incontrol of your life. Not your best friends who cause you more pain then you can bear, but somehow you still act like you don't care. Not your family who doesn't realize theie never there, when you need them the most. Not the older kids you look up to, when there's really nothing to look at. You are the only one who can make this easier, and make this get better. So this is my last post to you, only because I have a feeling you might need it.
It's not up to me anymore, If you want me in your life, you'll find a way to put me there.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Just Me.
Everybody wants what they dont have
just a little bit more wouldn't be so bad
It's a funny little thing/ It's kind of sad
I've squandered everything i have
Are you anything like me?
Is it possible all anybody needs
Is a little more love?
Be the hands the feet
Would it make the world believe?
I dont know
Maybe it's just me
I've got plenty things wrong
it's kind of strange i know what's right
but it's hard to change
I'm in the middle of a phrase
I'm afraid to say
How long can I look the other way?
I've wandered for so long
Seems like I've been down this road before
so alone and fading from the light
I feel your existence
Even now I have to close my eyes
Echoes in my head are feeding me lies
I'm lost in emotion
Overtaken by my every breath
Finding strength I never knew I had
A promise
A let down
Back to where I did not know myself
I heard you say that life has worn you down
And thrown you to your knees.
But this is not your crown
It's just something that brings you down
I keep on telling myself
That I am going to make a change in life
Do you think that I can make it?
Pressing on with life
I walk beside things that tear me apart
This is not my crown
It's just something that brings me down
just a little bit more wouldn't be so bad
It's a funny little thing/ It's kind of sad
I've squandered everything i have
Are you anything like me?
Is it possible all anybody needs
Is a little more love?
Be the hands the feet
Would it make the world believe?
I dont know
Maybe it's just me
I've got plenty things wrong
it's kind of strange i know what's right
but it's hard to change
I'm in the middle of a phrase
I'm afraid to say
How long can I look the other way?
I've wandered for so long
Seems like I've been down this road before
so alone and fading from the light
I feel your existence
Even now I have to close my eyes
Echoes in my head are feeding me lies
I'm lost in emotion
Overtaken by my every breath
Finding strength I never knew I had
A promise
A let down
Back to where I did not know myself
I heard you say that life has worn you down
And thrown you to your knees.
But this is not your crown
It's just something that brings you down
I keep on telling myself
That I am going to make a change in life
Do you think that I can make it?
Pressing on with life
I walk beside things that tear me apart
This is not my crown
It's just something that brings me down
oh life. :)
So, aparently this blog is getting alot of attention lately? But not because I want the attention, its because someone else does. Which we all already knew anyways, so really its no surprize. But I wouldn't want no police at my door, I can't afford anymore of that shit so your famous attention seakin post will sadly be deleted. Sorry. And im not "making" anyone hate you. A person can't force someone to dislike someone, thats impossible. In the end, the person makes the final discision. But anywho, enough about you.
So... school, reportcards..hmm. I got a 92 in bio which wasn't too bad i sapose, 92 in coop which also aint to bad, 86 in art.. and we will not speak of my math mark lol. But i still have an 80.25 average anyways so what ev. Except my parents claim to be taking my computer away from me. Magine the day that ever happens? lol its actuly sapose to already be gone.. haha yeah right. My parents are funny people im tellin ya. In other news mr.maxwell shit his pants at me and threw my books on the floor , lol it was quite the scene, thought he was gonna hit me. But other then that, Life is just great. Havent figured out the whole school situation yet, or my attitude problem..lol but other then that.. life is just lovely.
So... school, reportcards..hmm. I got a 92 in bio which wasn't too bad i sapose, 92 in coop which also aint to bad, 86 in art.. and we will not speak of my math mark lol. But i still have an 80.25 average anyways so what ev. Except my parents claim to be taking my computer away from me. Magine the day that ever happens? lol its actuly sapose to already be gone.. haha yeah right. My parents are funny people im tellin ya. In other news mr.maxwell shit his pants at me and threw my books on the floor , lol it was quite the scene, thought he was gonna hit me. But other then that, Life is just great. Havent figured out the whole school situation yet, or my attitude problem..lol but other then that.. life is just lovely.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Yup.
It brings pleasure to my eyes; to see you hide behind that discise. Why do you hold onto, the things that fade away? Why do people i'v never met; seem to always know my name? Do you think its breaking my heart to see you in so much pain? Caz it's not. It's not like your going a stray, im just trying to say goodbye to yesterday. I see the pain in your eyes, of all the things your holding tight, so afraid to fall you dont even try. Your giving all you'v got just to survive. But thats the price you pay when you play around with fire. It's like your soaked with gasoline, light a match, and exspect not to bleed. If you thought this would be easy, think again. This is the way it's gonna be, up until I leave.
You cry, I laugh.
You frown, I smile.
You run, I hide.
You fall, I stand.
You break, Im not picking up the peices anymore.
Im awaiting results not every 17 year old wishes to hear. Its the kind of shit you don't mess around with. But when you'v heard it all before, and this is like the millionth time, you tend to laugh it off, because it's no surprize, and really.. laughing is all you have left to do. At first I was excited it was finaly gonna happen, and i could finaly get it over with, now im not so sure. Now it's become reality, i can't ignore it anymore. Im going to know for sure soon and im praying to god that everythings going to be okay. I can't take anymore stress on my life right now. But, you'll never know.
Why Do You Hold Onto, The Things That Fade Away?
You cry, I laugh.
You frown, I smile.
You run, I hide.
You fall, I stand.
You break, Im not picking up the peices anymore.
Im awaiting results not every 17 year old wishes to hear. Its the kind of shit you don't mess around with. But when you'v heard it all before, and this is like the millionth time, you tend to laugh it off, because it's no surprize, and really.. laughing is all you have left to do. At first I was excited it was finaly gonna happen, and i could finaly get it over with, now im not so sure. Now it's become reality, i can't ignore it anymore. Im going to know for sure soon and im praying to god that everythings going to be okay. I can't take anymore stress on my life right now. But, you'll never know.
Why Do You Hold Onto, The Things That Fade Away?
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Stop pretending you DON'T CARE; & start pretending like you don't know how to HATE.
Well, things are looking up recently. I spent the entire day today uptown at the jewish museum (which i never knew exsited). Turns out its a pretty cool place. I was one of three people chosen from my school to go represent it at a "Holocost Study Group" so they call it. Its where a large group of teenagers from highschools in district 8 & 6 get together and learn about the holocost, what happened, what people went through, and to make sure it never happens again. The holocost is something that should never be forgotten, over 6 million people were tortured and killed, just because of their beliefes, because they were different. And about another 5 million killed because of their race, and other reasons. It is the worst example in history of stereotypic preadjust that cost millions of people their lives.
This day filled of many videos, books, pictures, artifacts, and survivor stories, really made me think. It made me think about how lucky I am to live in such a free country. How lucky I am to have my family, to have someone to love me. It made me realize how fast people you love and care about can be taken away, with no explination, no reason. So from today on im going to cherrish everyone I care about, and instead of pretending I don't know how to care, I'll pretend like I don't know how to hate.
In other news, my MRI's tomorrow.. that should be interesting. I don't know wether im excited to finally have it and get it over with, or scared shitless of the possibilities to the results. But im sure they'll be fine, just like always, im always fine..everything is always fine. Because i am always okay. Except, this time, as long as the results are fine.. then i really am gonna be okay, and i really am gonna be fine, because my life is in a good place now. Well, besides my family, and school, and my friends, and everything about me. So I guess I lied, but what else is new, i always do.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Removeable shadow; Of a concrete girl.
"deactivate" Click..
and then your left without a trace; and nothing more then memories based.
If your trying to run, then run faster.
If your trying to hide, then hide better.
If your trying not to break, stop trying.
If your trying to fool yourself, start laughing.
If you think you can do this, think again.
If you think your better then them, prove it.
If your fighting to survive, give up.
And if you think you can win, you've already lost.
and then your left without a trace; and nothing more then memories based.
If your trying to run, then run faster.
If your trying to hide, then hide better.
If your trying not to break, stop trying.
If your trying to fool yourself, start laughing.
If you think you can do this, think again.
If you think your better then them, prove it.
If your fighting to survive, give up.
And if you think you can win, you've already lost.
Making everything, from nothing.
Does it make sence, to care about someone so much..that in order to help them and yourself you may need to just let them go. If you think that they would be better off without you, isn't it just better off you say goodbye now while you don't have to , rather then later when you have no choice? Atleast, thats how i see it. I would rather hurt someone on purpose, then hurt someone and not have any choice. I dunno why, thats werid im aware. But i guess I like to be incontrole of my life, i dont like feeling like I don't have a say in things, even if it is hurting someone so much, that it ends up hurting me twice as much to see it happen.
I don't really know what im doing, i don't know how to deal with people who care i guess. Its stupid I know but, I dunno. I guess this summer really changed me. It forced me to grow up, and think outside of the box. It forced me to help other people, instead of getting helped. It opened my eyes to a way and feeling that people have and had towards me, when all i did was ignore them and hurt them even more. It taught me how to care for people, and to realize I could make a difference in other peoples lives. But, thats where I may have gotten a little too much over my head. The part where people look up to me, when theres nothing to look at. The part where people exspect answers, when i don't even know the qestion. The part where people exspect me to show them that I care, when im to afraid to..infear I might hurt them.
By the way, i just watched a movie..that may have been the most meaningful movie iv ever seen. I recomend seeing it at somepoint in your life. Maby when your at that point of giving up, or the point where all you have to look forward to in life is "fun". When your at the point where nothing has true meaning towards you. This movie will teach you that you truely don't have anything, until you have nothing. The movie is called "The Ultimate Gift". Rent it, it's good.
I don't really know what im doing, i don't know how to deal with people who care i guess. Its stupid I know but, I dunno. I guess this summer really changed me. It forced me to grow up, and think outside of the box. It forced me to help other people, instead of getting helped. It opened my eyes to a way and feeling that people have and had towards me, when all i did was ignore them and hurt them even more. It taught me how to care for people, and to realize I could make a difference in other peoples lives. But, thats where I may have gotten a little too much over my head. The part where people look up to me, when theres nothing to look at. The part where people exspect answers, when i don't even know the qestion. The part where people exspect me to show them that I care, when im to afraid to..infear I might hurt them.
By the way, i just watched a movie..that may have been the most meaningful movie iv ever seen. I recomend seeing it at somepoint in your life. Maby when your at that point of giving up, or the point where all you have to look forward to in life is "fun". When your at the point where nothing has true meaning towards you. This movie will teach you that you truely don't have anything, until you have nothing. The movie is called "The Ultimate Gift". Rent it, it's good.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Have what you want; But like what you have.
Continueing from my previous post, I have had some time to think..about life and such. Iv had a little bit of time to try and figure things out. Now, things are not totaly figured out and put back together, although id like to think they are, but they are slowly mending back together. Things are slowly starting to look up for me these days. I know what I want, and what I don't want. I know what I have to do, and what I can't do, in order to achieve it.
I have finaly realized that, life isn't going to be perfect, life isn't going to be fair. There are always going to be complications, dislikes, & dissapointments. There is always going to be someone, pushing you, putting pressure on you, someone who exspects more then your very best. Someone who cares so much about you, that they want you to have even more then your capeable of having, more then they have, they want you to be more then perfect. And there are always going to be times when you let these people down, because..noone's perfect, noone can do better then their very best, noone can stand strong and not fall into the pressures of life. And then theres sometimes in life, where you have to learn to give up what you love, so you don't dissapoint someone who loves you. Somethings in life you think you can't live without, but really.. there just getting in the way of what you need so you can live.
It gets better, trust me.
It gets easier, trust me.
You'll always please everyone; I lied.
I have finaly decided to take my own advice. I have finaly realized that I can not do this by myself. I can no longer hide behind a smile. I can no longer pretend that everything is fine, and that i have it all together; when I dont. I need more. There has to be more. I am finaly willing to try. I have gotten back into the swing of things. Iv been slowly thinking about god, and christian values. And remembering how happy I use to be, how much less stress was on my plate, because I knew god would handle it. Recently iv just been trying to handle and deal with everything on my own, and you know what... It Just DOESN'T Work.
I have finaly realized that, life isn't going to be perfect, life isn't going to be fair. There are always going to be complications, dislikes, & dissapointments. There is always going to be someone, pushing you, putting pressure on you, someone who exspects more then your very best. Someone who cares so much about you, that they want you to have even more then your capeable of having, more then they have, they want you to be more then perfect. And there are always going to be times when you let these people down, because..noone's perfect, noone can do better then their very best, noone can stand strong and not fall into the pressures of life. And then theres sometimes in life, where you have to learn to give up what you love, so you don't dissapoint someone who loves you. Somethings in life you think you can't live without, but really.. there just getting in the way of what you need so you can live.
It gets better, trust me.
It gets easier, trust me.
You'll always please everyone; I lied.
I have finaly decided to take my own advice. I have finaly realized that I can not do this by myself. I can no longer hide behind a smile. I can no longer pretend that everything is fine, and that i have it all together; when I dont. I need more. There has to be more. I am finaly willing to try. I have gotten back into the swing of things. Iv been slowly thinking about god, and christian values. And remembering how happy I use to be, how much less stress was on my plate, because I knew god would handle it. Recently iv just been trying to handle and deal with everything on my own, and you know what... It Just DOESN'T Work.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Encouragement
Okay, so my life is getting a little bit better then my previous posts. I had an encouraging talk with someone last night and it made me realize my stupidity. School is kinda of looking up for me, i got around a 90% on my biology midterm. We wont talk about my math..lol i dont know my mark yet but im assuming it isnt good. The rest of my other marks are high 80's-90's so im not complaining. My household parent situation seems to be dying down, although the akwardness is still there. I am finaly starting to get my life back together I think. This will be a good turn around point to me, my life crisis is slowly coming to an end.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Just when I thought it couldnt get any worse.
Okay, now im really starting to get pissed off. I don't think things could possibly get any worse. I am actuly quite confident that they couldn't. What do you do, when you've hid something, no actuly, your entire life, from someone..someone who trusted you, someone who thought you were "perfect", someone who was proud of you.. and they finaly find out the truth. And im talking about the ENTIRE truth. Not just half, or a little bit...the whole damn heart broken truth. A parents worse night mare- the day they find out their child couldn't of possibly screwed up anymore then they already have. The day they find out their child is nothing but a liar, and a dissapointed, and theres nothing they can do about it. I am just pissed beyond beliefe. Like, my life could quite possibly not get any worse. I am really getting sick of all this. It just keeps coming, one thing finaly ends and another starts. I seriously hate everything about this year. I am getting as far away as possible for university its not even funny. And I could care less if I ever saw anyone again. I need a new start, new life... a new family would be nice too. Please, I can't take this anymore, get me out of here. I am quickly breaking into a million peices and knowbody knows, & i'd like to keep it that way. Uggghhh
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