In my last post life was a little bit stressful. Okay, life was alot stressful. Infact, it was so stressful I just couldn't take it anymore, to the point where I was literaly going insain. My whole personality changed completly. Since then, things are starting to look up for me once again. I think the root to all of my problems is that I try way to hard sometimes to be someone im not, just to make other people happy. One person inperticular, and im not even sure why. But I lie, and pretend, just to try and hide the true facts of life, just to shut them up, just to make everyone happy. It's really stressful you know, to be me. To be someone who is so afraid of letting people down, of hurting people, of dissapointing people, to be someone who is more afraid of these things, then the results of what will happen when the truth comes out.
I just really don't know what to do anymore, everytime I think I found myself, who I really am.. there I go making myself feel bad again, there I go putting other peoples thoughts ahead of my own, there I go digging myself a little more into the ground eachday, there I go watching my sanity pass me by. People always tell me "if people don't like you for who you really are, then there not worth anything". Well, I hear that, and I want to believe that.. but the person who I am doesn't want to act upon that.
I dunno, grade 12 is stressful, life is stressful, everything is just to stressful.
but im happy; just stressed, but happy.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Friday, December 07, 2007
Yes..
Well I haven't had much to write about lately. My life has been pretty complex the past couple weeks. Just filled with lots of frustration, confusion and stress. Once again my parents play a huge factor in all 3 of these complex addtions to my amature teenage life. And to add to all of it, Christmas is in like eightteen days. So not ready, so not really excited, so don't really care.
Ontop of all this crap, yesterday was the worst day of my life. I received the phone call i was dreading for the past month. So that just didn't make life any easier. I don't really wanna talk about it, although someone did tell me I can't sit around bottleing up all my feelings and everything about the situation, and that I should talk about it. But right now, I really do not want to. I don't think it is that important, I'd rather just ferget about it. Because as we all know, that's what I do best, forget. And lately, my only escape from this world, (music) has been a complete block, and I haven't been able to write anything in quite awhile. A little six year old boy today said the most meaningful thing iv ever heard a six year old, or any age'd kid say..
"What my mind says with words, my soul says with music."
Anyways, what ever.
Ontop of all this crap, yesterday was the worst day of my life. I received the phone call i was dreading for the past month. So that just didn't make life any easier. I don't really wanna talk about it, although someone did tell me I can't sit around bottleing up all my feelings and everything about the situation, and that I should talk about it. But right now, I really do not want to. I don't think it is that important, I'd rather just ferget about it. Because as we all know, that's what I do best, forget. And lately, my only escape from this world, (music) has been a complete block, and I haven't been able to write anything in quite awhile. A little six year old boy today said the most meaningful thing iv ever heard a six year old, or any age'd kid say..
"What my mind says with words, my soul says with music."
Anyways, what ever.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Paper has more patience than people.
Do you ever wonder why people just don't listen? When do people actuly know that enough is enough. You can warn a person with flashing lights and a fog horn not to further continue something, yet still, the proceed with caution. But maby this time caution isn't enough. Maby this time you should just stop completly and turn away. Just to be safe. Better safe then sorry they always say. Well, im beginning to think that is true. Because iv been stayin on the safe side of things, and the minute you try and cross that side, you end up sorry with no going back.
Someday soon I am going to turn around and walk away.. and im not going to look back once. I am going to walk away right out of your life, out of everyones life. I am not going to have the chance to think twice about it either. I will get my plane ticket and my bags and I will never see you again. If this is going nowhere fast, and im going somewhere soon.. then we minse well just quit now while were ahead. This was the peice taken out of the bottom to make the rest fall.
Someday sorry isn't going to matter. Someday friendship isn't going to matter. Someday all of this isn't going to matter. Someday , real soon.
This came to me last night while I was lying in bed trying to sleep but I just couldn't.
why do you pretend that your okay
when your not
why do you laugh and fake a smile
just to please the crowd
why do you try to stand up tall
when your falling apart
why do you run and try to hide
when your not that hard to find
This time im not gonna let it hurt this bad. This time it's all going to be okay.
Someday soon I am going to turn around and walk away.. and im not going to look back once. I am going to walk away right out of your life, out of everyones life. I am not going to have the chance to think twice about it either. I will get my plane ticket and my bags and I will never see you again. If this is going nowhere fast, and im going somewhere soon.. then we minse well just quit now while were ahead. This was the peice taken out of the bottom to make the rest fall.
Someday sorry isn't going to matter. Someday friendship isn't going to matter. Someday all of this isn't going to matter. Someday , real soon.
This came to me last night while I was lying in bed trying to sleep but I just couldn't.
why do you pretend that your okay
when your not
why do you laugh and fake a smile
just to please the crowd
why do you try to stand up tall
when your falling apart
why do you run and try to hide
when your not that hard to find
This time im not gonna let it hurt this bad. This time it's all going to be okay.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
The value of life; taken for granted.
Hm.. the concept of life? What is it? Do we really know? Do we really understand the value of life? Or do we take it for granted. Some people believe that you should live each moment as if it were your last, so make sure youre having a good time. But, could that be what is causeing the end of some of our lives? People who are living just to have a "goodtime". The people living their lives as if each moment were their last, could possibly just be setting themselves up for it being their last moment. Sometimes those peoples "fun" gets out of hand, and leads to serious consequences that could lead to death. Is that little bit of fun really worth your entire life? Is it really worth your chances of graduating, going to university, falling inlove and getting married, haveing a family, living on your own. Is it really worth never having the chance to prove all of those people wrong who told you that you were going to go nowhere in life, who didn't believe in you, who told you that you weren't good enough? I think people are too busy living their lives to the "fullest", to realize there is no such thing. You never know when your time is going to run up, you never know when your life is just going to shit the bed, and you especaily never know when other peoples lives may end.
I don't know, I just think people are too busy and too concerned with having fun, that they are to blind to see that they need to grow up. These people seriously need to get a hold on their own lives, stop worring about other peoples, and get there selves together. Because, sooner or later, their going to realize it, and it is going to be too late. Noone is ever garunteed more time, extra life, that last minute to tell someone your sorry or that you love them.
Lately I find myself getting to caught up in having a good time. Making sure my grade 12 year is the best yet. Doing everything without a worry in the world, because in 8 months from now I am going to have the oportunity to start over. But honestly, it is just recently making sence to me that noone even garunteed me those 8 months. But i mean, I say this everytime, that im serious, that im going to get my life together & chill out. But its not as easy as it seems. My life is a little more complicated then that. I am a little more complicated then that. The difference between me and other people is, they do this for themselves and to have fun, I do this because its all i know, and im trying to ignore everything else, and hurt other people, but hurting myself. I don't do it on purpose, it's like i'v said before, Its alot easier for me to hurt other people then it is for me to care for other people, and even care for myself. I think everything is a big joke when it comes to death and stuff, because i don't realize it really can happen. And iv just been shown it can and does happen. Although, the strange thing is, I really don't know if it bothers me. Infact, I don't think it does. Hopefuly some day I will realize I need to stop before I get out of hand. And loose the "don't give a shit" attitude i'v had goin on since I was like 12.
I don't know, I just think people are too busy and too concerned with having fun, that they are to blind to see that they need to grow up. These people seriously need to get a hold on their own lives, stop worring about other peoples, and get there selves together. Because, sooner or later, their going to realize it, and it is going to be too late. Noone is ever garunteed more time, extra life, that last minute to tell someone your sorry or that you love them.
Lately I find myself getting to caught up in having a good time. Making sure my grade 12 year is the best yet. Doing everything without a worry in the world, because in 8 months from now I am going to have the oportunity to start over. But honestly, it is just recently making sence to me that noone even garunteed me those 8 months. But i mean, I say this everytime, that im serious, that im going to get my life together & chill out. But its not as easy as it seems. My life is a little more complicated then that. I am a little more complicated then that. The difference between me and other people is, they do this for themselves and to have fun, I do this because its all i know, and im trying to ignore everything else, and hurt other people, but hurting myself. I don't do it on purpose, it's like i'v said before, Its alot easier for me to hurt other people then it is for me to care for other people, and even care for myself. I think everything is a big joke when it comes to death and stuff, because i don't realize it really can happen. And iv just been shown it can and does happen. Although, the strange thing is, I really don't know if it bothers me. Infact, I don't think it does. Hopefuly some day I will realize I need to stop before I get out of hand. And loose the "don't give a shit" attitude i'v had goin on since I was like 12.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
It is, what it is.
Its been a bad day, you've been looking back
And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back
All your mistakes, a world of regrets
All of those moments you would rather forget
You know you can't stay right where you fell
The hardest part is forgiving yourself
But let's take a walk into today
And don't let your past get in the way
Well that was the hardest thing I think I will ever have to do. I guess I finaly realized, that a part of growing up, is making sacrafices for yourself, to make other people happy. Im not usualy one to think about other people before myself to be honest. But i think this was a wakeup call. To remind me, I am almost an adult, and Im going to have to start acting like one, my child hood is coming to an end, now theres nowhere to go but up. A chance to start over, start new, a fresh beginning, with new people, city, school, and situations. But im telling you this, It wasn't sapose to hurt this bad. Trying to help someone else, was not sapose to make me feel like this. But i guess if its what you have to do to help other people, then it is what it is. Even if it just put me through the worst pain of my life. I honestly never new the salt from your tears could burn your flesh so bad on your skin if you already have a cut. Like, my tears actuly BURNT my face, like, its all red blotchy, and stings. But i guess its the price you pay when you screw up bad and find yourself at the end with no way to fix it this time. This is why I don't care. This is why I don't let people in. This is what always happenes to me. You put people in my life until I learn to care, and when i finaly do, you go and take them from me. This is why I hurt; You are the reason. You do this to me everytime. You think I would of learned by now. But i finaly thought things were different, they were starting to look up for me in highschool. But then you go, and remind me once again, that you give and take away. But this is why I gave up on you, this is why I hate you. This is what you do to me. So I hope your happy, because you've sucessfuly managed to ruin my life once again, so thanks. Thanks alot.
But now its time to move on, to let go, and to imbrace the new life coming to me in a couple of months. If i don't stop acting like a kid now, I never will.
I just really never knew it could hurt this bad. It really wasn't sapose to, i was sapose to be fine. I was sapose to not care. I guess things don't always work out the way I plan them eh? But it is what it is, and it is just history.
And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back
All your mistakes, a world of regrets
All of those moments you would rather forget
You know you can't stay right where you fell
The hardest part is forgiving yourself
But let's take a walk into today
And don't let your past get in the way
Well that was the hardest thing I think I will ever have to do. I guess I finaly realized, that a part of growing up, is making sacrafices for yourself, to make other people happy. Im not usualy one to think about other people before myself to be honest. But i think this was a wakeup call. To remind me, I am almost an adult, and Im going to have to start acting like one, my child hood is coming to an end, now theres nowhere to go but up. A chance to start over, start new, a fresh beginning, with new people, city, school, and situations. But im telling you this, It wasn't sapose to hurt this bad. Trying to help someone else, was not sapose to make me feel like this. But i guess if its what you have to do to help other people, then it is what it is. Even if it just put me through the worst pain of my life. I honestly never new the salt from your tears could burn your flesh so bad on your skin if you already have a cut. Like, my tears actuly BURNT my face, like, its all red blotchy, and stings. But i guess its the price you pay when you screw up bad and find yourself at the end with no way to fix it this time. This is why I don't care. This is why I don't let people in. This is what always happenes to me. You put people in my life until I learn to care, and when i finaly do, you go and take them from me. This is why I hurt; You are the reason. You do this to me everytime. You think I would of learned by now. But i finaly thought things were different, they were starting to look up for me in highschool. But then you go, and remind me once again, that you give and take away. But this is why I gave up on you, this is why I hate you. This is what you do to me. So I hope your happy, because you've sucessfuly managed to ruin my life once again, so thanks. Thanks alot.
But now its time to move on, to let go, and to imbrace the new life coming to me in a couple of months. If i don't stop acting like a kid now, I never will.
I just really never knew it could hurt this bad. It really wasn't sapose to, i was sapose to be fine. I was sapose to not care. I guess things don't always work out the way I plan them eh? But it is what it is, and it is just history.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
I think you need it; but maby im wrong.
"It's like she's trying to make me feel like right the bad person, and I know im not"
Aparently im not the only one whos used this phrase lately. Aparently im not the only one who thinks this. Aparently were more alike then I thought. I have had one of the most carefree, rushful & hilarious weeks of my life. I forgot what it was like to not care, to not have a worry in the world. The thrill of a risk, the risk of getting introuble, the life im good at. You can't change a person.. you can try, and think that you'v been sucessful, but really within time, you'll realize you failed. Trust me, iv tried.. it just doesn't work out the way you want it to. Anyways, like you once said, "forgive & forget", without the forget. Well, im gonna do better then that, I am going to forgive myself for all the stupid things iv said and done, & forget you ever existed. So feel free to do the same. Im done making your life "miserable" (so you say), im done making you cry. Im not gonna be the one responsible if you fail, or if you do something stupid (and you know exactly what im talking about). So im sorry for all the "misery" iv caused you.
Theres just one thing I don't understand though.
What I don't understand is, if you didn't let it go by now, does that mean you exspect things will somehow and at some point get better? Do you think that this will all dissapear like last time? Because im here to tell you, I honestly dont think, no i honestly know, that there is no possible way for this to get better. It's possible for this to be forgotten about, all you have to do is stop talking about it. Trust me, it does get easier, but not until you stop careing and start letting it go. You claim you let go of things, but really I know you don't. You hold onto them until they make you break. You set yourself up for "misery" and distruction, and then you point your fingers to blame. If only you just realized what I realized and noticed what I noticed then it would be alot eaiser on yourself. Im doing this to you as a favor, because I know you don't have anyone to talk to. I know your bottleing up everything inside of you instead of writing it down. I know your sitting at home, and all you can think about is how much you hate your life, and that your parents are never home and keep naging you about being okay. I know how much you hate that, or atleast claim to hate it. I know the people you gling onto, don't always have time for you, they don't always realize there alot older then you and you just haven't realized it yet. I know they don't mean to hurt you, but they do. So kid, all I have to say is, I hope you've realized by now, you cannot depend on others for your happiness, you cannot depend on others for your sanity, you cannot depend on others not to hurt you, and you cannot depend on others for your survival. But you also cannot blame others for your hurt, for your brokenness, for your unhappiness. Because you are the only one incontrol of your life. Not your best friends who cause you more pain then you can bear, but somehow you still act like you don't care. Not your family who doesn't realize theie never there, when you need them the most. Not the older kids you look up to, when there's really nothing to look at. You are the only one who can make this easier, and make this get better. So this is my last post to you, only because I have a feeling you might need it.
It's not up to me anymore, If you want me in your life, you'll find a way to put me there.
Aparently im not the only one whos used this phrase lately. Aparently im not the only one who thinks this. Aparently were more alike then I thought. I have had one of the most carefree, rushful & hilarious weeks of my life. I forgot what it was like to not care, to not have a worry in the world. The thrill of a risk, the risk of getting introuble, the life im good at. You can't change a person.. you can try, and think that you'v been sucessful, but really within time, you'll realize you failed. Trust me, iv tried.. it just doesn't work out the way you want it to. Anyways, like you once said, "forgive & forget", without the forget. Well, im gonna do better then that, I am going to forgive myself for all the stupid things iv said and done, & forget you ever existed. So feel free to do the same. Im done making your life "miserable" (so you say), im done making you cry. Im not gonna be the one responsible if you fail, or if you do something stupid (and you know exactly what im talking about). So im sorry for all the "misery" iv caused you.
Theres just one thing I don't understand though.
What I don't understand is, if you didn't let it go by now, does that mean you exspect things will somehow and at some point get better? Do you think that this will all dissapear like last time? Because im here to tell you, I honestly dont think, no i honestly know, that there is no possible way for this to get better. It's possible for this to be forgotten about, all you have to do is stop talking about it. Trust me, it does get easier, but not until you stop careing and start letting it go. You claim you let go of things, but really I know you don't. You hold onto them until they make you break. You set yourself up for "misery" and distruction, and then you point your fingers to blame. If only you just realized what I realized and noticed what I noticed then it would be alot eaiser on yourself. Im doing this to you as a favor, because I know you don't have anyone to talk to. I know your bottleing up everything inside of you instead of writing it down. I know your sitting at home, and all you can think about is how much you hate your life, and that your parents are never home and keep naging you about being okay. I know how much you hate that, or atleast claim to hate it. I know the people you gling onto, don't always have time for you, they don't always realize there alot older then you and you just haven't realized it yet. I know they don't mean to hurt you, but they do. So kid, all I have to say is, I hope you've realized by now, you cannot depend on others for your happiness, you cannot depend on others for your sanity, you cannot depend on others not to hurt you, and you cannot depend on others for your survival. But you also cannot blame others for your hurt, for your brokenness, for your unhappiness. Because you are the only one incontrol of your life. Not your best friends who cause you more pain then you can bear, but somehow you still act like you don't care. Not your family who doesn't realize theie never there, when you need them the most. Not the older kids you look up to, when there's really nothing to look at. You are the only one who can make this easier, and make this get better. So this is my last post to you, only because I have a feeling you might need it.
It's not up to me anymore, If you want me in your life, you'll find a way to put me there.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Just Me.
Everybody wants what they dont have
just a little bit more wouldn't be so bad
It's a funny little thing/ It's kind of sad
I've squandered everything i have
Are you anything like me?
Is it possible all anybody needs
Is a little more love?
Be the hands the feet
Would it make the world believe?
I dont know
Maybe it's just me
I've got plenty things wrong
it's kind of strange i know what's right
but it's hard to change
I'm in the middle of a phrase
I'm afraid to say
How long can I look the other way?
I've wandered for so long
Seems like I've been down this road before
so alone and fading from the light
I feel your existence
Even now I have to close my eyes
Echoes in my head are feeding me lies
I'm lost in emotion
Overtaken by my every breath
Finding strength I never knew I had
A promise
A let down
Back to where I did not know myself
I heard you say that life has worn you down
And thrown you to your knees.
But this is not your crown
It's just something that brings you down
I keep on telling myself
That I am going to make a change in life
Do you think that I can make it?
Pressing on with life
I walk beside things that tear me apart
This is not my crown
It's just something that brings me down
just a little bit more wouldn't be so bad
It's a funny little thing/ It's kind of sad
I've squandered everything i have
Are you anything like me?
Is it possible all anybody needs
Is a little more love?
Be the hands the feet
Would it make the world believe?
I dont know
Maybe it's just me
I've got plenty things wrong
it's kind of strange i know what's right
but it's hard to change
I'm in the middle of a phrase
I'm afraid to say
How long can I look the other way?
I've wandered for so long
Seems like I've been down this road before
so alone and fading from the light
I feel your existence
Even now I have to close my eyes
Echoes in my head are feeding me lies
I'm lost in emotion
Overtaken by my every breath
Finding strength I never knew I had
A promise
A let down
Back to where I did not know myself
I heard you say that life has worn you down
And thrown you to your knees.
But this is not your crown
It's just something that brings you down
I keep on telling myself
That I am going to make a change in life
Do you think that I can make it?
Pressing on with life
I walk beside things that tear me apart
This is not my crown
It's just something that brings me down
oh life. :)
So, aparently this blog is getting alot of attention lately? But not because I want the attention, its because someone else does. Which we all already knew anyways, so really its no surprize. But I wouldn't want no police at my door, I can't afford anymore of that shit so your famous attention seakin post will sadly be deleted. Sorry. And im not "making" anyone hate you. A person can't force someone to dislike someone, thats impossible. In the end, the person makes the final discision. But anywho, enough about you.
So... school, reportcards..hmm. I got a 92 in bio which wasn't too bad i sapose, 92 in coop which also aint to bad, 86 in art.. and we will not speak of my math mark lol. But i still have an 80.25 average anyways so what ev. Except my parents claim to be taking my computer away from me. Magine the day that ever happens? lol its actuly sapose to already be gone.. haha yeah right. My parents are funny people im tellin ya. In other news mr.maxwell shit his pants at me and threw my books on the floor , lol it was quite the scene, thought he was gonna hit me. But other then that, Life is just great. Havent figured out the whole school situation yet, or my attitude problem..lol but other then that.. life is just lovely.
So... school, reportcards..hmm. I got a 92 in bio which wasn't too bad i sapose, 92 in coop which also aint to bad, 86 in art.. and we will not speak of my math mark lol. But i still have an 80.25 average anyways so what ev. Except my parents claim to be taking my computer away from me. Magine the day that ever happens? lol its actuly sapose to already be gone.. haha yeah right. My parents are funny people im tellin ya. In other news mr.maxwell shit his pants at me and threw my books on the floor , lol it was quite the scene, thought he was gonna hit me. But other then that, Life is just great. Havent figured out the whole school situation yet, or my attitude problem..lol but other then that.. life is just lovely.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Yup.
It brings pleasure to my eyes; to see you hide behind that discise. Why do you hold onto, the things that fade away? Why do people i'v never met; seem to always know my name? Do you think its breaking my heart to see you in so much pain? Caz it's not. It's not like your going a stray, im just trying to say goodbye to yesterday. I see the pain in your eyes, of all the things your holding tight, so afraid to fall you dont even try. Your giving all you'v got just to survive. But thats the price you pay when you play around with fire. It's like your soaked with gasoline, light a match, and exspect not to bleed. If you thought this would be easy, think again. This is the way it's gonna be, up until I leave.
You cry, I laugh.
You frown, I smile.
You run, I hide.
You fall, I stand.
You break, Im not picking up the peices anymore.
Im awaiting results not every 17 year old wishes to hear. Its the kind of shit you don't mess around with. But when you'v heard it all before, and this is like the millionth time, you tend to laugh it off, because it's no surprize, and really.. laughing is all you have left to do. At first I was excited it was finaly gonna happen, and i could finaly get it over with, now im not so sure. Now it's become reality, i can't ignore it anymore. Im going to know for sure soon and im praying to god that everythings going to be okay. I can't take anymore stress on my life right now. But, you'll never know.
Why Do You Hold Onto, The Things That Fade Away?
You cry, I laugh.
You frown, I smile.
You run, I hide.
You fall, I stand.
You break, Im not picking up the peices anymore.
Im awaiting results not every 17 year old wishes to hear. Its the kind of shit you don't mess around with. But when you'v heard it all before, and this is like the millionth time, you tend to laugh it off, because it's no surprize, and really.. laughing is all you have left to do. At first I was excited it was finaly gonna happen, and i could finaly get it over with, now im not so sure. Now it's become reality, i can't ignore it anymore. Im going to know for sure soon and im praying to god that everythings going to be okay. I can't take anymore stress on my life right now. But, you'll never know.
Why Do You Hold Onto, The Things That Fade Away?
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Stop pretending you DON'T CARE; & start pretending like you don't know how to HATE.
Well, things are looking up recently. I spent the entire day today uptown at the jewish museum (which i never knew exsited). Turns out its a pretty cool place. I was one of three people chosen from my school to go represent it at a "Holocost Study Group" so they call it. Its where a large group of teenagers from highschools in district 8 & 6 get together and learn about the holocost, what happened, what people went through, and to make sure it never happens again. The holocost is something that should never be forgotten, over 6 million people were tortured and killed, just because of their beliefes, because they were different. And about another 5 million killed because of their race, and other reasons. It is the worst example in history of stereotypic preadjust that cost millions of people their lives.
This day filled of many videos, books, pictures, artifacts, and survivor stories, really made me think. It made me think about how lucky I am to live in such a free country. How lucky I am to have my family, to have someone to love me. It made me realize how fast people you love and care about can be taken away, with no explination, no reason. So from today on im going to cherrish everyone I care about, and instead of pretending I don't know how to care, I'll pretend like I don't know how to hate.
In other news, my MRI's tomorrow.. that should be interesting. I don't know wether im excited to finally have it and get it over with, or scared shitless of the possibilities to the results. But im sure they'll be fine, just like always, im always fine..everything is always fine. Because i am always okay. Except, this time, as long as the results are fine.. then i really am gonna be okay, and i really am gonna be fine, because my life is in a good place now. Well, besides my family, and school, and my friends, and everything about me. So I guess I lied, but what else is new, i always do.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Removeable shadow; Of a concrete girl.
"deactivate" Click..
and then your left without a trace; and nothing more then memories based.
If your trying to run, then run faster.
If your trying to hide, then hide better.
If your trying not to break, stop trying.
If your trying to fool yourself, start laughing.
If you think you can do this, think again.
If you think your better then them, prove it.
If your fighting to survive, give up.
And if you think you can win, you've already lost.
and then your left without a trace; and nothing more then memories based.
If your trying to run, then run faster.
If your trying to hide, then hide better.
If your trying not to break, stop trying.
If your trying to fool yourself, start laughing.
If you think you can do this, think again.
If you think your better then them, prove it.
If your fighting to survive, give up.
And if you think you can win, you've already lost.
Making everything, from nothing.
Does it make sence, to care about someone so much..that in order to help them and yourself you may need to just let them go. If you think that they would be better off without you, isn't it just better off you say goodbye now while you don't have to , rather then later when you have no choice? Atleast, thats how i see it. I would rather hurt someone on purpose, then hurt someone and not have any choice. I dunno why, thats werid im aware. But i guess I like to be incontrole of my life, i dont like feeling like I don't have a say in things, even if it is hurting someone so much, that it ends up hurting me twice as much to see it happen.
I don't really know what im doing, i don't know how to deal with people who care i guess. Its stupid I know but, I dunno. I guess this summer really changed me. It forced me to grow up, and think outside of the box. It forced me to help other people, instead of getting helped. It opened my eyes to a way and feeling that people have and had towards me, when all i did was ignore them and hurt them even more. It taught me how to care for people, and to realize I could make a difference in other peoples lives. But, thats where I may have gotten a little too much over my head. The part where people look up to me, when theres nothing to look at. The part where people exspect answers, when i don't even know the qestion. The part where people exspect me to show them that I care, when im to afraid to..infear I might hurt them.
By the way, i just watched a movie..that may have been the most meaningful movie iv ever seen. I recomend seeing it at somepoint in your life. Maby when your at that point of giving up, or the point where all you have to look forward to in life is "fun". When your at the point where nothing has true meaning towards you. This movie will teach you that you truely don't have anything, until you have nothing. The movie is called "The Ultimate Gift". Rent it, it's good.
I don't really know what im doing, i don't know how to deal with people who care i guess. Its stupid I know but, I dunno. I guess this summer really changed me. It forced me to grow up, and think outside of the box. It forced me to help other people, instead of getting helped. It opened my eyes to a way and feeling that people have and had towards me, when all i did was ignore them and hurt them even more. It taught me how to care for people, and to realize I could make a difference in other peoples lives. But, thats where I may have gotten a little too much over my head. The part where people look up to me, when theres nothing to look at. The part where people exspect answers, when i don't even know the qestion. The part where people exspect me to show them that I care, when im to afraid to..infear I might hurt them.
By the way, i just watched a movie..that may have been the most meaningful movie iv ever seen. I recomend seeing it at somepoint in your life. Maby when your at that point of giving up, or the point where all you have to look forward to in life is "fun". When your at the point where nothing has true meaning towards you. This movie will teach you that you truely don't have anything, until you have nothing. The movie is called "The Ultimate Gift". Rent it, it's good.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Have what you want; But like what you have.
Continueing from my previous post, I have had some time to think..about life and such. Iv had a little bit of time to try and figure things out. Now, things are not totaly figured out and put back together, although id like to think they are, but they are slowly mending back together. Things are slowly starting to look up for me these days. I know what I want, and what I don't want. I know what I have to do, and what I can't do, in order to achieve it.
I have finaly realized that, life isn't going to be perfect, life isn't going to be fair. There are always going to be complications, dislikes, & dissapointments. There is always going to be someone, pushing you, putting pressure on you, someone who exspects more then your very best. Someone who cares so much about you, that they want you to have even more then your capeable of having, more then they have, they want you to be more then perfect. And there are always going to be times when you let these people down, because..noone's perfect, noone can do better then their very best, noone can stand strong and not fall into the pressures of life. And then theres sometimes in life, where you have to learn to give up what you love, so you don't dissapoint someone who loves you. Somethings in life you think you can't live without, but really.. there just getting in the way of what you need so you can live.
It gets better, trust me.
It gets easier, trust me.
You'll always please everyone; I lied.
I have finaly decided to take my own advice. I have finaly realized that I can not do this by myself. I can no longer hide behind a smile. I can no longer pretend that everything is fine, and that i have it all together; when I dont. I need more. There has to be more. I am finaly willing to try. I have gotten back into the swing of things. Iv been slowly thinking about god, and christian values. And remembering how happy I use to be, how much less stress was on my plate, because I knew god would handle it. Recently iv just been trying to handle and deal with everything on my own, and you know what... It Just DOESN'T Work.
I have finaly realized that, life isn't going to be perfect, life isn't going to be fair. There are always going to be complications, dislikes, & dissapointments. There is always going to be someone, pushing you, putting pressure on you, someone who exspects more then your very best. Someone who cares so much about you, that they want you to have even more then your capeable of having, more then they have, they want you to be more then perfect. And there are always going to be times when you let these people down, because..noone's perfect, noone can do better then their very best, noone can stand strong and not fall into the pressures of life. And then theres sometimes in life, where you have to learn to give up what you love, so you don't dissapoint someone who loves you. Somethings in life you think you can't live without, but really.. there just getting in the way of what you need so you can live.
It gets better, trust me.
It gets easier, trust me.
You'll always please everyone; I lied.
I have finaly decided to take my own advice. I have finaly realized that I can not do this by myself. I can no longer hide behind a smile. I can no longer pretend that everything is fine, and that i have it all together; when I dont. I need more. There has to be more. I am finaly willing to try. I have gotten back into the swing of things. Iv been slowly thinking about god, and christian values. And remembering how happy I use to be, how much less stress was on my plate, because I knew god would handle it. Recently iv just been trying to handle and deal with everything on my own, and you know what... It Just DOESN'T Work.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Encouragement
Okay, so my life is getting a little bit better then my previous posts. I had an encouraging talk with someone last night and it made me realize my stupidity. School is kinda of looking up for me, i got around a 90% on my biology midterm. We wont talk about my math..lol i dont know my mark yet but im assuming it isnt good. The rest of my other marks are high 80's-90's so im not complaining. My household parent situation seems to be dying down, although the akwardness is still there. I am finaly starting to get my life back together I think. This will be a good turn around point to me, my life crisis is slowly coming to an end.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Just when I thought it couldnt get any worse.
Okay, now im really starting to get pissed off. I don't think things could possibly get any worse. I am actuly quite confident that they couldn't. What do you do, when you've hid something, no actuly, your entire life, from someone..someone who trusted you, someone who thought you were "perfect", someone who was proud of you.. and they finaly find out the truth. And im talking about the ENTIRE truth. Not just half, or a little bit...the whole damn heart broken truth. A parents worse night mare- the day they find out their child couldn't of possibly screwed up anymore then they already have. The day they find out their child is nothing but a liar, and a dissapointed, and theres nothing they can do about it. I am just pissed beyond beliefe. Like, my life could quite possibly not get any worse. I am really getting sick of all this. It just keeps coming, one thing finaly ends and another starts. I seriously hate everything about this year. I am getting as far away as possible for university its not even funny. And I could care less if I ever saw anyone again. I need a new start, new life... a new family would be nice too. Please, I can't take this anymore, get me out of here. I am quickly breaking into a million peices and knowbody knows, & i'd like to keep it that way. Uggghhh
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Bad timing.
Okay, So why is it that.. everything ALWAYS seems to fall apart at exactly the same time. Nothing ever just gradually falls apart and starts to suck, it just all at once hits you. Well atleast that is the case for me. I really don't know what to do. I am falling apart, real fast, and real hard. The one person I could really use right now, the one person I actuly enjoy talking to, the person I can tell everything to and somehow manages to make everything seem alot better then it really is.. is gone away from me for over a month. I really don't know what to do, I need someone to talk to, to freak out at about life..someone to make me smile and forget about all the gay crap going on in my life right now.
*Miss you.<3
*Miss you.<3
Sunday, October 28, 2007
You Don't Know Me.
Hm.. so after 5 years, i finaly got busted. My parents oficialy know about the drinking, its just too bad there a little too late. I must say, today was the most akward conversation I would say I would ever have to have with my mother. I don't even know like, what to think? She was like, pissed/upset/surprized. I mean really, i dont see what the big surprize is, if it took her this long to figure it out, i must be really good at hiding who i really am. Its pretty sad when even the person who brought you into this world, can know nothing about you. So for those of you who know me, don't be surprized..if you really don't know me at all.
Iv stated before in this blog, that i am very good at hiding behind a smile. I am very good at faking a whole identity of someone im not, im very good at pretending im the "gurl who has it all together", when really, everything has already fallin apart.
Every teenager has had or will have there stage in life where they rebel and don't listen to their parents, and infact, do just the exact opposite just dispite them. Every teenager goes through hard times, times where they just don't think they can do it anymore. Times where the only thing that is standing in their way, are the people who care the most about them. Times when the only way out of all of this stress and unknowingness is drinking or what ever it may be. But me, my stage.. my stage is my whole life. I cannot escape it. A very good friend once said to me: "you are who you are, you can never change. You may think you can and have and you can try, but it only last a short while. Because deep down inside, this is who you are." I tried to prove him wrong, and i almost did, for almost 2 years.. until I finaly hit rock bottom, and my life came crashing down. When i finaly gave into everything that was trying to pull me back down. Some people don't understand, that somethings in life, just aren't worth fighting for. Somethings in life you just arent strong enough to over come them. Somethings in life you can not get through without your friends. And tell me this.. how are you sapose to be helped by friends, when they are going through the same thing. They are the ones bringin you down. Its the harsh circle of life people. You can't have everything, although we like to think we can, reality is..we just can't.
Someone asked me "is this what you want. Is this really who you want to be?" But do we really have a choice? Personaly I don't really think we do. I think someone along the road put the idea in everyones head that we did have a choice to be who we are. But really, i think our lives have already been decided for us. They'v been decided since god assigned us to our parents. I think this because, Kids are the spitting image of their parents. Its not who they want to be that they become, its who their parents raised them to be that is who they are. Well, unless ur the exception like me, and do the exact opposite of what your parents tell you to do, and let them believe for 5 years that their child is a little angle. Let them believe for 17 years that they raised you so well, that your not like all the other teenagers out their, that your not a dissapointment to them.
These next few weeks, or like month, is going to be really hard. Alot of stuff is going on that im not quite sure how its going to be handeld. So it should be interesting.
Iv stated before in this blog, that i am very good at hiding behind a smile. I am very good at faking a whole identity of someone im not, im very good at pretending im the "gurl who has it all together", when really, everything has already fallin apart.
Every teenager has had or will have there stage in life where they rebel and don't listen to their parents, and infact, do just the exact opposite just dispite them. Every teenager goes through hard times, times where they just don't think they can do it anymore. Times where the only thing that is standing in their way, are the people who care the most about them. Times when the only way out of all of this stress and unknowingness is drinking or what ever it may be. But me, my stage.. my stage is my whole life. I cannot escape it. A very good friend once said to me: "you are who you are, you can never change. You may think you can and have and you can try, but it only last a short while. Because deep down inside, this is who you are." I tried to prove him wrong, and i almost did, for almost 2 years.. until I finaly hit rock bottom, and my life came crashing down. When i finaly gave into everything that was trying to pull me back down. Some people don't understand, that somethings in life, just aren't worth fighting for. Somethings in life you just arent strong enough to over come them. Somethings in life you can not get through without your friends. And tell me this.. how are you sapose to be helped by friends, when they are going through the same thing. They are the ones bringin you down. Its the harsh circle of life people. You can't have everything, although we like to think we can, reality is..we just can't.
Someone asked me "is this what you want. Is this really who you want to be?" But do we really have a choice? Personaly I don't really think we do. I think someone along the road put the idea in everyones head that we did have a choice to be who we are. But really, i think our lives have already been decided for us. They'v been decided since god assigned us to our parents. I think this because, Kids are the spitting image of their parents. Its not who they want to be that they become, its who their parents raised them to be that is who they are. Well, unless ur the exception like me, and do the exact opposite of what your parents tell you to do, and let them believe for 5 years that their child is a little angle. Let them believe for 17 years that they raised you so well, that your not like all the other teenagers out their, that your not a dissapointment to them.
These next few weeks, or like month, is going to be really hard. Alot of stuff is going on that im not quite sure how its going to be handeld. So it should be interesting.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Song I wrote today
when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
shes calling out your name
wont you come and heal her pain
caz shes sick of going crazy
and its driving her insain
when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
shes reaching out to you
shes starting to loose hope
shes starting to give up
caz day by day shes finding she cant cope, and
when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
shes searching for an answer
for the questions of this life
how much longer could it take
just for her to get it right
when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
she wonders when her time will come
for you to reach out and save her
shes falling down
shes falling
shes falling down
and you cant save her now
she breaks the broken then falls apart
shes calling out your name
wont you come and heal her pain
caz shes sick of going crazy
and its driving her insain
when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
shes reaching out to you
shes starting to loose hope
shes starting to give up
caz day by day shes finding she cant cope, and
when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
shes searching for an answer
for the questions of this life
how much longer could it take
just for her to get it right
when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
she wonders when her time will come
for you to reach out and save her
shes falling down
shes falling
shes falling down
and you cant save her now
Monday, October 22, 2007
& when she falls; she falls so hard.
So just when things were finaly starting to look up for me (minus my new concussion), ofcourse they would go and turn it all upside down. I was finaly really happy, and had no complaints. Even the concussion for the past two weeks never got me down. I had the best weekend of my life, met the nicest person ever. And now it's all going to be taken away from me. Obv, caz that always happens. I dunno, im getting a little bit frustrated with life in general these days. I hate hate HATE school. And concussions, and people, and just pretty much everything. I don't know why this always happens to me. Its like im suck prone er something, along with accident prone.
I hate when this happens caz im not one of those people who slip up a little bit, or get a little sad or frustrated for a short period of time but doesn't let it affect the rest of my life. Im the person who holds on for so long until shes about to break, and cant take it anymore... until I finaly let go, and fall harder then the last time. I try way too much to be strong because I don't like to depend on other people to make things easier on my life. I try to conqure the world by myself, and day by day im learning more and more that I can't do that anymore.
When I was younger things use to go wrong in my life but I could just ignore it and brush it off my shoulder. Back then I could just say "someday i will look back on this and laugh". And you know what, when i look back on things from middle school and elementary school I do laugh, alot. But as I got older I realized I don't have the patience that i had 5-8 years ago. Anxiety collects over time, and eventually, you end up in gr.12..not being able to handle all the pressures life throws at you about university, friends, guys, lifestyles..etc. Stress Stress Stress.
The only thing that changes over the years are the ways in which people tend to deal with stress. They don't have the imagination they use to so instead of saying "we'll just laugh about this later", teenagers tend to turn to quick fix's..becauses thats the only way they see is out. So they waist their lives away on drugs and alcohol instead of figuring a normal more civilized way out. Like talking to someone, learning how to handle and deal with stress more easily. If only it worked that way, instead..because of life's crap, people are forced to sit back and watch their friends and people they care about, waist away to nothing as their brain gets fried or there liver fails and they end up dieing. Yes thats right, death can be a result to stress. Stress can lead to hard drugs, alcoholism or even suicide (which is less common but happens).
I don't really know what im getting at with all of this. But when will the confusion, frustration and depression end? When will people finaly grow up and realize they can't always run away from their problems. Its funny when I say "grow up" because really, i think they need to "grow down", because kids seem to be the innocent ones who don't seem to let anything bother them longer then 2 minutes. Kids today worry too much about growing up. They want to grow up too fast, so fast that they try drugs, alcohol, sex..etc, and it ends up ruining their child innocence. My advice to young people is to not grow up. Try and stay young as long as possible, it will help you in the long run. When i was little I always use to wish my life away because i wanted to be in highschool. Then i wanted my liscence... then i wanted to be in grade 12, now That i have everything I ever wanted. All i want is to be a few years younger with less things to worry about.
I hate when this happens caz im not one of those people who slip up a little bit, or get a little sad or frustrated for a short period of time but doesn't let it affect the rest of my life. Im the person who holds on for so long until shes about to break, and cant take it anymore... until I finaly let go, and fall harder then the last time. I try way too much to be strong because I don't like to depend on other people to make things easier on my life. I try to conqure the world by myself, and day by day im learning more and more that I can't do that anymore.
When I was younger things use to go wrong in my life but I could just ignore it and brush it off my shoulder. Back then I could just say "someday i will look back on this and laugh". And you know what, when i look back on things from middle school and elementary school I do laugh, alot. But as I got older I realized I don't have the patience that i had 5-8 years ago. Anxiety collects over time, and eventually, you end up in gr.12..not being able to handle all the pressures life throws at you about university, friends, guys, lifestyles..etc. Stress Stress Stress.
The only thing that changes over the years are the ways in which people tend to deal with stress. They don't have the imagination they use to so instead of saying "we'll just laugh about this later", teenagers tend to turn to quick fix's..becauses thats the only way they see is out. So they waist their lives away on drugs and alcohol instead of figuring a normal more civilized way out. Like talking to someone, learning how to handle and deal with stress more easily. If only it worked that way, instead..because of life's crap, people are forced to sit back and watch their friends and people they care about, waist away to nothing as their brain gets fried or there liver fails and they end up dieing. Yes thats right, death can be a result to stress. Stress can lead to hard drugs, alcoholism or even suicide (which is less common but happens).
I don't really know what im getting at with all of this. But when will the confusion, frustration and depression end? When will people finaly grow up and realize they can't always run away from their problems. Its funny when I say "grow up" because really, i think they need to "grow down", because kids seem to be the innocent ones who don't seem to let anything bother them longer then 2 minutes. Kids today worry too much about growing up. They want to grow up too fast, so fast that they try drugs, alcohol, sex..etc, and it ends up ruining their child innocence. My advice to young people is to not grow up. Try and stay young as long as possible, it will help you in the long run. When i was little I always use to wish my life away because i wanted to be in highschool. Then i wanted my liscence... then i wanted to be in grade 12, now That i have everything I ever wanted. All i want is to be a few years younger with less things to worry about.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
God Is Out To Get Me.
So i got to go for my second ambulance ride this morning. Im starting to get pissed off at life. Im always getting hurt. My LAST day of fieldhockey, like fuuccck. Some tank ass bitch HAS to slam her 500 pound body into my head. She just HAD to. I was finaly just getting over a concussion that ruined my life for a good year n a half. Now I get to do it ALL over again. Im soo pissed. Like, everytime I finaly start to like my life, somethings serious comes along and happens to me to ruin my life some more. I swear God's out to get me these days. Like seriously.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Break Me
Have you ever, ever crossed your heart, ever hoped to die
Have you ever, ever fell apart, ever told a lie
This is the story of my life these days. Im so confused. I have no idea what I want. Well actuly, I know what I want, but I also know what I want and can't seem to have. It really is complicated you know, life. Sometimes I just think it sucks. Really, how is it that I can figure out a complicated 3D puzzel, or even put together a computer desk, without instructions..even though they are there if I need them. But the one thing I can't figure out, as hard and as much as I try, over and over again, doesn't come with instructions just to back me up when I get it wrong. Life is the one thing that should come with an instruction book.
Oh crap, I think I just realized the answer to my complaint. Life does come with an instruction book, a vey large one that many people choose not to read, because, like a map..people think they can find their way on there own. The instruction book i am refering to is the Bible.
Okay, this night just on keeps gettin more weird. I just recieved a letter in the mail. On the front of the envelope it didnt say who it was from, just that it was for me. I opened it, in curiosity, only to find that what was inside was exactly what i needed right now. It was a letter from TEC (teens encounter christ), that i filled out about my weekend at tec in may. At the top of the letter it says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to prosper you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Hmm... I do believe God is trying to tell me something. And I do believe hes telling me to grow up, get my life together, stop giving up so easily, and to start fighting for what I believe in. I really just need to believe in myself. I am trying, I really am..but somehow I keep giving up on myself before I can even start to try.
Have you ever, ever fell apart, ever told a lie
This is the story of my life these days. Im so confused. I have no idea what I want. Well actuly, I know what I want, but I also know what I want and can't seem to have. It really is complicated you know, life. Sometimes I just think it sucks. Really, how is it that I can figure out a complicated 3D puzzel, or even put together a computer desk, without instructions..even though they are there if I need them. But the one thing I can't figure out, as hard and as much as I try, over and over again, doesn't come with instructions just to back me up when I get it wrong. Life is the one thing that should come with an instruction book.
Oh crap, I think I just realized the answer to my complaint. Life does come with an instruction book, a vey large one that many people choose not to read, because, like a map..people think they can find their way on there own. The instruction book i am refering to is the Bible.
Okay, this night just on keeps gettin more weird. I just recieved a letter in the mail. On the front of the envelope it didnt say who it was from, just that it was for me. I opened it, in curiosity, only to find that what was inside was exactly what i needed right now. It was a letter from TEC (teens encounter christ), that i filled out about my weekend at tec in may. At the top of the letter it says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to prosper you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Hmm... I do believe God is trying to tell me something. And I do believe hes telling me to grow up, get my life together, stop giving up so easily, and to start fighting for what I believe in. I really just need to believe in myself. I am trying, I really am..but somehow I keep giving up on myself before I can even start to try.
Monday, October 08, 2007
Wake Up Call.
"Your barried in your loss of innocence, wondering if you'll find it again.."
Everyone is searching for that innocence they lost along time ago. Let's face it, shit happens. People aren't perfect forever, people are not kids forever. People grow up, live their lives, and make mistakes. However; it isnt as easy to make mistakes as when you were little, and people said "kids will be kids", because they havent lost their innocence yet. Teenagers on the other hand, even adults, they screw up and noone can ever seem to forgive them.
But even threw it all, threw all the people that will look down on you for your mistakes, all the people who can either "forgive" but not "forget", or just not forgive at all..even after all those people have passed their judgments, theres still one person who will never pass judgement on you. He may be dissapointed, but he will never give up. He will never believe your a screw up, or worthless, or just a big mistake. Over the past couple months I have seem to forgotten this. Forgotten everything I believed in. Everything I lived for, everything that made me believe every mourning i woke up that i still had a chance to change, a chance to make a difference in not only my self but the world. God is the one person who will love you when it's all over. When its all not okay, after the rain falls and even after the sun goes out. In the song "After The World" by Disciple, it explains how much god loves us, and how he will never stop loving us, no matter what, even after the world is over. It wasn't until I heard this song the other day, that I even remembered who God really is. And what God has done in my life for so long.. how could I just forget him like that? Let a few mistakes and the loss of my innocence completly erase him from my mind. This song really spoke to me in powerful words, I think its my wake up call. I have been going down the wrong path lately, some to which it has been out of my controle. Sometimes, it takes more then strength to win the fight of life. Sometimes its way beyond self controle, its way beyond what your friends may think, what your family may think, or even what you yourself may think. Strength is all i can ask for, but I can only ask it of one person. And that person is someone I have been leaving behind in my life latly, so no matter how much strength i asked for, i was never going to recieve it. This time it's different, this time i have realized where i went wrong and the mistakes I've made on the way. This time im going to try, instead of telling people I am, when really i know damn well im not. I tend to do that.. lie, to cover up my life. I don't like knowing that people have me all figured out, because it happens alot in my life where people think they know me, but really have no sweet clue. I tend to lie, and hide behind a smile very well these days. My true identity has yet to be discovered. Im still searching for it myself.
Everyone is searching for that innocence they lost along time ago. Let's face it, shit happens. People aren't perfect forever, people are not kids forever. People grow up, live their lives, and make mistakes. However; it isnt as easy to make mistakes as when you were little, and people said "kids will be kids", because they havent lost their innocence yet. Teenagers on the other hand, even adults, they screw up and noone can ever seem to forgive them.
But even threw it all, threw all the people that will look down on you for your mistakes, all the people who can either "forgive" but not "forget", or just not forgive at all..even after all those people have passed their judgments, theres still one person who will never pass judgement on you. He may be dissapointed, but he will never give up. He will never believe your a screw up, or worthless, or just a big mistake. Over the past couple months I have seem to forgotten this. Forgotten everything I believed in. Everything I lived for, everything that made me believe every mourning i woke up that i still had a chance to change, a chance to make a difference in not only my self but the world. God is the one person who will love you when it's all over. When its all not okay, after the rain falls and even after the sun goes out. In the song "After The World" by Disciple, it explains how much god loves us, and how he will never stop loving us, no matter what, even after the world is over. It wasn't until I heard this song the other day, that I even remembered who God really is. And what God has done in my life for so long.. how could I just forget him like that? Let a few mistakes and the loss of my innocence completly erase him from my mind. This song really spoke to me in powerful words, I think its my wake up call. I have been going down the wrong path lately, some to which it has been out of my controle. Sometimes, it takes more then strength to win the fight of life. Sometimes its way beyond self controle, its way beyond what your friends may think, what your family may think, or even what you yourself may think. Strength is all i can ask for, but I can only ask it of one person. And that person is someone I have been leaving behind in my life latly, so no matter how much strength i asked for, i was never going to recieve it. This time it's different, this time i have realized where i went wrong and the mistakes I've made on the way. This time im going to try, instead of telling people I am, when really i know damn well im not. I tend to do that.. lie, to cover up my life. I don't like knowing that people have me all figured out, because it happens alot in my life where people think they know me, but really have no sweet clue. I tend to lie, and hide behind a smile very well these days. My true identity has yet to be discovered. Im still searching for it myself.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Stresss.
So, today was interesting. I was sick all yesterday and just felt worse today. But ofcourse I have to go to school this semester because I have co-op that I can't miss. So feelin like crap as the day went on, it just kept getting better. I missed my first fieldhockey game because i was too sick to even attempt to play. Which sucked caz i love fieldhockey with my life and were coming down into the last few weeks of season. So i came home mad i had to miss my game, to the well known surprize of a conversation long seen coming. A conversation with someone I really didn't want to have a conversation with, especaily that conversation. I really didn't know what to say, because I promised I wouldn't lie to this person anymore. But it's so hard not to sometimes because I really hate to let this specific person down. Some people just can't except change, others tend to dwell in it. I am just trying to do this person a favor. I know it isn't the answer but i thought it might make things get better, not nessisairaly for me, but for that person. I dunno, things didn't exactly end the way I had planned, and I probly could of handled the situation alot better, but im under alot of stress these days and I just can't handle anything else.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Thank You;
You showed me i can not handle everything on my own. You showed me im not as strong as i like to think i am. You showed me that it is possible to hit rock bottom, more then once in life. Your an obstical in life i thought id never overcome. A constant reminder of everything i hate, in not only the world, but myself. Because of you I now know how easy it is to hide behind a smile, to pretend everything is okay, when clearly it isnt. Because of you i realized there are some things in life just not worth getting upset over, some people in life who just aren't worth it, some situations you'd be better off staying away from, but wheres the fun in that? Life is a huge question mark, waiting to be answered. But when will it ever be answered? When will someone figure out the full meaning of life, so that there are no more questions, no more pain, no more scilent crys, trying to hide behind a smile that just isn't big enough. When will people be able to stop lying for other peoples satisfaction. Only time will tell, after all..isn't that all we have?
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Life just kept getting in the way.
So, im about a month into grade 12, and so far so good. Nothing too exciting has happened. Its kinda stressful tho. Even tho I really only have Math and Biology to worry about this semester, Co-op is frustrating. Also worrying about universities and stuff. I remember when i was in gr.9 & 10 thinking "thank god I have lots of time to figure all that stuff out". Well now it's here and i have no idea what im doing with the rest of my life. Quite frankly life doesn't give you enough time to figure it out, and just when you think you have, life goes and throws you a curve in the road. I hope i figure something out soon, because im running out of time.
And other then school, my life is really complex these days. Some days I feel like i have it all together, and the next i have no idea whats going on. It's a wierd feeling for me because I usualy feel like im on top of everything, but recently it's like im at the bottom. Im finaly back into playing sports, which i would think should be good for me.. but its brought back out the "competivness" in me, and now i find myself getting more angry and frustrated with that. I have anger in my eyes, and suspicion in my voice. My eyes lie for me and my smile helps think everything is okay, but sometimes its not. I guess you can never win in life. I feel like im on a constant rerun of the first couple years of my highschool life. It's like im staring in the movie in back of my head, "This is everything iv always wanted; Life just kept getting in the way". Life seems to always get in the way of the things i want. It never seems to fail when I finaly feel like i have a hold on things, to put someone or something in the way of everything. Happens everytime.
And other then school, my life is really complex these days. Some days I feel like i have it all together, and the next i have no idea whats going on. It's a wierd feeling for me because I usualy feel like im on top of everything, but recently it's like im at the bottom. Im finaly back into playing sports, which i would think should be good for me.. but its brought back out the "competivness" in me, and now i find myself getting more angry and frustrated with that. I have anger in my eyes, and suspicion in my voice. My eyes lie for me and my smile helps think everything is okay, but sometimes its not. I guess you can never win in life. I feel like im on a constant rerun of the first couple years of my highschool life. It's like im staring in the movie in back of my head, "This is everything iv always wanted; Life just kept getting in the way". Life seems to always get in the way of the things i want. It never seems to fail when I finaly feel like i have a hold on things, to put someone or something in the way of everything. Happens everytime.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Forever 17;
| So, i'v actuly spent my whole summer at camp. Well up until this week. It has been amazing, i met some really awesome kids who changed my view on life and about myself. Campers I have met during jr.teen have had the biggest impact on me. The younger ones are cute, but they are so innocent that im scared to answer questions because if im wrong i could alter there views about life for ever. So the older kids I enjoy because most of them have amazing life stories of courage and strength that really open my eyes. I never thought I could care about someone I just met, someone I know If I didn't want to I would never have to see them again after the week. But even after just one night spent at camp with them Its as if I was looking out for myself when I was there age. Something I didn't do, So i can try and prevent them from screwing up like I did. Sometimes it gets stressful though, like im in over my head. Some days I just can't take anymore, and im about to break. Someday I go without literaly talking to anyone, because if I do I will blow up, because im so frustrated and dont have the strength and knowledge to handle some situations. Situations I know the kids feel like knowone can ever understand them. Most situations Iv been through and I understand but there far beyond my controle. Its really frustrating to see someone you care about go through something and know there is not much else you can do for them, they have to help themselves before they can let other people help them. I think that is one thing I have learned this summer. I dunno, im really glad I took the time this summer to volunteer my life at camp helping others. Even at times where I felt like i was no use, times I felt like there was nothing more I could do, times I felt like I wasnt ready for this.. even in those times I always wanted to go back and try. Which is something I just developed recently, because im not one to give up, but when I feel the way I do sometimes.. im surprized I don't make up some kind of excuse to get out of it. Besides that, it was my 17th birthday on Monday! It was soo nice to see some of my friends. I haven't been able to see them this summer because iv been away. And it was really nice to just spend the time together we did catching up and laughing. I didnt realize how much I missed them until I started to laugh. I had no worries the whole night about anything, I was just so happy and smileing, it was so nice to just be relaxed and not stressed out. Iv been home all week and its been really nice just seeing everyone. Srt is next week, its the last week of camp. I dunno if I wanna go back. I mean like, I do more then anything because camp is the best place on earth to me, but im getting caught up in finaly seeing all my friends and its been so great. I feel like I missed so much when I was gone. And the summer is quickly coming to an end. I have friends going to university im never going to see and I could of this summer but never got the chance. I dunno, it kinda sucks I guess, but thats life. Im growing up. (God help my soul) |
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Camp Medley.
So, I just got back from 2 weeks in a row spent at Medley. Now, Atfirst i really didn't want to go, and I thought i was gonna hate it, and that I had grown out of the camp stage. Although this summer I wasn't there as a camper, i was there as an LIT which is like staff. It was VERY different from the 10 or 11 years i had gone as a camper. I had an amazeing time the first week i was there at Boys & Girls 1. The kids were soo cute, and i was in a cabin with amazing staff members. I really felt as if I had grown up alot since last year. I had kids asking me questions that i had been too stubern to answer myself the exact same ones recently. But when they asked me, I answered them to the best of my ability. Questions like : "who is god", "why doesn't god always answer your prayers", "How do we know God really exist", and "Who made God, if God made everything". I had asked myself these questions in the past so many times, and never found the answers until 2 weeks ago.
And then this past week, for Jr.Teen 1, I REALLY got a chance to see who I use to be as a camper. And how frustrated councilers must have been with me, because i was very frustrated with alot of the campers at first, just because of the huge change between age difference in the 2 weeks. I really got to know not only campers, staff and God, but myself as well. Jr.Teen really opened my eyes to who i was and who i am now. To see some of the girls in chaple really broke my heart. I prayed alot alot of them everynight, and by the end of the week, they pretty well all eventually broke down and found god. It was awesome. I also got to pray for people , which was amazeing. I finaly got the chance to repay god for everything and everyone he has put/done in my life, and i never felt so good in my entire life. It was probly the best experience ever and I am so glad I did it. Further more, I can not wait to go back and volunteer for pretty much the rest of the summer!
And then this past week, for Jr.Teen 1, I REALLY got a chance to see who I use to be as a camper. And how frustrated councilers must have been with me, because i was very frustrated with alot of the campers at first, just because of the huge change between age difference in the 2 weeks. I really got to know not only campers, staff and God, but myself as well. Jr.Teen really opened my eyes to who i was and who i am now. To see some of the girls in chaple really broke my heart. I prayed alot alot of them everynight, and by the end of the week, they pretty well all eventually broke down and found god. It was awesome. I also got to pray for people , which was amazeing. I finaly got the chance to repay god for everything and everyone he has put/done in my life, and i never felt so good in my entire life. It was probly the best experience ever and I am so glad I did it. Further more, I can not wait to go back and volunteer for pretty much the rest of the summer!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
LIT
Hey people, okay so, this summer so far has been pretty good. Its only been about 2 weeks and iv already been through more then i can handle. But its good, its teaching me alot about life. For instence, this summer has taught me to forgive, and also that sometimes stress can build up inside you for so long, so much, that eventually you'll brust and do things that, you may not regret, but after wonder if it was worth it. And the hard part to wondering is that, you may realize it was worth it, but you no you shouldn't result tho those types of situations. I don't know, life is a strange thing.
Anyways, in a couple days im going to Camp Medley to be an LIT. I don't exactly know how i feel about this, I know i should feel excited and happy, but instead im kinda scared and really stressed out. I don't know if im ready to take responsibility for other childrens faith, if i don't even have my own figured out. Hopefuly it works out to my advantage, and teaches me some things about mylife I never knew. Im going into the next 2 weeks with no exspectations, therefore i wont be let down if they are not fufilled. I think it should be good though, hopefuly. Im just extremly stressed out to the max at the moment about it. So wish me luck!
Anyways, in a couple days im going to Camp Medley to be an LIT. I don't exactly know how i feel about this, I know i should feel excited and happy, but instead im kinda scared and really stressed out. I don't know if im ready to take responsibility for other childrens faith, if i don't even have my own figured out. Hopefuly it works out to my advantage, and teaches me some things about mylife I never knew. Im going into the next 2 weeks with no exspectations, therefore i wont be let down if they are not fufilled. I think it should be good though, hopefuly. Im just extremly stressed out to the max at the moment about it. So wish me luck!
Monday, June 18, 2007
Summer 'o7 baby
Summer is finaly here!! Wow, my favorite time of year. Gr.11 went by so fast this year, but im so glad its over. Exams went well (so i think) I wont actuly know what i got on them until thursday. Friig, grade 12 next year baby! Thats so werid, like.. I don't feel old enough to be in gr.12, nor do I know what im doing with the rest of my life after it. I had it all figured out, but plans have changed.
So, summer! LIT weekend was sapose to be the weekend that just passed, but it got moved until this upcoming weekend. I was upset about it being moved, but I had the best weekend of my life so now im glad it did! So I have LIT weekend to look forward too (if i go), and sometime after that, 2 full weeks spent at Medley! How exciting! Im also going to Old Orchard Beach in July for some vacation, which I love caz its so like cute and old fashiony. Then In August Im planning on going to New Hampsure for SoulFest2007, which should be a good time also. So my summer is pretty exciting and im looking forward to it! The weather has been pretty nice thus far! Iv been doin some seriously tannage lol. Anywho, im all out of things to say, so when something exciting comes up in the near future I may post something.
Have a good SUMMER:)
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Post TEC.
So, im pretty sure all this week all I could possibly think about was TEC. I miss it SOO much, the people, the singing, everything. I let go of so much when I was there, I had no worries or anything. No hard decisions to make. Then it hit me, the cold harsh reality of the world. The gossip, parties, heartache, betrail... all this stuff surrounds me in just one week. Wether it is towards me or not, I can still see it, all around. At TEC everyone got along, we were all happy, and we all shared a common intrest. Everyone was different, but special in their own way. Everyone could get past the differences for once, unlike this world, difference is a battle people face everyday. I hate it, i hate being involved in it.
I don't belong here, I don't fit in with the lives everyone around me leads. Im fighting so hard to survive, that I loose myself in the process. It happens everytime, and everytime I seem to fail. I dont know how much pain and suffering to stay alive I can take. I am a strong kid, and can take alot more pain then the average person, but someday I wont be able to take anymore.. and i dunno what im gonna do.
I don't belong here, I don't fit in with the lives everyone around me leads. Im fighting so hard to survive, that I loose myself in the process. It happens everytime, and everytime I seem to fail. I dont know how much pain and suffering to stay alive I can take. I am a strong kid, and can take alot more pain then the average person, but someday I wont be able to take anymore.. and i dunno what im gonna do.
Monday, May 21, 2007
TEC 15.
Hey, okay so, I just got back from a long weekend at TEC 15. When I was there I wrote some stuff down about it, so im gonna share with you what it was I said.
Saterday (Day #1):
" Getting akward! I am so not as big of a bible tumper as these people."
"Skits...what an interesting time that will be. So not into this whole God scene. What am I even doing here?"
Sunday Morning (Day #2):
"Okay, so last night was really weird. I was sitting there while everyone was whorshiping and praying and stuff, and I really felt like I should go get prayer caz Iv needed it for SOO long, but I just kinda ignored the feeling and just sat there. Then, Martha came over to me and (god love her, saving me everytime), says "you should go get prayer, I'll come with you." So I get up and very slowly, akwardly walk over to 2 guys (Julien and Terrance) and asked them to pray for me. He asked what I wanted to be prayed for, and I very not wanting to say it said "Pray that I can feel forgivin for my past". So They did, and one of them started talking in tounges and such. Just like freakin out. Then he says: Alyson, Jesus is looking you in the eyes RIGHT NOW saying he forgives you, and I closed my eyes, and the weridest thing happened. I saw 2 eyes looking back at me, and a heart underneath them. Then all of a sudden, I felt like I was being pushed, and started to like, go back and forth, trying to keep my ballance, but my eyes would not open. Then my whole body just totaly let go of everything and I fell onto the ground. As I was lying onto the ground it felt like someone had lit a match inside of my body it was burning so much. All I could see was white, cloud sort of things, and it felt as if I was floating. I was soo light, and the insides of me were shakeing. I could hear everything going on around me, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldnt open my eyes. Aparently that happenes when the Holy spirit comes into your body because he is too strong to fight it, and too powerful and overwhelming for our human bodies. Finaly I was able to open my eyes, it was the weridest thing iv ever gone through in my life!"
Sunday Night:
"I dont know if that was a good thing or not. Im still trying to grasp the fact that ever happened. Why would it happen to me of all people? I most certainly am not anything specail, and don't deserve that. I don't even know where I am with the whole God thing yet. Im always going back and forth, but I never have enough proof. Was last night enough proof? I really don't know, I still find it werid and scary that happened."
Monday Morning (day 3):
"I do not want to go home! This has been the most amazing experience ever!! Im really glad I came, because I really wasn't going to."
So that is just how much God worked in my life in just a little bit of time. Its amazing really, I can't even explain this weekend. but I met so many awesome people and sang my little heart out! Also, what you may not no is. Today I was asked to get up infront of EVERYONE at tec and talk about my saterdaynight experience. I was trying to avoid it all weekend, ignoring the tight chest, heart beating fast, but then I finaly got the push I needed and got up. It was really hard for me because I hate letting people in, and talking about my personal feelings, PLUS, I am hugely afraid of public speaking, so it was quite the challange to get up there. I don't even remeber what I said my heart was beating so fast, and not to mention I cried all the way through it lol. But it was awesome I guess.
So OVER ALL, TEC 15 was the best experience of my life!!!
Saterday (Day #1):
" Getting akward! I am so not as big of a bible tumper as these people."
"Skits...what an interesting time that will be. So not into this whole God scene. What am I even doing here?"
Sunday Morning (Day #2):
"Okay, so last night was really weird. I was sitting there while everyone was whorshiping and praying and stuff, and I really felt like I should go get prayer caz Iv needed it for SOO long, but I just kinda ignored the feeling and just sat there. Then, Martha came over to me and (god love her, saving me everytime), says "you should go get prayer, I'll come with you." So I get up and very slowly, akwardly walk over to 2 guys (Julien and Terrance) and asked them to pray for me. He asked what I wanted to be prayed for, and I very not wanting to say it said "Pray that I can feel forgivin for my past". So They did, and one of them started talking in tounges and such. Just like freakin out. Then he says: Alyson, Jesus is looking you in the eyes RIGHT NOW saying he forgives you, and I closed my eyes, and the weridest thing happened. I saw 2 eyes looking back at me, and a heart underneath them. Then all of a sudden, I felt like I was being pushed, and started to like, go back and forth, trying to keep my ballance, but my eyes would not open. Then my whole body just totaly let go of everything and I fell onto the ground. As I was lying onto the ground it felt like someone had lit a match inside of my body it was burning so much. All I could see was white, cloud sort of things, and it felt as if I was floating. I was soo light, and the insides of me were shakeing. I could hear everything going on around me, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldnt open my eyes. Aparently that happenes when the Holy spirit comes into your body because he is too strong to fight it, and too powerful and overwhelming for our human bodies. Finaly I was able to open my eyes, it was the weridest thing iv ever gone through in my life!"
Sunday Night:
"I dont know if that was a good thing or not. Im still trying to grasp the fact that ever happened. Why would it happen to me of all people? I most certainly am not anything specail, and don't deserve that. I don't even know where I am with the whole God thing yet. Im always going back and forth, but I never have enough proof. Was last night enough proof? I really don't know, I still find it werid and scary that happened."
Monday Morning (day 3):
"I do not want to go home! This has been the most amazing experience ever!! Im really glad I came, because I really wasn't going to."
So that is just how much God worked in my life in just a little bit of time. Its amazing really, I can't even explain this weekend. but I met so many awesome people and sang my little heart out! Also, what you may not no is. Today I was asked to get up infront of EVERYONE at tec and talk about my saterdaynight experience. I was trying to avoid it all weekend, ignoring the tight chest, heart beating fast, but then I finaly got the push I needed and got up. It was really hard for me because I hate letting people in, and talking about my personal feelings, PLUS, I am hugely afraid of public speaking, so it was quite the challange to get up there. I don't even remeber what I said my heart was beating so fast, and not to mention I cried all the way through it lol. But it was awesome I guess.
So OVER ALL, TEC 15 was the best experience of my life!!!
Friday, May 11, 2007
Poetry Reading.
I did something I never thought i'd ever do today. It was quite a good experience actuly, I enjoyed it after it was finished, and my face was finished turning every shade of red possible. Anyways, incase your wondering what it was exactly I did, I went to a Poetry reading at the public library today. Now, you may be like, oh whats the big deal? BUT if you know me at all, you may know 2 things, that I am extremly scared of public speaking, AND that I do not express emotions well. So reading a poem I wrote that is like, about a time in my life, infront of people, with a microphone and everything lol, was a huge deal. And the fact I had to go second didn't help either.
As I got up there, shaking in my shoes, lol I was really nervous of what people were gonna think. As words started coming from my mouth, All i could think was "what in the hell am I doing up here?". And then, by the time I got my mind to unwrap from that thought, it was over. Everyone claped, and I felt goood because I Finaly over came two of my greatest fears. They don't seem like much, but to me they honestly are. Anyways, so I really enjoyed it and im happy I did it.
So that was my excitement for the week. Anywho, im out. Peace
As I got up there, shaking in my shoes, lol I was really nervous of what people were gonna think. As words started coming from my mouth, All i could think was "what in the hell am I doing up here?". And then, by the time I got my mind to unwrap from that thought, it was over. Everyone claped, and I felt goood because I Finaly over came two of my greatest fears. They don't seem like much, but to me they honestly are. Anyways, so I really enjoyed it and im happy I did it.
So that was my excitement for the week. Anywho, im out. Peace
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Accomplishment.. or not?
So I officaily haven't drank in a year. WOW, what an accomplishment...not? Im totaly pissed off and just want school to get over so summer can start. This year has literaly been hell, and not exactly what I barganed for. But what ever, thats over and done with, so heres to the new year.
Anyways, I had to write somthing for english this weekend. Not exactly sure if it makes sence, but I was able to turn it into a nice lil song. So here it is..
My Reason Is You
Like a rain drop,
the mountains fall from the sky
Like an ocean and it's tide,
this heart is ever waiting to find
Like the trees change with season
This soul searches the widths of this earth for reason
reason to live
reason to breath
reason to set your soul free again
reason to love
reason to laugh
reason to save yourself so hearts can mend
Like a rain drop,
the mountains fall from the sky
Like an ocean and it's tide
this heart is ever waiting to find
Like the trees change with season
this soul searches the widths of this earth for reason
And I found you,
in the midst of it all
My reason is You
Anyways, I had to write somthing for english this weekend. Not exactly sure if it makes sence, but I was able to turn it into a nice lil song. So here it is..
My Reason Is You
Like a rain drop,
the mountains fall from the sky
Like an ocean and it's tide,
this heart is ever waiting to find
Like the trees change with season
This soul searches the widths of this earth for reason
reason to live
reason to breath
reason to set your soul free again
reason to love
reason to laugh
reason to save yourself so hearts can mend
Like a rain drop,
the mountains fall from the sky
Like an ocean and it's tide
this heart is ever waiting to find
Like the trees change with season
this soul searches the widths of this earth for reason
And I found you,
in the midst of it all
My reason is You
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Freedom Writers.
So I just finished watching the movie "freedom Writers". I saw it in theaters before but my parents rented it this weekend so i decided to watch it again. It is honestly one of my favorite movies. And it's funny because, I know alot of people who honestly hated it and thought it was so stupid because there was no like "action" or anything to it. But I guess maby I just have a little bit of a soft spot for real life situations. It's a movie I could really relate too, although I was never ina gang, or had somone close to me die froma drive by shooting. I have however gone through hard times, done wrong paths and even though we don't realize it, Life today is a war. It's a war to fit in, to be sucessful, or even just to be happy.
In the movie, the kids depend on this english class as their family. They feel safe in it, and feel that the only good things in their lives, are caused by their teacher. That is exactly like me, however it isn't my english class I depend on, its Camp. I have had this dependance on Camp since I was seven. A dependance that, if I don't have camp, I have nothing. Camp is what saves me from myself. When im not happy with who I am, once or twice a summer, it gives me a little bit of asurence and hope that things could and will someday be different. But someday, I will have to go on in life, and I won't have camp there to put me back together when i break and fall to peices. Just like, when these kids graduate, they won't have their english class to protect them.
This is kind of off topic, but I was watching the specail feautures, and it said how you can tell so much about someone, just by looking at their eyes. It is very true that you can outline a persons whole life story just by their eyes and faceial expressions. Someone at camp once told me, that she could see right through me, just by my eyes. And its strange because she really could, she was telling me things about my life left and right before I even got the chance to.
Anyways, school is slowly coming to an end(thank god)..and summer is deffinitly on it's way judging by the beautiful weather we have been having. Another summer means, another year of camp, and now with each week I wonder if it is my last, especaily this year. It could be the end of the road less traveled.
In the movie, the kids depend on this english class as their family. They feel safe in it, and feel that the only good things in their lives, are caused by their teacher. That is exactly like me, however it isn't my english class I depend on, its Camp. I have had this dependance on Camp since I was seven. A dependance that, if I don't have camp, I have nothing. Camp is what saves me from myself. When im not happy with who I am, once or twice a summer, it gives me a little bit of asurence and hope that things could and will someday be different. But someday, I will have to go on in life, and I won't have camp there to put me back together when i break and fall to peices. Just like, when these kids graduate, they won't have their english class to protect them.
This is kind of off topic, but I was watching the specail feautures, and it said how you can tell so much about someone, just by looking at their eyes. It is very true that you can outline a persons whole life story just by their eyes and faceial expressions. Someone at camp once told me, that she could see right through me, just by my eyes. And its strange because she really could, she was telling me things about my life left and right before I even got the chance to.
Anyways, school is slowly coming to an end(thank god)..and summer is deffinitly on it's way judging by the beautiful weather we have been having. Another summer means, another year of camp, and now with each week I wonder if it is my last, especaily this year. It could be the end of the road less traveled.
Monday, April 09, 2007
A bunch of Crap.
Yeah, so. The month of April..yay? No, umm... im very, well? Nothing.
Im extremly happy exams are over though. I managed to pass all 5. Unfortunatly, my marks were 60, 65, 73, 85 & 90. Sure the last 2 are alright, but the first 3 suck. For some reason I just don't like to study for midterms. There just so pointless and stupid.
Anywho, So lifes been...different. Last weekend I went to church for the first time this year. Martha brought me to the vinyard er something. It was kinda akward, I just felt out of place. Just because like, I dunno, I didn't really feel like I should of been there. With all these people who came to worship christ, singing with the hands raised. And me just standing there with my hands in my pockets, wondering how I got here. I was wondering how I ever got to this place in my life where I am at right now. This constant battle agaisnt everything I ever knew or was. A battle agaisnt myself. Everyday I wake up, and its the same old thing, same old people saying the same old things. How did I get to this place where my best just isnt good enough anymore. Where "all I can be", isn't anything at all. Confusion, frustration, and wonder, is pretty well all my life has been the past year. Im trying so hard, but I really start to wonder if everything I have been feeling, is worth it. If it is worth all the hurt, sadness, and doubt. I remember a time when I was happy and laughed about everything, and cared about nothing at all. Those memories start to fade the deeper I get into this year. I know noone said it's sapose to be easy, but sometimes it makes me wonder if it is really even worth it. Why do so many people choose to take the fun/easy way out? How do we even know for sure, if the fight i am fighting, is even going to amount to something someday? We really don't. Am I just trusting what some people say and think? Well, what about the others? They don't seem to mind.
I dunno, I just like. I figured by now it would get a little easier and I notice myself just getting worse. I just really wish God would help me right now. I am at the point where I don't think I can handle anything else. And for all you people who are saying "God said he wouldn't give us more then we could handle" well I have news for you, the one thing I did learn at church last week is, HE CAN. Like frig, I even went back to church later that night with my friend, because for some reason I felt like we both needed to be there. Like I never learnt what I was sapose to, or I needed to hear it twice? Although both churches were very different and different denominations, I really don't think I got much out of any, because I was too busy standing there, wondering, how I got to this place. Then, yesterday I went back to the catholic church caz it being Easter and all, and I'll tell you I actuly got something out of it. The preist kept repeating something like, people who go to church when ever they "feel" like it, but really believe their christians, are better off not going at all, and not believeing anything. Because if you truely were a follower of christ, you would know that 2 hours of your time on sunday, is nothing compared to the pain and suffering Jesus went through. Well, If all this time I was putting myself through all of this, and not going to church. I guess it was a waist of time, because it ment nothing.
K I dunno, im sorry for all that. I just had a major break down. I guess im just building up with stress and anxiety about trying so hard not to fall, that im falling 10 times as hard when I feel as if I can't take it anymore. I am really in some desperate need of God. Like, you don't even know. This summer really can't come fast enough.
Im extremly happy exams are over though. I managed to pass all 5. Unfortunatly, my marks were 60, 65, 73, 85 & 90. Sure the last 2 are alright, but the first 3 suck. For some reason I just don't like to study for midterms. There just so pointless and stupid.
Anywho, So lifes been...different. Last weekend I went to church for the first time this year. Martha brought me to the vinyard er something. It was kinda akward, I just felt out of place. Just because like, I dunno, I didn't really feel like I should of been there. With all these people who came to worship christ, singing with the hands raised. And me just standing there with my hands in my pockets, wondering how I got here. I was wondering how I ever got to this place in my life where I am at right now. This constant battle agaisnt everything I ever knew or was. A battle agaisnt myself. Everyday I wake up, and its the same old thing, same old people saying the same old things. How did I get to this place where my best just isnt good enough anymore. Where "all I can be", isn't anything at all. Confusion, frustration, and wonder, is pretty well all my life has been the past year. Im trying so hard, but I really start to wonder if everything I have been feeling, is worth it. If it is worth all the hurt, sadness, and doubt. I remember a time when I was happy and laughed about everything, and cared about nothing at all. Those memories start to fade the deeper I get into this year. I know noone said it's sapose to be easy, but sometimes it makes me wonder if it is really even worth it. Why do so many people choose to take the fun/easy way out? How do we even know for sure, if the fight i am fighting, is even going to amount to something someday? We really don't. Am I just trusting what some people say and think? Well, what about the others? They don't seem to mind.
I dunno, I just like. I figured by now it would get a little easier and I notice myself just getting worse. I just really wish God would help me right now. I am at the point where I don't think I can handle anything else. And for all you people who are saying "God said he wouldn't give us more then we could handle" well I have news for you, the one thing I did learn at church last week is, HE CAN. Like frig, I even went back to church later that night with my friend, because for some reason I felt like we both needed to be there. Like I never learnt what I was sapose to, or I needed to hear it twice? Although both churches were very different and different denominations, I really don't think I got much out of any, because I was too busy standing there, wondering, how I got to this place. Then, yesterday I went back to the catholic church caz it being Easter and all, and I'll tell you I actuly got something out of it. The preist kept repeating something like, people who go to church when ever they "feel" like it, but really believe their christians, are better off not going at all, and not believeing anything. Because if you truely were a follower of christ, you would know that 2 hours of your time on sunday, is nothing compared to the pain and suffering Jesus went through. Well, If all this time I was putting myself through all of this, and not going to church. I guess it was a waist of time, because it ment nothing.
K I dunno, im sorry for all that. I just had a major break down. I guess im just building up with stress and anxiety about trying so hard not to fall, that im falling 10 times as hard when I feel as if I can't take it anymore. I am really in some desperate need of God. Like, you don't even know. This summer really can't come fast enough.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Midterms.
Midterms.. don't you JUST hate that time of year?
I sure do! I have a physics exam tomorrow that I spent approx. 25 minutes studien for tonight. Nor, have I even started studien for any of my other, or started my english essay due on friday. What a night I am going to have tomorrow after guitar. Frig, school is so, ahh! I really am sick of it, I have had enough of high school. Pointless courses you'll never need? Like really, all they do is cause more stress. Physics, Accounting, English, Math & Sociology..all part of my everyday school life, day after day...after day! It never ends! Jeez, oh well, I just can not wait until June when school is over. Oh but WAIT! More exams? I think so!
Anyways, I have alot on my mind lately. Important desicions to make within the next couple weeks that could very much alter my life from the way it is today. It has also been brought to my attention that, maby I don't want to LIT at camp this sumer. Maby I feel the need that I have to, because applications have been out for weeks now, and I have yet to even care about filling one out. Aswell as TEC. I stil have yet to send in my application for that as well, so I probly won't even get in now. But oh well, I dunno. Maby im just growing up, maby im just in a bad mood? I really don't know. I mean like, im fine and dandy until I start thinking about these 2 topics (as well as a few others), and then I just get all, "ugh" about it.
I sure do! I have a physics exam tomorrow that I spent approx. 25 minutes studien for tonight. Nor, have I even started studien for any of my other, or started my english essay due on friday. What a night I am going to have tomorrow after guitar. Frig, school is so, ahh! I really am sick of it, I have had enough of high school. Pointless courses you'll never need? Like really, all they do is cause more stress. Physics, Accounting, English, Math & Sociology..all part of my everyday school life, day after day...after day! It never ends! Jeez, oh well, I just can not wait until June when school is over. Oh but WAIT! More exams? I think so!
Anyways, I have alot on my mind lately. Important desicions to make within the next couple weeks that could very much alter my life from the way it is today. It has also been brought to my attention that, maby I don't want to LIT at camp this sumer. Maby I feel the need that I have to, because applications have been out for weeks now, and I have yet to even care about filling one out. Aswell as TEC. I stil have yet to send in my application for that as well, so I probly won't even get in now. But oh well, I dunno. Maby im just growing up, maby im just in a bad mood? I really don't know. I mean like, im fine and dandy until I start thinking about these 2 topics (as well as a few others), and then I just get all, "ugh" about it.
Monday, March 19, 2007
I can't fake it anymore.
I'm at a loss for words; there's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what lead me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold
Where did the passion go?
When all my efforts seem like chasing the wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm alone to the core
I can't fake it anymore - part of Nicole Sponberg's song.
So last night I was just standing in my room looking in the mirrior, and all of a sudden I just broke down and started to cry. I have no idea why, like there was no aparent reason for this. This over whelming feeling just came over me; like I had finaly had enough. Like I finaly realized my efforts seemed like chasing the wind. They were just never gonna happen. And I can't fake that im okay anymore. Its just to much for me. I got into something that im too weak to handle. I thought I could do it, and iv gotten this far, but I feel like shit. My body can not take it anymore, my mind is going crazy, and im sick of always feeling down and unhappy. This most deffinitly did not turn out like I had planned it to.
Then tonight, I think I just finaly like, drew my last straw. The same feelings came over me again, feelings of regret, discomfort, stress and feeling that I have had enough. I got more then I barganed for, and as much as it kills me to do this, it could slowly kill me to not. And Im sick of keeping this all in pretending like im fine, because iv been far from it for a very long time. It's amazing what a person can do with a smile and a "im fine".
I just, I don't know the part when this was sapose to get easy, and its been a year. And all i do is go through more shit I can't handle, and everything gets harder. I guess I just wasn't cut out for this after all.
I sit in silence wondering what lead me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold
Where did the passion go?
When all my efforts seem like chasing the wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm alone to the core
I can't fake it anymore - part of Nicole Sponberg's song.
So last night I was just standing in my room looking in the mirrior, and all of a sudden I just broke down and started to cry. I have no idea why, like there was no aparent reason for this. This over whelming feeling just came over me; like I had finaly had enough. Like I finaly realized my efforts seemed like chasing the wind. They were just never gonna happen. And I can't fake that im okay anymore. Its just to much for me. I got into something that im too weak to handle. I thought I could do it, and iv gotten this far, but I feel like shit. My body can not take it anymore, my mind is going crazy, and im sick of always feeling down and unhappy. This most deffinitly did not turn out like I had planned it to.
Then tonight, I think I just finaly like, drew my last straw. The same feelings came over me again, feelings of regret, discomfort, stress and feeling that I have had enough. I got more then I barganed for, and as much as it kills me to do this, it could slowly kill me to not. And Im sick of keeping this all in pretending like im fine, because iv been far from it for a very long time. It's amazing what a person can do with a smile and a "im fine".
I just, I don't know the part when this was sapose to get easy, and its been a year. And all i do is go through more shit I can't handle, and everything gets harder. I guess I just wasn't cut out for this after all.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Updates.
Well well well, update on my life? Hm lets see. We had CF today. It was actuly pretty good this week, which it usualy is just stupid. Some gurls got up and talked about "love" and relationships. It was a good talk, they're pretty brave to be honest, lol I dunno if I could of done it. Although Nicole Vair and I are planning a sermon for a couple weeks from now for the class haha. Imagine? That'd be funny if we actuly did it though. But yeah anyways, the discusion made me feel kinda like I was at camp. We even talked about Camp Medley, and TEC for a bit. These kinds of things make me happy. It also just kinda like, made me realize how comfortable these girls are to get up infront of a class and talk about the word of God, something I need to work on. Im just not a very open person, im not shy, But I keep stuff to myself alot. Mostly because I don't trust alot of people and fear getting dissapointed by them. But hopefuly god will bless me with the courage to speak his word infront of the public with no hesitation.
So I had an over all good day, (minus the math physics and sociology tests I had to do). Then, tonight, to my surprize and coincedence, A letter from Camp Medley arrived in the mail!:) Its the regerstration form, although im not going back to be a camper and have no use of the form, it had some info about LIT'ing which got me excited. And just to know that the forms are out, means camp is on it's way! Im so excited. Also I plan on attending TEC this may. So hopefuly everything works out for that. Caz some of my favorite people will be there:) and I really want to see them.
Other then that, I just got back from Florida on Tuesday! I was there for 10 days over the March break. It was awesome. I really enjoyed it. And I got to spend some time with my family which I don't get to do very often. (or choose not to, im not sure lol ) But anyways, it was fun and my parents are planning another trip to go back next year for 2 weeks! I also want to go to Greece on the March break so i'll see how that all works out. But anyways, for now im doin pretty good, the heads still hurtin but i'v lernt to deal with that shittie fact of life. School's going good, family is good, everything is just good. Right now I am just anxiously awaiting my summer to get started. Until then, I will keep you updated.
I realize I don't write in this much anymore, because Facebook has taken over my life. so if your interested in updates and such either add me to it, or if you dont have it, get one! (marie-helene & Martha!)
So I had an over all good day, (minus the math physics and sociology tests I had to do). Then, tonight, to my surprize and coincedence, A letter from Camp Medley arrived in the mail!:) Its the regerstration form, although im not going back to be a camper and have no use of the form, it had some info about LIT'ing which got me excited. And just to know that the forms are out, means camp is on it's way! Im so excited. Also I plan on attending TEC this may. So hopefuly everything works out for that. Caz some of my favorite people will be there:) and I really want to see them.
Other then that, I just got back from Florida on Tuesday! I was there for 10 days over the March break. It was awesome. I really enjoyed it. And I got to spend some time with my family which I don't get to do very often. (or choose not to, im not sure lol ) But anyways, it was fun and my parents are planning another trip to go back next year for 2 weeks! I also want to go to Greece on the March break so i'll see how that all works out. But anyways, for now im doin pretty good, the heads still hurtin but i'v lernt to deal with that shittie fact of life. School's going good, family is good, everything is just good. Right now I am just anxiously awaiting my summer to get started. Until then, I will keep you updated.
I realize I don't write in this much anymore, because Facebook has taken over my life. so if your interested in updates and such either add me to it, or if you dont have it, get one! (marie-helene & Martha!)
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
The wonder of it all..is im living just to fall; more inlove with you.
Hello people,
So today our school religion/CF classes all went to church for Ash Wednesday. I wasn't planning on going, nor did I want to, but Felicia dragged me on the bus to go lol, So I went. When I got there I started feeling guilty because I hadn't been to church since Christmas. Right away I new the reason I had to be dragged into the church in the first place was being I knew that I talk up being a christian and what not, yet I hadn't been to church in almost 2 months. I was feeling bad and guilty for not going. As I walked down the aisle I had this sort of akward feeling, like the need to make everything a big joke so I didn't realize I myself was really embaressed infront of god for haveing to literaly be forced into going. But when I got into the church and sat down in the pew (very tiny I might add), I started to feel more comfortable. It kinda put me at peace for a while, I felt as if I was right where I should be.
It was kinda like the feeling you get, when you use to be close with someone, and after not seeing them in years, you unexspectedly run into them, and you really don't know what to say. Not because you don't want to talk to them, but because the akwardness of getting use to never seeing them, and then randomly running into them, just causes you to be like , "oh wow, this is werid, I haven't seen you in years", then walk away. Or atleast, for me it is anyways. Because that also happened to be like a week ago lol.
So anyways, back to my point, im glad god gave me a friend to give me a little extra push to go today, because just being there for the short time that I was, made me feel different. It gave me the little extra push I needed to remember what god has instore for me, how important god is to me, and how much he wants to me realize that. It made me realize that I need to start thinking more posivtivly, and stop worrying so much. I need to be more relaxed about life, and if I can't have alcohol help me out what that, god's the only solution left. And he's the right solution also lol (hes not just my back up). So I feel a little bit better tonight, hopefuly it lasts.
I believe I should start to get back into the swing of things and christian living once again. So i'll update on that a little later.
So today our school religion/CF classes all went to church for Ash Wednesday. I wasn't planning on going, nor did I want to, but Felicia dragged me on the bus to go lol, So I went. When I got there I started feeling guilty because I hadn't been to church since Christmas. Right away I new the reason I had to be dragged into the church in the first place was being I knew that I talk up being a christian and what not, yet I hadn't been to church in almost 2 months. I was feeling bad and guilty for not going. As I walked down the aisle I had this sort of akward feeling, like the need to make everything a big joke so I didn't realize I myself was really embaressed infront of god for haveing to literaly be forced into going. But when I got into the church and sat down in the pew (very tiny I might add), I started to feel more comfortable. It kinda put me at peace for a while, I felt as if I was right where I should be.
It was kinda like the feeling you get, when you use to be close with someone, and after not seeing them in years, you unexspectedly run into them, and you really don't know what to say. Not because you don't want to talk to them, but because the akwardness of getting use to never seeing them, and then randomly running into them, just causes you to be like , "oh wow, this is werid, I haven't seen you in years", then walk away. Or atleast, for me it is anyways. Because that also happened to be like a week ago lol.
So anyways, back to my point, im glad god gave me a friend to give me a little extra push to go today, because just being there for the short time that I was, made me feel different. It gave me the little extra push I needed to remember what god has instore for me, how important god is to me, and how much he wants to me realize that. It made me realize that I need to start thinking more posivtivly, and stop worrying so much. I need to be more relaxed about life, and if I can't have alcohol help me out what that, god's the only solution left. And he's the right solution also lol (hes not just my back up). So I feel a little bit better tonight, hopefuly it lasts.
I believe I should start to get back into the swing of things and christian living once again. So i'll update on that a little later.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
You don't know what it's like -Econoline Crush.
did you give up?
did it get easier?
did all those things you wanted come together in the end?
did you ever really notice how i never really cared?
she smiled and looked at me and said;
you don't know what it's like
i feel like nothing at all
you don't know what it's like
did you forget?
did you believe in it?
did all those things i promised come up empty in the end?
any regrets?
any dreams you miss?
comfort comes with patienceserenity
he smiled and looked at me and said
you don't know what it's like
i feel like nothing at all
you don't know what it's like
i feel insignificant
i feel nothing at all
i feel insignificant
did you give up?
did it get easier?
every little word lingered
slipped and fell
you dont know what its like
i feel like nothing at all
you dont know what its like
i feel like nothing at alli feel like nothing at all
i feel like nothing
cause u dont no what its like
did it get easier?
did all those things you wanted come together in the end?
did you ever really notice how i never really cared?
she smiled and looked at me and said;
you don't know what it's like
i feel like nothing at all
you don't know what it's like
did you forget?
did you believe in it?
did all those things i promised come up empty in the end?
any regrets?
any dreams you miss?
comfort comes with patienceserenity
he smiled and looked at me and said
you don't know what it's like
i feel like nothing at all
you don't know what it's like
i feel insignificant
i feel nothing at all
i feel insignificant
did you give up?
did it get easier?
every little word lingered
slipped and fell
you dont know what its like
i feel like nothing at all
you dont know what its like
i feel like nothing at alli feel like nothing at all
i feel like nothing
cause u dont no what its like
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Hmm..
I don't exactly have a topic to write about at the present time, but im really bored and not wanting to go to sleep. So i'll see what I come up with.
Anyways, today, being Sunday and everything, I didn't do much. I slept until one (which is half the reason im up right now) and sat around, read like 40 pages out of my sociology text (for something to do) and played my guitar for several hours. Now, the only thing i'v taught myself so far on the guitar is christian songs (mostly from Camp), so that forces me to listen to and sing along with christian music. Which is good because it gives me a break from all the rap I listen to. Which lets face it, as much as I love it, its not exactly healthy, and produces negative energy. So anyways, when I got sick of guitar, I put my music on "continuous play", and went and layed on my bed in the dark while it played. I was just thinking about stuff, life, other people, stuff like that. And it really kind of made me sad. I don't know why, but im perfectly fine and dandy, until I actuly start to anylize mylife and everything/one around me. Is it because im not happy with myself? Because when I don't think about it im fine, it's when I do, and start realizing my faults and failures when I start to care. I dunno, I think im just to hard on myself. But like I stated in my previous post, you can beat yourself up until you bleed.. but im not quite sure it gets any eaiser.
Jeeez.. I miss way to many people right now.
And need a vacation way to much.
Anyways, today, being Sunday and everything, I didn't do much. I slept until one (which is half the reason im up right now) and sat around, read like 40 pages out of my sociology text (for something to do) and played my guitar for several hours. Now, the only thing i'v taught myself so far on the guitar is christian songs (mostly from Camp), so that forces me to listen to and sing along with christian music. Which is good because it gives me a break from all the rap I listen to. Which lets face it, as much as I love it, its not exactly healthy, and produces negative energy. So anyways, when I got sick of guitar, I put my music on "continuous play", and went and layed on my bed in the dark while it played. I was just thinking about stuff, life, other people, stuff like that. And it really kind of made me sad. I don't know why, but im perfectly fine and dandy, until I actuly start to anylize mylife and everything/one around me. Is it because im not happy with myself? Because when I don't think about it im fine, it's when I do, and start realizing my faults and failures when I start to care. I dunno, I think im just to hard on myself. But like I stated in my previous post, you can beat yourself up until you bleed.. but im not quite sure it gets any eaiser.
Jeeez.. I miss way to many people right now.
And need a vacation way to much.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Missing Camp Medley Much?
Anyways, I know I wrote a post not to long ago. But it was really pointless. I was just bored n thought what the hell. Man I wish I had topics and reasons for writing something good. Like I use to be able to right huge things on stuff that were actuly worth reading. Now I can't.
But yeah, so I know im not as "religious" so to speak as I was when I first started this blog, but This may contain something to do with that subject. I guess, like, I still love god and everything, im just not as like, open and willing to talk about it as I use to. It's just not like my biggest priority these days. I don't know, like i'd love it to be, but it just isn't. Im more concerned about school, and socializing. I quit church a while ago too, so that doesn't help. I just have nothign to get me fired up and excited about it. Thats why I have been counting down the days until Camp Medley Opens. You don't even understand, how much that place means to me. It's like, the one thing in life that keeps me standing. It's the only thing I have looked forward to since It ended in August. Every year for the past 10 years, that is all I look forward too. Theres no better feeling then waking up that sunday morning, knowing your going to camp in a couple of hours. But then, theres also no worse feeling, going to bed that Friday night, knowing it's your last night at camp. Until yet another year. The week goes by so fast, and when it comes to an end, it's like, you've ran this huge race, thinking that at the end of the finish line, this huge prize & tones of cheering people await you...but when you'v crossed it, and everything feels perfect, knowones there, and It's just empty & silent, waiting for you to start running again. The race never really ends, just like, camp never really completes your expectations. It truely isn't long enough to get what you need to out of it. Because, when it's the one thing you look forward to, and the one thing that really makes you feel connected with god, a week just isn't enough to insure that experience and feeling, last a whole year after your gone. It's been 5 months since I'v been at camp. And Im telling you I don't think a day has gone by when I haven't thought about it. I wish I was there so bad, because im slowly falling apart on the inside eachday. See, with me, I hide it very well, it's not easy to tell if im unhappy (unless im pissed). Im slowly falling apart eachday and eachday im realizing I can't do this anymore. I don't know how to, im really not strong enough for this. I thought I was, but turns out, the more and more I try, and the more time that passes, the more im starting to figure out who I am, and how weak Iv been all along.
You can try so hard to be strong, hard enough that you bleed, that you bruise, and that you break and feel no pain. You can beat yourself up over every little thing, to prepare yourself for the cruel world when it picks you apart, peice by peice. But honestly, from experience, Knowone or anything, can prepare you for the shit you are going to go through in life trying to find jesus and trying to live your life for him. You are going to fall and bleed, and feel broken. Your going to feel more pain then you'v ever imagined, your going to feel so much frustration and confusment, that you will have questions to every answer, because it's just not good enough. Your fighting to survive, but somehow, through all of that, through all of the crap people will say, through all of the shame you will feel towards yourself for your actions, through the brokeness you will feel when it seems like jesus has left you (even though he's just seeing how strong you are on your own), somehow, I believe it will all be worth it in the end. It's not promised to be an easy way out, it's not promised to be the "fun" way through life, or the uncomplicated. But it is promised to be the most rewarding. I have to keep telling myself this everyday, because If I don't, someday, I will give up on myself. Someday I will become everything iv been fighting for not to become. Someday this fight the past 9 months would be worthless, and a total waist of time. I can't let that happen. I'v never been this confused and messed up in all my life, But I wouldn't trade it for the world. Because, i'v also never wanted something or been so certain of something so much in my life then I am right now.
But yeah, so I know im not as "religious" so to speak as I was when I first started this blog, but This may contain something to do with that subject. I guess, like, I still love god and everything, im just not as like, open and willing to talk about it as I use to. It's just not like my biggest priority these days. I don't know, like i'd love it to be, but it just isn't. Im more concerned about school, and socializing. I quit church a while ago too, so that doesn't help. I just have nothign to get me fired up and excited about it. Thats why I have been counting down the days until Camp Medley Opens. You don't even understand, how much that place means to me. It's like, the one thing in life that keeps me standing. It's the only thing I have looked forward to since It ended in August. Every year for the past 10 years, that is all I look forward too. Theres no better feeling then waking up that sunday morning, knowing your going to camp in a couple of hours. But then, theres also no worse feeling, going to bed that Friday night, knowing it's your last night at camp. Until yet another year. The week goes by so fast, and when it comes to an end, it's like, you've ran this huge race, thinking that at the end of the finish line, this huge prize & tones of cheering people await you...but when you'v crossed it, and everything feels perfect, knowones there, and It's just empty & silent, waiting for you to start running again. The race never really ends, just like, camp never really completes your expectations. It truely isn't long enough to get what you need to out of it. Because, when it's the one thing you look forward to, and the one thing that really makes you feel connected with god, a week just isn't enough to insure that experience and feeling, last a whole year after your gone. It's been 5 months since I'v been at camp. And Im telling you I don't think a day has gone by when I haven't thought about it. I wish I was there so bad, because im slowly falling apart on the inside eachday. See, with me, I hide it very well, it's not easy to tell if im unhappy (unless im pissed). Im slowly falling apart eachday and eachday im realizing I can't do this anymore. I don't know how to, im really not strong enough for this. I thought I was, but turns out, the more and more I try, and the more time that passes, the more im starting to figure out who I am, and how weak Iv been all along.
You can try so hard to be strong, hard enough that you bleed, that you bruise, and that you break and feel no pain. You can beat yourself up over every little thing, to prepare yourself for the cruel world when it picks you apart, peice by peice. But honestly, from experience, Knowone or anything, can prepare you for the shit you are going to go through in life trying to find jesus and trying to live your life for him. You are going to fall and bleed, and feel broken. Your going to feel more pain then you'v ever imagined, your going to feel so much frustration and confusment, that you will have questions to every answer, because it's just not good enough. Your fighting to survive, but somehow, through all of that, through all of the crap people will say, through all of the shame you will feel towards yourself for your actions, through the brokeness you will feel when it seems like jesus has left you (even though he's just seeing how strong you are on your own), somehow, I believe it will all be worth it in the end. It's not promised to be an easy way out, it's not promised to be the "fun" way through life, or the uncomplicated. But it is promised to be the most rewarding. I have to keep telling myself this everyday, because If I don't, someday, I will give up on myself. Someday I will become everything iv been fighting for not to become. Someday this fight the past 9 months would be worthless, and a total waist of time. I can't let that happen. I'v never been this confused and messed up in all my life, But I wouldn't trade it for the world. Because, i'v also never wanted something or been so certain of something so much in my life then I am right now.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Stupid.
So, exams raped me. I was pissed. 87-Math, 83-French, 75-History, 69-Chemistry, 68-English. Bull shit I hate school. I got my report card yesterday, that was interesting. 86-Math, 80-French, 80-History, 77-Chemistry, 71-English. I swear to god english is gonna be the subject that ruins my chances of getting into university. I hate it! Friggg.
The new semester started. It's a good time. I have, Physics, Accounting, English, Math & Sociology. All sweet classes, Cailin and I sit beside eachother in 2 of them. What love that is lol. Then me n whelton sit beside eachother in 2, so thats just hilarious.
Hmm.. enough about school. Im still taking guitar lessons in which I am inlove with. It's the best thing ever!<3.. The rest of my life is good, except im super pissed at my parents right now. I don't see why they try to start stuff with me, caz I always win. Like really though, waist of their life if you ask me. This weekends stupid, I hate SJ! Someday, it will burn once again, and hopefuly nothing will be left of it. Anyways, blogs are so not what they use to be. Im not a huge fan AT ALL.
k peace.
The new semester started. It's a good time. I have, Physics, Accounting, English, Math & Sociology. All sweet classes, Cailin and I sit beside eachother in 2 of them. What love that is lol. Then me n whelton sit beside eachother in 2, so thats just hilarious.
Hmm.. enough about school. Im still taking guitar lessons in which I am inlove with. It's the best thing ever!<3.. The rest of my life is good, except im super pissed at my parents right now. I don't see why they try to start stuff with me, caz I always win. Like really though, waist of their life if you ask me. This weekends stupid, I hate SJ! Someday, it will burn once again, and hopefuly nothing will be left of it. Anyways, blogs are so not what they use to be. Im not a huge fan AT ALL.
k peace.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Exams.
Exams already? Jeez, Grade 11 is flying by. Im pumped though, I can't wait to get out of highschool. For all those people who think high school is the best times of there lives and all this crap, are so totaly wrong. High school is so stupid. I mean, its a good time and all, but the gosip, trouble, immaturity and all that gay stuff is soo stupid. I just don't see how people miss that?
Last night while I was lying in bed, I realized how fast the last few years have flown by, and how I only have a year and a half more of being a kid. I also got to thinking of how, you can never get back yesterday. Everyday that has passed by so quickly over the last 4 years I can never get back. And I realize that im sitting here wishing my life away waiting to be done highschool, get a job and start a family, only leading up to someday dieing. Life is a strange place. It's true when they say, "your living to die, and dieing to live".
Anyways, yeah so exams. Im totaly screwed. I have spent everyday at school the past week till 5:30-6:00. AND I even went in on SATERDAY afternoon for 3 hours! (probly the first person EVER to do that). I can't study at home caz I have ADD. But the only other problem is, I know how to do everything when its infront of me, but I forget it all when exams come. I have french tomorrow, totaly bullshittin through that, hopefuly an 80 would be nice. Then I have History(death) I won't even get like a 70 on that. Then Math, aiming once again for a 90, maby 92. And English is gonna rape me lol, and chemistry, 85 hopefuly.
Last night while I was lying in bed, I realized how fast the last few years have flown by, and how I only have a year and a half more of being a kid. I also got to thinking of how, you can never get back yesterday. Everyday that has passed by so quickly over the last 4 years I can never get back. And I realize that im sitting here wishing my life away waiting to be done highschool, get a job and start a family, only leading up to someday dieing. Life is a strange place. It's true when they say, "your living to die, and dieing to live".
Anyways, yeah so exams. Im totaly screwed. I have spent everyday at school the past week till 5:30-6:00. AND I even went in on SATERDAY afternoon for 3 hours! (probly the first person EVER to do that). I can't study at home caz I have ADD. But the only other problem is, I know how to do everything when its infront of me, but I forget it all when exams come. I have french tomorrow, totaly bullshittin through that, hopefuly an 80 would be nice. Then I have History(death) I won't even get like a 70 on that. Then Math, aiming once again for a 90, maby 92. And English is gonna rape me lol, and chemistry, 85 hopefuly.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Just My Life.
So.. about life? Its 12:57am right now and im super bored. Exams are in a week. How exciting... but we get 5 days off in a row when there finished which is pretty sweet I must say. My marks are kinda gay right now. Some went up and some droped. So I pretty well need like 90's on these exams, which is gay. But what ev. Library to study here I come.
Anyways, this weekend was a good time. Life is good. Except one minor area. But what ever. Anyways, this got boring really fast caz I have nothing to say. But I got sick of facebook so I decided to write on this lol.
Anyways, this weekend was a good time. Life is good. Except one minor area. But what ever. Anyways, this got boring really fast caz I have nothing to say. But I got sick of facebook so I decided to write on this lol.
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