I can't fake it anymore.

I'm at a loss for words; there's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what lead me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold
Where did the passion go?

When all my efforts seem like chasing the wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm alone to the core
I can't fake it anymore - part of Nicole Sponberg's song.


So last night I was just standing in my room looking in the mirrior, and all of a sudden I just broke down and started to cry. I have no idea why, like there was no aparent reason for this. This over whelming feeling just came over me; like I had finaly had enough. Like I finaly realized my efforts seemed like chasing the wind. They were just never gonna happen. And I can't fake that im okay anymore. Its just to much for me. I got into something that im too weak to handle. I thought I could do it, and iv gotten this far, but I feel like shit. My body can not take it anymore, my mind is going crazy, and im sick of always feeling down and unhappy. This most deffinitly did not turn out like I had planned it to.

Then tonight, I think I just finaly like, drew my last straw. The same feelings came over me again, feelings of regret, discomfort, stress and feeling that I have had enough. I got more then I barganed for, and as much as it kills me to do this, it could slowly kill me to not. And Im sick of keeping this all in pretending like im fine, because iv been far from it for a very long time. It's amazing what a person can do with a smile and a "im fine".

I just, I don't know the part when this was sapose to get easy, and its been a year. And all i do is go through more shit I can't handle, and everything gets harder. I guess I just wasn't cut out for this after all.