Hello people,
So today our school religion/CF classes all went to church for Ash Wednesday. I wasn't planning on going, nor did I want to, but Felicia dragged me on the bus to go lol, So I went. When I got there I started feeling guilty because I hadn't been to church since Christmas. Right away I new the reason I had to be dragged into the church in the first place was being I knew that I talk up being a christian and what not, yet I hadn't been to church in almost 2 months. I was feeling bad and guilty for not going. As I walked down the aisle I had this sort of akward feeling, like the need to make everything a big joke so I didn't realize I myself was really embaressed infront of god for haveing to literaly be forced into going. But when I got into the church and sat down in the pew (very tiny I might add), I started to feel more comfortable. It kinda put me at peace for a while, I felt as if I was right where I should be.
It was kinda like the feeling you get, when you use to be close with someone, and after not seeing them in years, you unexspectedly run into them, and you really don't know what to say. Not because you don't want to talk to them, but because the akwardness of getting use to never seeing them, and then randomly running into them, just causes you to be like , "oh wow, this is werid, I haven't seen you in years", then walk away. Or atleast, for me it is anyways. Because that also happened to be like a week ago lol.
So anyways, back to my point, im glad god gave me a friend to give me a little extra push to go today, because just being there for the short time that I was, made me feel different. It gave me the little extra push I needed to remember what god has instore for me, how important god is to me, and how much he wants to me realize that. It made me realize that I need to start thinking more posivtivly, and stop worrying so much. I need to be more relaxed about life, and if I can't have alcohol help me out what that, god's the only solution left. And he's the right solution also lol (hes not just my back up). So I feel a little bit better tonight, hopefuly it lasts.
I believe I should start to get back into the swing of things and christian living once again. So i'll update on that a little later.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
You don't know what it's like -Econoline Crush.
did you give up?
did it get easier?
did all those things you wanted come together in the end?
did you ever really notice how i never really cared?
she smiled and looked at me and said;
you don't know what it's like
i feel like nothing at all
you don't know what it's like
did you forget?
did you believe in it?
did all those things i promised come up empty in the end?
any regrets?
any dreams you miss?
comfort comes with patienceserenity
he smiled and looked at me and said
you don't know what it's like
i feel like nothing at all
you don't know what it's like
i feel insignificant
i feel nothing at all
i feel insignificant
did you give up?
did it get easier?
every little word lingered
slipped and fell
you dont know what its like
i feel like nothing at all
you dont know what its like
i feel like nothing at alli feel like nothing at all
i feel like nothing
cause u dont no what its like
did it get easier?
did all those things you wanted come together in the end?
did you ever really notice how i never really cared?
she smiled and looked at me and said;
you don't know what it's like
i feel like nothing at all
you don't know what it's like
did you forget?
did you believe in it?
did all those things i promised come up empty in the end?
any regrets?
any dreams you miss?
comfort comes with patienceserenity
he smiled and looked at me and said
you don't know what it's like
i feel like nothing at all
you don't know what it's like
i feel insignificant
i feel nothing at all
i feel insignificant
did you give up?
did it get easier?
every little word lingered
slipped and fell
you dont know what its like
i feel like nothing at all
you dont know what its like
i feel like nothing at alli feel like nothing at all
i feel like nothing
cause u dont no what its like
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Hmm..
I don't exactly have a topic to write about at the present time, but im really bored and not wanting to go to sleep. So i'll see what I come up with.
Anyways, today, being Sunday and everything, I didn't do much. I slept until one (which is half the reason im up right now) and sat around, read like 40 pages out of my sociology text (for something to do) and played my guitar for several hours. Now, the only thing i'v taught myself so far on the guitar is christian songs (mostly from Camp), so that forces me to listen to and sing along with christian music. Which is good because it gives me a break from all the rap I listen to. Which lets face it, as much as I love it, its not exactly healthy, and produces negative energy. So anyways, when I got sick of guitar, I put my music on "continuous play", and went and layed on my bed in the dark while it played. I was just thinking about stuff, life, other people, stuff like that. And it really kind of made me sad. I don't know why, but im perfectly fine and dandy, until I actuly start to anylize mylife and everything/one around me. Is it because im not happy with myself? Because when I don't think about it im fine, it's when I do, and start realizing my faults and failures when I start to care. I dunno, I think im just to hard on myself. But like I stated in my previous post, you can beat yourself up until you bleed.. but im not quite sure it gets any eaiser.
Jeeez.. I miss way to many people right now.
And need a vacation way to much.
Anyways, today, being Sunday and everything, I didn't do much. I slept until one (which is half the reason im up right now) and sat around, read like 40 pages out of my sociology text (for something to do) and played my guitar for several hours. Now, the only thing i'v taught myself so far on the guitar is christian songs (mostly from Camp), so that forces me to listen to and sing along with christian music. Which is good because it gives me a break from all the rap I listen to. Which lets face it, as much as I love it, its not exactly healthy, and produces negative energy. So anyways, when I got sick of guitar, I put my music on "continuous play", and went and layed on my bed in the dark while it played. I was just thinking about stuff, life, other people, stuff like that. And it really kind of made me sad. I don't know why, but im perfectly fine and dandy, until I actuly start to anylize mylife and everything/one around me. Is it because im not happy with myself? Because when I don't think about it im fine, it's when I do, and start realizing my faults and failures when I start to care. I dunno, I think im just to hard on myself. But like I stated in my previous post, you can beat yourself up until you bleed.. but im not quite sure it gets any eaiser.
Jeeez.. I miss way to many people right now.
And need a vacation way to much.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Missing Camp Medley Much?
Anyways, I know I wrote a post not to long ago. But it was really pointless. I was just bored n thought what the hell. Man I wish I had topics and reasons for writing something good. Like I use to be able to right huge things on stuff that were actuly worth reading. Now I can't.
But yeah, so I know im not as "religious" so to speak as I was when I first started this blog, but This may contain something to do with that subject. I guess, like, I still love god and everything, im just not as like, open and willing to talk about it as I use to. It's just not like my biggest priority these days. I don't know, like i'd love it to be, but it just isn't. Im more concerned about school, and socializing. I quit church a while ago too, so that doesn't help. I just have nothign to get me fired up and excited about it. Thats why I have been counting down the days until Camp Medley Opens. You don't even understand, how much that place means to me. It's like, the one thing in life that keeps me standing. It's the only thing I have looked forward to since It ended in August. Every year for the past 10 years, that is all I look forward too. Theres no better feeling then waking up that sunday morning, knowing your going to camp in a couple of hours. But then, theres also no worse feeling, going to bed that Friday night, knowing it's your last night at camp. Until yet another year. The week goes by so fast, and when it comes to an end, it's like, you've ran this huge race, thinking that at the end of the finish line, this huge prize & tones of cheering people await you...but when you'v crossed it, and everything feels perfect, knowones there, and It's just empty & silent, waiting for you to start running again. The race never really ends, just like, camp never really completes your expectations. It truely isn't long enough to get what you need to out of it. Because, when it's the one thing you look forward to, and the one thing that really makes you feel connected with god, a week just isn't enough to insure that experience and feeling, last a whole year after your gone. It's been 5 months since I'v been at camp. And Im telling you I don't think a day has gone by when I haven't thought about it. I wish I was there so bad, because im slowly falling apart on the inside eachday. See, with me, I hide it very well, it's not easy to tell if im unhappy (unless im pissed). Im slowly falling apart eachday and eachday im realizing I can't do this anymore. I don't know how to, im really not strong enough for this. I thought I was, but turns out, the more and more I try, and the more time that passes, the more im starting to figure out who I am, and how weak Iv been all along.
You can try so hard to be strong, hard enough that you bleed, that you bruise, and that you break and feel no pain. You can beat yourself up over every little thing, to prepare yourself for the cruel world when it picks you apart, peice by peice. But honestly, from experience, Knowone or anything, can prepare you for the shit you are going to go through in life trying to find jesus and trying to live your life for him. You are going to fall and bleed, and feel broken. Your going to feel more pain then you'v ever imagined, your going to feel so much frustration and confusment, that you will have questions to every answer, because it's just not good enough. Your fighting to survive, but somehow, through all of that, through all of the crap people will say, through all of the shame you will feel towards yourself for your actions, through the brokeness you will feel when it seems like jesus has left you (even though he's just seeing how strong you are on your own), somehow, I believe it will all be worth it in the end. It's not promised to be an easy way out, it's not promised to be the "fun" way through life, or the uncomplicated. But it is promised to be the most rewarding. I have to keep telling myself this everyday, because If I don't, someday, I will give up on myself. Someday I will become everything iv been fighting for not to become. Someday this fight the past 9 months would be worthless, and a total waist of time. I can't let that happen. I'v never been this confused and messed up in all my life, But I wouldn't trade it for the world. Because, i'v also never wanted something or been so certain of something so much in my life then I am right now.
But yeah, so I know im not as "religious" so to speak as I was when I first started this blog, but This may contain something to do with that subject. I guess, like, I still love god and everything, im just not as like, open and willing to talk about it as I use to. It's just not like my biggest priority these days. I don't know, like i'd love it to be, but it just isn't. Im more concerned about school, and socializing. I quit church a while ago too, so that doesn't help. I just have nothign to get me fired up and excited about it. Thats why I have been counting down the days until Camp Medley Opens. You don't even understand, how much that place means to me. It's like, the one thing in life that keeps me standing. It's the only thing I have looked forward to since It ended in August. Every year for the past 10 years, that is all I look forward too. Theres no better feeling then waking up that sunday morning, knowing your going to camp in a couple of hours. But then, theres also no worse feeling, going to bed that Friday night, knowing it's your last night at camp. Until yet another year. The week goes by so fast, and when it comes to an end, it's like, you've ran this huge race, thinking that at the end of the finish line, this huge prize & tones of cheering people await you...but when you'v crossed it, and everything feels perfect, knowones there, and It's just empty & silent, waiting for you to start running again. The race never really ends, just like, camp never really completes your expectations. It truely isn't long enough to get what you need to out of it. Because, when it's the one thing you look forward to, and the one thing that really makes you feel connected with god, a week just isn't enough to insure that experience and feeling, last a whole year after your gone. It's been 5 months since I'v been at camp. And Im telling you I don't think a day has gone by when I haven't thought about it. I wish I was there so bad, because im slowly falling apart on the inside eachday. See, with me, I hide it very well, it's not easy to tell if im unhappy (unless im pissed). Im slowly falling apart eachday and eachday im realizing I can't do this anymore. I don't know how to, im really not strong enough for this. I thought I was, but turns out, the more and more I try, and the more time that passes, the more im starting to figure out who I am, and how weak Iv been all along.
You can try so hard to be strong, hard enough that you bleed, that you bruise, and that you break and feel no pain. You can beat yourself up over every little thing, to prepare yourself for the cruel world when it picks you apart, peice by peice. But honestly, from experience, Knowone or anything, can prepare you for the shit you are going to go through in life trying to find jesus and trying to live your life for him. You are going to fall and bleed, and feel broken. Your going to feel more pain then you'v ever imagined, your going to feel so much frustration and confusment, that you will have questions to every answer, because it's just not good enough. Your fighting to survive, but somehow, through all of that, through all of the crap people will say, through all of the shame you will feel towards yourself for your actions, through the brokeness you will feel when it seems like jesus has left you (even though he's just seeing how strong you are on your own), somehow, I believe it will all be worth it in the end. It's not promised to be an easy way out, it's not promised to be the "fun" way through life, or the uncomplicated. But it is promised to be the most rewarding. I have to keep telling myself this everyday, because If I don't, someday, I will give up on myself. Someday I will become everything iv been fighting for not to become. Someday this fight the past 9 months would be worthless, and a total waist of time. I can't let that happen. I'v never been this confused and messed up in all my life, But I wouldn't trade it for the world. Because, i'v also never wanted something or been so certain of something so much in my life then I am right now.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Stupid.
So, exams raped me. I was pissed. 87-Math, 83-French, 75-History, 69-Chemistry, 68-English. Bull shit I hate school. I got my report card yesterday, that was interesting. 86-Math, 80-French, 80-History, 77-Chemistry, 71-English. I swear to god english is gonna be the subject that ruins my chances of getting into university. I hate it! Friggg.
The new semester started. It's a good time. I have, Physics, Accounting, English, Math & Sociology. All sweet classes, Cailin and I sit beside eachother in 2 of them. What love that is lol. Then me n whelton sit beside eachother in 2, so thats just hilarious.
Hmm.. enough about school. Im still taking guitar lessons in which I am inlove with. It's the best thing ever!<3.. The rest of my life is good, except im super pissed at my parents right now. I don't see why they try to start stuff with me, caz I always win. Like really though, waist of their life if you ask me. This weekends stupid, I hate SJ! Someday, it will burn once again, and hopefuly nothing will be left of it. Anyways, blogs are so not what they use to be. Im not a huge fan AT ALL.
k peace.
The new semester started. It's a good time. I have, Physics, Accounting, English, Math & Sociology. All sweet classes, Cailin and I sit beside eachother in 2 of them. What love that is lol. Then me n whelton sit beside eachother in 2, so thats just hilarious.
Hmm.. enough about school. Im still taking guitar lessons in which I am inlove with. It's the best thing ever!<3.. The rest of my life is good, except im super pissed at my parents right now. I don't see why they try to start stuff with me, caz I always win. Like really though, waist of their life if you ask me. This weekends stupid, I hate SJ! Someday, it will burn once again, and hopefuly nothing will be left of it. Anyways, blogs are so not what they use to be. Im not a huge fan AT ALL.
k peace.
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