Missing Camp Medley Much?

Anyways, I know I wrote a post not to long ago. But it was really pointless. I was just bored n thought what the hell. Man I wish I had topics and reasons for writing something good. Like I use to be able to right huge things on stuff that were actuly worth reading. Now I can't.

But yeah, so I know im not as "religious" so to speak as I was when I first started this blog, but This may contain something to do with that subject. I guess, like, I still love god and everything, im just not as like, open and willing to talk about it as I use to. It's just not like my biggest priority these days. I don't know, like i'd love it to be, but it just isn't. Im more concerned about school, and socializing. I quit church a while ago too, so that doesn't help. I just have nothign to get me fired up and excited about it. Thats why I have been counting down the days until Camp Medley Opens. You don't even understand, how much that place means to me. It's like, the one thing in life that keeps me standing. It's the only thing I have looked forward to since It ended in August. Every year for the past 10 years, that is all I look forward too. Theres no better feeling then waking up that sunday morning, knowing your going to camp in a couple of hours. But then, theres also no worse feeling, going to bed that Friday night, knowing it's your last night at camp. Until yet another year. The week goes by so fast, and when it comes to an end, it's like, you've ran this huge race, thinking that at the end of the finish line, this huge prize & tones of cheering people await you...but when you'v crossed it, and everything feels perfect, knowones there, and It's just empty & silent, waiting for you to start running again. The race never really ends, just like, camp never really completes your expectations. It truely isn't long enough to get what you need to out of it. Because, when it's the one thing you look forward to, and the one thing that really makes you feel connected with god, a week just isn't enough to insure that experience and feeling, last a whole year after your gone. It's been 5 months since I'v been at camp. And Im telling you I don't think a day has gone by when I haven't thought about it. I wish I was there so bad, because im slowly falling apart on the inside eachday. See, with me, I hide it very well, it's not easy to tell if im unhappy (unless im pissed). Im slowly falling apart eachday and eachday im realizing I can't do this anymore. I don't know how to, im really not strong enough for this. I thought I was, but turns out, the more and more I try, and the more time that passes, the more im starting to figure out who I am, and how weak Iv been all along.

You can try so hard to be strong, hard enough that you bleed, that you bruise, and that you break and feel no pain. You can beat yourself up over every little thing, to prepare yourself for the cruel world when it picks you apart, peice by peice. But honestly, from experience, Knowone or anything, can prepare you for the shit you are going to go through in life trying to find jesus and trying to live your life for him. You are going to fall and bleed, and feel broken. Your going to feel more pain then you'v ever imagined, your going to feel so much frustration and confusment, that you will have questions to every answer, because it's just not good enough. Your fighting to survive, but somehow, through all of that, through all of the crap people will say, through all of the shame you will feel towards yourself for your actions, through the brokeness you will feel when it seems like jesus has left you (even though he's just seeing how strong you are on your own), somehow, I believe it will all be worth it in the end. It's not promised to be an easy way out, it's not promised to be the "fun" way through life, or the uncomplicated. But it is promised to be the most rewarding. I have to keep telling myself this everyday, because If I don't, someday, I will give up on myself. Someday I will become everything iv been fighting for not to become. Someday this fight the past 9 months would be worthless, and a total waist of time. I can't let that happen. I'v never been this confused and messed up in all my life, But I wouldn't trade it for the world. Because, i'v also never wanted something or been so certain of something so much in my life then I am right now.