Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Midterms.

Midterms.. don't you JUST hate that time of year?

I sure do! I have a physics exam tomorrow that I spent approx. 25 minutes studien for tonight. Nor, have I even started studien for any of my other, or started my english essay due on friday. What a night I am going to have tomorrow after guitar. Frig, school is so, ahh! I really am sick of it, I have had enough of high school. Pointless courses you'll never need? Like really, all they do is cause more stress. Physics, Accounting, English, Math & Sociology..all part of my everyday school life, day after day...after day! It never ends! Jeez, oh well, I just can not wait until June when school is over. Oh but WAIT! More exams? I think so!

Anyways, I have alot on my mind lately. Important desicions to make within the next couple weeks that could very much alter my life from the way it is today. It has also been brought to my attention that, maby I don't want to LIT at camp this sumer. Maby I feel the need that I have to, because applications have been out for weeks now, and I have yet to even care about filling one out. Aswell as TEC. I stil have yet to send in my application for that as well, so I probly won't even get in now. But oh well, I dunno. Maby im just growing up, maby im just in a bad mood? I really don't know. I mean like, im fine and dandy until I start thinking about these 2 topics (as well as a few others), and then I just get all, "ugh" about it.

Monday, March 19, 2007

I can't fake it anymore.

I'm at a loss for words; there's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what lead me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold
Where did the passion go?

When all my efforts seem like chasing the wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm alone to the core
I can't fake it anymore - part of Nicole Sponberg's song.


So last night I was just standing in my room looking in the mirrior, and all of a sudden I just broke down and started to cry. I have no idea why, like there was no aparent reason for this. This over whelming feeling just came over me; like I had finaly had enough. Like I finaly realized my efforts seemed like chasing the wind. They were just never gonna happen. And I can't fake that im okay anymore. Its just to much for me. I got into something that im too weak to handle. I thought I could do it, and iv gotten this far, but I feel like shit. My body can not take it anymore, my mind is going crazy, and im sick of always feeling down and unhappy. This most deffinitly did not turn out like I had planned it to.

Then tonight, I think I just finaly like, drew my last straw. The same feelings came over me again, feelings of regret, discomfort, stress and feeling that I have had enough. I got more then I barganed for, and as much as it kills me to do this, it could slowly kill me to not. And Im sick of keeping this all in pretending like im fine, because iv been far from it for a very long time. It's amazing what a person can do with a smile and a "im fine".

I just, I don't know the part when this was sapose to get easy, and its been a year. And all i do is go through more shit I can't handle, and everything gets harder. I guess I just wasn't cut out for this after all.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Updates.

Well well well, update on my life? Hm lets see. We had CF today. It was actuly pretty good this week, which it usualy is just stupid. Some gurls got up and talked about "love" and relationships. It was a good talk, they're pretty brave to be honest, lol I dunno if I could of done it. Although Nicole Vair and I are planning a sermon for a couple weeks from now for the class haha. Imagine? That'd be funny if we actuly did it though. But yeah anyways, the discusion made me feel kinda like I was at camp. We even talked about Camp Medley, and TEC for a bit. These kinds of things make me happy. It also just kinda like, made me realize how comfortable these girls are to get up infront of a class and talk about the word of God, something I need to work on. Im just not a very open person, im not shy, But I keep stuff to myself alot. Mostly because I don't trust alot of people and fear getting dissapointed by them. But hopefuly god will bless me with the courage to speak his word infront of the public with no hesitation.

So I had an over all good day, (minus the math physics and sociology tests I had to do). Then, tonight, to my surprize and coincedence, A letter from Camp Medley arrived in the mail!:) Its the regerstration form, although im not going back to be a camper and have no use of the form, it had some info about LIT'ing which got me excited. And just to know that the forms are out, means camp is on it's way! Im so excited. Also I plan on attending TEC this may. So hopefuly everything works out for that. Caz some of my favorite people will be there:) and I really want to see them.

Other then that, I just got back from Florida on Tuesday! I was there for 10 days over the March break. It was awesome. I really enjoyed it. And I got to spend some time with my family which I don't get to do very often. (or choose not to, im not sure lol ) But anyways, it was fun and my parents are planning another trip to go back next year for 2 weeks! I also want to go to Greece on the March break so i'll see how that all works out. But anyways, for now im doin pretty good, the heads still hurtin but i'v lernt to deal with that shittie fact of life. School's going good, family is good, everything is just good. Right now I am just anxiously awaiting my summer to get started. Until then, I will keep you updated.

I realize I don't write in this much anymore, because Facebook has taken over my life. so if your interested in updates and such either add me to it, or if you dont have it, get one! (marie-helene & Martha!)