You Don't Know Me.

Hm.. so after 5 years, i finaly got busted. My parents oficialy know about the drinking, its just too bad there a little too late. I must say, today was the most akward conversation I would say I would ever have to have with my mother. I don't even know like, what to think? She was like, pissed/upset/surprized. I mean really, i dont see what the big surprize is, if it took her this long to figure it out, i must be really good at hiding who i really am. Its pretty sad when even the person who brought you into this world, can know nothing about you. So for those of you who know me, don't be surprized..if you really don't know me at all.

Iv stated before in this blog, that i am very good at hiding behind a smile. I am very good at faking a whole identity of someone im not, im very good at pretending im the "gurl who has it all together", when really, everything has already fallin apart.

Every teenager has had or will have there stage in life where they rebel and don't listen to their parents, and infact, do just the exact opposite just dispite them. Every teenager goes through hard times, times where they just don't think they can do it anymore. Times where the only thing that is standing in their way, are the people who care the most about them. Times when the only way out of all of this stress and unknowingness is drinking or what ever it may be. But me, my stage.. my stage is my whole life. I cannot escape it. A very good friend once said to me: "you are who you are, you can never change. You may think you can and have and you can try, but it only last a short while. Because deep down inside, this is who you are." I tried to prove him wrong, and i almost did, for almost 2 years.. until I finaly hit rock bottom, and my life came crashing down. When i finaly gave into everything that was trying to pull me back down. Some people don't understand, that somethings in life, just aren't worth fighting for. Somethings in life you just arent strong enough to over come them. Somethings in life you can not get through without your friends. And tell me this.. how are you sapose to be helped by friends, when they are going through the same thing. They are the ones bringin you down. Its the harsh circle of life people. You can't have everything, although we like to think we can, reality is..we just can't.

Someone asked me "is this what you want. Is this really who you want to be?" But do we really have a choice? Personaly I don't really think we do. I think someone along the road put the idea in everyones head that we did have a choice to be who we are. But really, i think our lives have already been decided for us. They'v been decided since god assigned us to our parents. I think this because, Kids are the spitting image of their parents. Its not who they want to be that they become, its who their parents raised them to be that is who they are. Well, unless ur the exception like me, and do the exact opposite of what your parents tell you to do, and let them believe for 5 years that their child is a little angle. Let them believe for 17 years that they raised you so well, that your not like all the other teenagers out their, that your not a dissapointment to them.

These next few weeks, or like month, is going to be really hard. Alot of stuff is going on that im not quite sure how its going to be handeld. So it should be interesting.