A bunch of Crap.

Yeah, so. The month of April..yay? No, umm... im very, well? Nothing.
Im extremly happy exams are over though. I managed to pass all 5. Unfortunatly, my marks were 60, 65, 73, 85 & 90. Sure the last 2 are alright, but the first 3 suck. For some reason I just don't like to study for midterms. There just so pointless and stupid.

Anywho, So lifes been...different. Last weekend I went to church for the first time this year. Martha brought me to the vinyard er something. It was kinda akward, I just felt out of place. Just because like, I dunno, I didn't really feel like I should of been there. With all these people who came to worship christ, singing with the hands raised. And me just standing there with my hands in my pockets, wondering how I got here. I was wondering how I ever got to this place in my life where I am at right now. This constant battle agaisnt everything I ever knew or was. A battle agaisnt myself. Everyday I wake up, and its the same old thing, same old people saying the same old things. How did I get to this place where my best just isnt good enough anymore. Where "all I can be", isn't anything at all. Confusion, frustration, and wonder, is pretty well all my life has been the past year. Im trying so hard, but I really start to wonder if everything I have been feeling, is worth it. If it is worth all the hurt, sadness, and doubt. I remember a time when I was happy and laughed about everything, and cared about nothing at all. Those memories start to fade the deeper I get into this year. I know noone said it's sapose to be easy, but sometimes it makes me wonder if it is really even worth it. Why do so many people choose to take the fun/easy way out? How do we even know for sure, if the fight i am fighting, is even going to amount to something someday? We really don't. Am I just trusting what some people say and think? Well, what about the others? They don't seem to mind.

I dunno, I just like. I figured by now it would get a little easier and I notice myself just getting worse. I just really wish God would help me right now. I am at the point where I don't think I can handle anything else. And for all you people who are saying "God said he wouldn't give us more then we could handle" well I have news for you, the one thing I did learn at church last week is, HE CAN. Like frig, I even went back to church later that night with my friend, because for some reason I felt like we both needed to be there. Like I never learnt what I was sapose to, or I needed to hear it twice? Although both churches were very different and different denominations, I really don't think I got much out of any, because I was too busy standing there, wondering, how I got to this place. Then, yesterday I went back to the catholic church caz it being Easter and all, and I'll tell you I actuly got something out of it. The preist kept repeating something like, people who go to church when ever they "feel" like it, but really believe their christians, are better off not going at all, and not believeing anything. Because if you truely were a follower of christ, you would know that 2 hours of your time on sunday, is nothing compared to the pain and suffering Jesus went through. Well, If all this time I was putting myself through all of this, and not going to church. I guess it was a waist of time, because it ment nothing.

K I dunno, im sorry for all that. I just had a major break down. I guess im just building up with stress and anxiety about trying so hard not to fall, that im falling 10 times as hard when I feel as if I can't take it anymore. I am really in some desperate need of God. Like, you don't even know. This summer really can't come fast enough.