Someone Strange.

Somehow these people never seem to phase me. I can never escape the questions and negativity. No one seems to think I can do this. It's hard enough as it is going at this alone, let alone having descussions of the sort (the usual), (you can't change)..blah blah. Well, ya know what, maby I can't.. but isn't it atleast worth the try? Honestly, what could I possibly have to loose? I handful of "your weird now"'s.."you can't do it"'s.."your a totaly different person". It's conversations like these, that make me second guess what am I trying to prove? But then when im finished feeling sorrie for myself, I realize it's not what im trying to prove, but WHO im trying to prove it to. Anywho, here the conversation im refering to. I just had it with one of my friends, I took the liberty to block out his name and change it to "..." because it's not who's saying it thats important, it's what's being said.


alyson.lw says:
lol im not drinking, ever ..but go I might
... says:
thats weird to think that
alyson.lw says:
how come
... says:
cuz like u use to be the worst
alyson.lw says:
i know eh.. jeeze
...says:
its kinda strange
alyson.lw says:
yeah i no it is, its strange for me too
... says:
like ur not going to drink ever
alyson.lw says:
noppe
...says:
like university and like have sex or anything
alyson.lw says:
nope
... says:
so what do u do at parties
alyson.lw says:
nothing, thats why i dont wanan go
... says:
wow this is the first time i feel weird like i am talking to someone different
alyson.lw says:
what do u mean
... says:
like the girl i use to know and went out with
... says:
i feel like i am talkign to someone totallly different
alyson.lw says:
oh, yeah ..her
alyson.lw says:
well, i guess i am different
...says:
question?
alyson.lw says:
yeah
...says:
do u think people can truely change
alyson.lw says:
i think i have, so yeah, if you really want it, i do believe they can
... says:
i dont
alyson.lw says:
why not
alyson.lw says:
you just said yourself, your talkign to a whole new person
... says:
i donno i think as hard as u try in the end ur the same person u have always been
... says:
thats what it feels like but like i said are u still the same person u have always been
alyson.lw says:
so you think, sooner or later, im gonna be who i was before
... says:
i dont no that
... says:
but i think people are always the same


This is exactly what I mean in my post below about "being a prisoner to my own past". I can't escape it. Even If i can forget it, it's like noone else can. Or noone else wants to. Because of my past im goin to suffer in the present and future, because people think im just a big joke or something trying to persue christ. Well, i've made to many mistakes like this before, putting my faith aside because of what everyone is always telling me to do. I put it off almost 3 years and im not about to do it again. So think what you wish, but I have every intention to make it.

-alyson.lw