Too busy to listen.

Well, my math midterm went very well. Im confident I got a good mark. I hope anyways. I have english monday, and I haven't started to study for that. I attempted but like, my ADD kicked in and I got distracted by other things caz I have very little attention spand. Tuesday and Wednesday I have Chemistry and History, so they shall be death also. I just can't wait until they are over, I hate tests caz I can't study,like I don't know how. My idea of studien is staying after school with a teacher and getting "help" in the subject. Like, it's the only way I will actuly do anything is if im being forced to one-on-one and theres no distractions. That's what I did for math, and it seems it has helped. So I plan on doing it for Chemistry and History as well.

Anyways, so I just realized today that I haven't been to youth in about a month. I forgot all about it, thats how busy i'v been. But atleast I go to church now eh? Well, twice anyways lol, but I plan on going tomaro night too. Hopefuly i'll make it out to youth on wednesday if im not to busy and remember lol. I haven't fallen from the whole god scene though, for anyone wondering. I'v just been, busy. Which isn't really a good excuse at all, caz god's never to busy for me, I know, it's just hard being human, you can only focus on so many things at once. God on the other and is intence and can focus on every single aspect to every person's life all at the same time! I dunno how he does it man! I wish I could do that with school, and friends and family, it's so rough. But it's all good.

So lately i'v been feeling kind of, different. I'v been having lot's of questions, with no answers. Question I feel I shouldn't even be asking, or thinking about. Questions that have answers no one will ever truely understand. My mother and I hit up the christian book store tonight, and I was listening to a CD by Krystal Meyers. Her songs are like, written directly to teenager strugeling in the more popular aspects in life.

"Rescue Me"
I'm carrying the weight of the world that sold me out
I'm running with my eyes closed
Hoping you don't see this doubt
I'm lost for wordsI'm at a loss to tell you what I need
I know there's something moreGod, help me to believe
And all this timeI thought the fight
The fight was only mine
I need to let you rescue me

"The Situation"
She’s finding love in the back of a car when is it too late
Have they gone too far
She’s having trouble drawing the line
But she knows she wants to feel beautiful
She struggles finding self-respect
She’ll wake up feeling regret
Her purity's been compromised
But she knows she wants to feel beautiful
He'll trade her heart
For a trophy
Put it on the shelf
So his friends can see
He has what it takes to get what he wants

Theres a bunch more too, just check em out if you want. Man like, I don't know what i'd do without music. I honestly probly get more out of music then talking to anyone. I find music really like the key to mylife. It's what keeps me together. I don't know what I would do without it. And I really liek christian music because instead of people just putting a bunch of words together to make it "sound good", they put a bunch of words together, that leave you thinking, (not about who brought sexy back) but thinking about your life. Christian music sends a positive message to you when you listen to it. I love it.

Now, the most negative thing I find myself strugeling with day after day, after day..is my past. Your past always follows you, they weren't lying when people told you that as a kid. It really doesn't ever leave you alone. Now, until tonight..I always thought of that as a bad thing, a negative aspect on my life. Something that always bothers me and brings me down. I didn't like who I was, and im so happy to of changed..BUT, theres always that link you have to your past that sometimes leaves you thinking, what if I was still that person? Would my life be alot easier then it is right now? Would I have the same grades as I do now? Would I have met some of the people I know now?..The answers to all these questions is probly not. Well, except for a probly on the life being easier then it is now. You know, is probly would be alot easier. It always use to be. But it's people who look for the easy way out of life that end up feeling empyt in the end. Because when everything is over and done with in there life, others are still experienceing more and more things because they have chosen to take the long way through life. Anywho, the point to why I finaly feel that my past isnt a negative aspect to my life, is because I heard this song by Krystal Meyers called "Lovely Traces". It explains how her past was haunting her, and although she wants to she can't forget it. But then she realizes that god even makes her bad choices in life for good reason, because it's what she had to go through to get to him.

"Lovely Traces"
I was consumed
By a life that I made
Destined to crash
Beat up and bruised
By the flashbacks of my own past
I tried to hide away
Till I heard you say
Lovely traces fall behind you
Turn around and you will see
Lovely Traces to remind you
Everything that you've been through
What it took to get you to me
All my mistakes
Regrettable choices I'd like to forget
But somehow you make
All that I wasted useful again
I lost my direction'
Cause I couldn't see
What a beautiful picture
You would complete in me