Something New

So.. im currently on a 5 and a half hour bus ride going from truro nova scotia to Fredericton new brunswick. Apparently I have quite a bit of time to think back and reflect on my weekend. It went so fast that I haven’t really had a chance to think about everything and let it sink in.

So, what im doing right now is listening to music I have written in the past couple years, and I came across my most recent, which I wrote no more than a month and a half ago called Love Story. This song is about the greatest love story of all time, the story of God’s love for us.

The song goes :
you rise up, you climbed the highest mountains
you speak up, and raise the living dead
you stand up, and the blind they see
you sailed the stormy seas
to get to me
this is the greatest love story,
in history

you rose up, and brought the sun and rain
you spoke up, and made the world in seven days
you stood up, and you put evil in its place
you sailed the stormy seas
to get to me
this is the greatest love story,
in history

I think this is so important, because we don’t realize how special a love like that is. Honestly like come on, how many people can we say raise the dead, make the blind see, brought the sun and the rain, make the world in seven days, conquered evil, and sailed the stormiest of seas JUST to get to YOU. Just to show you his love, just to show you he cares and loves you. He did all of this for YOU, not himself, YOU.

Lately im having a hard time trying to comprehend how something, someone could love me so much, that much, that a love so strong could ever even exsist. Why would anyone do all of that just for me? And your thinking, well he did it for the entire world, but you know what, that’s where your wrong. He would of done all of that even if there was just one of us left here. He does it everyday for each individual when they have struggles and hard times and feel like giving up. I think we all know that, but some of us have a hard time remembering it.

Have you ever screwed up so bad in life that no matter what anyone tells you about how God forgives everyone and everything, you still don’t believe that they could be talking about you? Guilty. I feel this way all the time. So much that I push God and all of these people trying to tell me that he loves me no matter what, away. Because im hard headed, stubborn, and hard hearted. Iv been hurt a lot in my life to know enough not to let people in risking it happening again. People walk in and out of your life everyday that you never could of imagined ever loosing, but I tend to forget it’s the ones that stay that are worth it. I also tend to forget that God isn’t man, he isn’t human and he doesn’t just walk out when things get tough. The problem is I walk out when things get tough. I guess I never thought of this before, but I do to God what I try so hard to avoid because iv had so many people hurt me by doing it. Walking out of your life and leaving when things don’t go as planned. Hmm… never thought of it that way.

Anyways back to this weekend, I could write about it forever because I think it was exactly what I needed. Its funny how things just tend to fall into place when you least expect it. Friday night Krissy and I went to this thing called Rush. Its like an outreach thing in Truro put on for troubled teens and what not. Jokingly before I went I said “oh well then ill fit right in”, little did I know, I really did. Everything that was talked about related to me. And I don’t just mean like, oh everyone goes through it at some point. Im talking hit me DEAD on to what has been going on in my heart and what I have been struggling with, from trusting god, to truly letting the past go and giving it to jesus, to saying your Christian but not living it, to being so hurt by people you can let anyone else in, to thinking there are some things in your life you’ve done that cant be forgiving, and the most important thing, that I hear over and over but sometimes forget it, is that God never left. He has always been here, waiting for me to come back to him. Just like the song “I’ll take you back” by Jeremy camp. It says “Ill take you back always, even when your fight is over now, ill take you back always, even when the pain is coming through, ill take you back”. I think those two lines are so powerful and so meaning full. God knows that we will try to do it on our own, that people will try just about anything to get through something before they will run back to him. But yet he still says, after all of this, when your fight is over and the pain is still there more then ever, as long as you are ready to let him in, he will take you back. There is nothing in this lifetime that God can’t handle. I was told once by a very important inspiring person, that just because I can’t handle something, doesn’t mean God can’t. Truth is I really can’t handle anything that is going on in my life right now, I have never felt so alone, broken, abandoned, stressed and hopeless. BUT that doesn’t mean GOD can’t handle it for me, as long as I give it to him. And I mean truly give it to him. Which is my biggest problem. Im not so sure I know how to do that anymore. Listen to me, I always do this, when I write I become a different person and escape myself and write the things id love to speak, but can’t find the strength to. I say the things I believe in my heart, but my head tries its damnedest to stop me from believing it in my brain. Which causes my second guessings and freaking myself out to run farther away and push god farther and farther away. I need to stop, I know I do, But I don’t know how. I really need a miracle I think, I ask god into my life almost everyday, but do I really mean it? Am I truly giving my life to him or just asking him to fix whats bad so I can walk out of his life again. That’s my problem. Because iv hit rock bottom I feel like this is my last resort and chance but whos to say once iv been lifted up and brought out of the ditch im in, that I wont fall right back into it. Believe me, its happened, over and over again. So in a way I guess I don’t really blame him. He doesn’t know if im 100% serious, and neither do i. I feel it but I don’t always act it. He wants all of me, not half of me. I need to work on that, pray that I find it in me to let go, and grab hold of something new.