So, i havent writtin in this in a REALLY long time. To be honest, I havent been myself in a really long time. Right now im in a different city, a different province, trying to figure out who i am and where i went wrong. This weekend I decided to take my second trip to truro in the past couple months, to visit a friend who honestly is someone i believe god put into my life specfically for faith and trust when times got hard. Iv been going through a very hard time lately, struggling with my walk with God. I didn't know what i wanted, who i was, who i wanted to be, or how i was doing to do it. I feel like i have been to the bottom on a dark pit with honestly either nowhere to go but up, or to stay at the bottom for the rest of my life.
I seem to struggle with trust, mostly trust in who god is. I tend to get caught up reality and life and get blind sighted by the things that dont matter, that keep me from the things that do. My whole life iv been known to be a fairly strong person, iv been through alot of crap in my life but somehow i always manage to come out on top of things, because i never gave up. Well within the past year, iv learned what it means to give up, to give up strength, to give up fighting, to give up living for what i strongly believed in my entire life. Just because things got hard. I got consumed with life and over whelmed and felt like I haddnt the time for getting hurt by letting god into my life anymore. I felt i could do it on my own because i was invincible. Well it wasnt until a couple months ago where I started to realise that im really not as invincible as i thought i was. I started to realize that i cant do this on my own. Im so scared of getting hurt that im hurting myself by not doing what in my heart i know and believe is right. All out of fear. Jesus says to fear his name, but i think im taking it to a whole other level. I fear having him love me, and ill come up with every excuse in the book so convince myself that he doesnt love me, he doesnt care, and doesnt want to help me.
Lately I have become aware of this, after almost of year of loosing faith and slowly falling short of christianity, I have lost myself. Someone who i once knew and had figured out, i slowly let slipp between the cracks of temptation and time. I feel as if when i loved god with all my heart, like in these earlier postings, evil could never reach me. My mind was so made up and i was so firm that noone could tare me away from God. I think the devil honestly sits and waits, lerking behind you, waiting for that one second that you fall short, that you mess up, that you have doubts and second thoughts and start to question everything. I think the minute he senses this vulnerability he attacks you and temps you with all your previous weaknesses and then some. I think that this time I had so much going on that I finally just broke and couldnt handle anything anymore. I couldnt even handle myself. I push god so far away from me that I had noone and i was completely alone, lost and broken. Broken... no theres a good word that discribes me. Something that was once so beautiful, shattered as it hit the floor, with the peices skattered everywhere, just waiting to be picked up by something even bigger and be put back together. I am waiting to be put back together, but something more greater then i could ever imagine. Something that use to save me as a child, and even a teenager. Something, or someone, i have pushed so far out of my life that I can not even reach my hand out far enough to grab hold of it.
I was told once that, each time you commit sin and each specific thing you are tempted with creates a barrier between you and god. Each time you mess up, your putting more and more barriers up, which is causes god to be pushed back further and further. God can not be near sin, because he is too holy, but he is willing to break down those barriers if you truely, truely ask him to and let him into your life. I think the problem with me is, i dont know what the word truely means. "do you truely believe in him?" "do you truely want this?" "are you truely trying". the truth is, i dont know. I cant even get my own thoughts about the situation figured out.
I read this blog tonight for the first time in ages, and I could not believe it. I have no idea who this girl even was who wrote all of these posts about bible scriptures and gods love. I have no idea... It can take 17 years to build up the walls of gods trust so strong, and less than 1 year to completely tare them down to nothing. I would love more than anything to be that girl again, to have that fire for gods love that burned in her, that passion. These posts were so meaningful and one day ment the world to me. I truely believed everyword, and it honestly breaks whats left of my heart to be broken, to know that a girl so happy with such a strong heart, could totally be distroyed from evil. I am so lost and have been looking to find my way in the darkness for so long now that I realized theres no such things as a way in darkness. There are no paths in the dark that are found, the paths ment taking and worth searching for and finding are the ones that are lit up so that you may have no trouble finding them, as long as you take the time to open your eyes. I think the worlds problem today is people dont take time to really open there eyes and search for what they truely desire. They want everything to be handed to them when they ask for it and can't seem to understand when that isnt the case. or atleast, thats how i feel lately.
This weekend honestly is probably one of the best descisions iv made in a long time. I do believe and always have believed that God puts certain people in your life for a reason, you may not know it at the time, but 4 or 5 years later when your sitting in their house talking about something that could save your life, and they are trying everything in their soul to pray for you and help you, and will give up a weekend just because they know your really in need of someone to incourage you, but with noother way but through god would you have met this person, its then you really realize how god works and the power he has to change lives and plant seeds and friendships in a persons life who for year may have been there lingering, but it wasnt until when god knew you would need them the most, that he watered that seed and made it grow in the nick of time just when you feel like giving up because you have no hope and noone to help you. Without this person, many times would i not of giving up sin to fight for rightousness. God choses people who he knows will have an impact on you, to speak through them, because he knows that when your fed up of trying to listen to him, he will find people who your not sick of listening to yet, because that is how much he loves you. I am very thankful for this girl and her caring heart. She has no reason to care about what im going through or to want to help, but she is a woman of god and he choses to work through her time after time to get to me. And to be honest, it seems to be working.
I could write forever but i may stop because its 3am and i have to get up in 4 hours to get on a bus to go back to the real world once again. I hate leaving, but i got the encouragement that i needed from the person i needed to hear it from so now its up to me to choose what to do with it. Ill get back soon with hopefuly some other things to say. Right now i just need to think.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment