Post TEC.

So, im pretty sure all this week all I could possibly think about was TEC. I miss it SOO much, the people, the singing, everything. I let go of so much when I was there, I had no worries or anything. No hard decisions to make. Then it hit me, the cold harsh reality of the world. The gossip, parties, heartache, betrail... all this stuff surrounds me in just one week. Wether it is towards me or not, I can still see it, all around. At TEC everyone got along, we were all happy, and we all shared a common intrest. Everyone was different, but special in their own way. Everyone could get past the differences for once, unlike this world, difference is a battle people face everyday. I hate it, i hate being involved in it.

I don't belong here, I don't fit in with the lives everyone around me leads. Im fighting so hard to survive, that I loose myself in the process. It happens everytime, and everytime I seem to fail. I dont know how much pain and suffering to stay alive I can take. I am a strong kid, and can take alot more pain then the average person, but someday I wont be able to take anymore.. and i dunno what im gonna do.

TEC 15.

Hey, okay so, I just got back from a long weekend at TEC 15. When I was there I wrote some stuff down about it, so im gonna share with you what it was I said.

Saterday (Day #1):
" Getting akward! I am so not as big of a bible tumper as these people."
"Skits...what an interesting time that will be. So not into this whole God scene. What am I even doing here?"

Sunday Morning (Day #2):
"Okay, so last night was really weird. I was sitting there while everyone was whorshiping and praying and stuff, and I really felt like I should go get prayer caz Iv needed it for SOO long, but I just kinda ignored the feeling and just sat there. Then, Martha came over to me and (god love her, saving me everytime), says "you should go get prayer, I'll come with you." So I get up and very slowly, akwardly walk over to 2 guys (Julien and Terrance) and asked them to pray for me. He asked what I wanted to be prayed for, and I very not wanting to say it said "Pray that I can feel forgivin for my past". So They did, and one of them started talking in tounges and such. Just like freakin out. Then he says: Alyson, Jesus is looking you in the eyes RIGHT NOW saying he forgives you, and I closed my eyes, and the weridest thing happened. I saw 2 eyes looking back at me, and a heart underneath them. Then all of a sudden, I felt like I was being pushed, and started to like, go back and forth, trying to keep my ballance, but my eyes would not open. Then my whole body just totaly let go of everything and I fell onto the ground. As I was lying onto the ground it felt like someone had lit a match inside of my body it was burning so much. All I could see was white, cloud sort of things, and it felt as if I was floating. I was soo light, and the insides of me were shakeing. I could hear everything going on around me, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldnt open my eyes. Aparently that happenes when the Holy spirit comes into your body because he is too strong to fight it, and too powerful and overwhelming for our human bodies. Finaly I was able to open my eyes, it was the weridest thing iv ever gone through in my life!"

Sunday Night:
"I dont know if that was a good thing or not. Im still trying to grasp the fact that ever happened. Why would it happen to me of all people? I most certainly am not anything specail, and don't deserve that. I don't even know where I am with the whole God thing yet. Im always going back and forth, but I never have enough proof. Was last night enough proof? I really don't know, I still find it werid and scary that happened."

Monday Morning (day 3):
"I do not want to go home! This has been the most amazing experience ever!! Im really glad I came, because I really wasn't going to."

So that is just how much God worked in my life in just a little bit of time. Its amazing really, I can't even explain this weekend. but I met so many awesome people and sang my little heart out! Also, what you may not no is. Today I was asked to get up infront of EVERYONE at tec and talk about my saterdaynight experience. I was trying to avoid it all weekend, ignoring the tight chest, heart beating fast, but then I finaly got the push I needed and got up. It was really hard for me because I hate letting people in, and talking about my personal feelings, PLUS, I am hugely afraid of public speaking, so it was quite the challange to get up there. I don't even remeber what I said my heart was beating so fast, and not to mention I cried all the way through it lol. But it was awesome I guess.
So OVER ALL, TEC 15 was the best experience of my life!!!

Poetry Reading.

I did something I never thought i'd ever do today. It was quite a good experience actuly, I enjoyed it after it was finished, and my face was finished turning every shade of red possible. Anyways, incase your wondering what it was exactly I did, I went to a Poetry reading at the public library today. Now, you may be like, oh whats the big deal? BUT if you know me at all, you may know 2 things, that I am extremly scared of public speaking, AND that I do not express emotions well. So reading a poem I wrote that is like, about a time in my life, infront of people, with a microphone and everything lol, was a huge deal. And the fact I had to go second didn't help either.

As I got up there, shaking in my shoes, lol I was really nervous of what people were gonna think. As words started coming from my mouth, All i could think was "what in the hell am I doing up here?". And then, by the time I got my mind to unwrap from that thought, it was over. Everyone claped, and I felt goood because I Finaly over came two of my greatest fears. They don't seem like much, but to me they honestly are. Anyways, so I really enjoyed it and im happy I did it.

So that was my excitement for the week. Anywho, im out. Peace

Accomplishment.. or not?

So I officaily haven't drank in a year. WOW, what an accomplishment...not? Im totaly pissed off and just want school to get over so summer can start. This year has literaly been hell, and not exactly what I barganed for. But what ever, thats over and done with, so heres to the new year.

Anyways, I had to write somthing for english this weekend. Not exactly sure if it makes sence, but I was able to turn it into a nice lil song. So here it is..

My Reason Is You

Like a rain drop,
the mountains fall from the sky

Like an ocean and it's tide,
this heart is ever waiting to find

Like the trees change with season
This soul searches the widths of this earth for reason

reason to live
reason to breath
reason to set your soul free again
reason to love
reason to laugh
reason to save yourself so hearts can mend

Like a rain drop,
the mountains fall from the sky

Like an ocean and it's tide
this heart is ever waiting to find

Like the trees change with season
this soul searches the widths of this earth for reason

And I found you,
in the midst of it all

My reason is You