Okay, So why is it that.. everything ALWAYS seems to fall apart at exactly the same time. Nothing ever just gradually falls apart and starts to suck, it just all at once hits you. Well atleast that is the case for me. I really don't know what to do. I am falling apart, real fast, and real hard. The one person I could really use right now, the one person I actuly enjoy talking to, the person I can tell everything to and somehow manages to make everything seem alot better then it really is.. is gone away from me for over a month. I really don't know what to do, I need someone to talk to, to freak out at about life..someone to make me smile and forget about all the gay crap going on in my life right now.
*Miss you.<3
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
You Don't Know Me.
Hm.. so after 5 years, i finaly got busted. My parents oficialy know about the drinking, its just too bad there a little too late. I must say, today was the most akward conversation I would say I would ever have to have with my mother. I don't even know like, what to think? She was like, pissed/upset/surprized. I mean really, i dont see what the big surprize is, if it took her this long to figure it out, i must be really good at hiding who i really am. Its pretty sad when even the person who brought you into this world, can know nothing about you. So for those of you who know me, don't be surprized..if you really don't know me at all.
Iv stated before in this blog, that i am very good at hiding behind a smile. I am very good at faking a whole identity of someone im not, im very good at pretending im the "gurl who has it all together", when really, everything has already fallin apart.
Every teenager has had or will have there stage in life where they rebel and don't listen to their parents, and infact, do just the exact opposite just dispite them. Every teenager goes through hard times, times where they just don't think they can do it anymore. Times where the only thing that is standing in their way, are the people who care the most about them. Times when the only way out of all of this stress and unknowingness is drinking or what ever it may be. But me, my stage.. my stage is my whole life. I cannot escape it. A very good friend once said to me: "you are who you are, you can never change. You may think you can and have and you can try, but it only last a short while. Because deep down inside, this is who you are." I tried to prove him wrong, and i almost did, for almost 2 years.. until I finaly hit rock bottom, and my life came crashing down. When i finaly gave into everything that was trying to pull me back down. Some people don't understand, that somethings in life, just aren't worth fighting for. Somethings in life you just arent strong enough to over come them. Somethings in life you can not get through without your friends. And tell me this.. how are you sapose to be helped by friends, when they are going through the same thing. They are the ones bringin you down. Its the harsh circle of life people. You can't have everything, although we like to think we can, reality is..we just can't.
Someone asked me "is this what you want. Is this really who you want to be?" But do we really have a choice? Personaly I don't really think we do. I think someone along the road put the idea in everyones head that we did have a choice to be who we are. But really, i think our lives have already been decided for us. They'v been decided since god assigned us to our parents. I think this because, Kids are the spitting image of their parents. Its not who they want to be that they become, its who their parents raised them to be that is who they are. Well, unless ur the exception like me, and do the exact opposite of what your parents tell you to do, and let them believe for 5 years that their child is a little angle. Let them believe for 17 years that they raised you so well, that your not like all the other teenagers out their, that your not a dissapointment to them.
These next few weeks, or like month, is going to be really hard. Alot of stuff is going on that im not quite sure how its going to be handeld. So it should be interesting.
Iv stated before in this blog, that i am very good at hiding behind a smile. I am very good at faking a whole identity of someone im not, im very good at pretending im the "gurl who has it all together", when really, everything has already fallin apart.
Every teenager has had or will have there stage in life where they rebel and don't listen to their parents, and infact, do just the exact opposite just dispite them. Every teenager goes through hard times, times where they just don't think they can do it anymore. Times where the only thing that is standing in their way, are the people who care the most about them. Times when the only way out of all of this stress and unknowingness is drinking or what ever it may be. But me, my stage.. my stage is my whole life. I cannot escape it. A very good friend once said to me: "you are who you are, you can never change. You may think you can and have and you can try, but it only last a short while. Because deep down inside, this is who you are." I tried to prove him wrong, and i almost did, for almost 2 years.. until I finaly hit rock bottom, and my life came crashing down. When i finaly gave into everything that was trying to pull me back down. Some people don't understand, that somethings in life, just aren't worth fighting for. Somethings in life you just arent strong enough to over come them. Somethings in life you can not get through without your friends. And tell me this.. how are you sapose to be helped by friends, when they are going through the same thing. They are the ones bringin you down. Its the harsh circle of life people. You can't have everything, although we like to think we can, reality is..we just can't.
Someone asked me "is this what you want. Is this really who you want to be?" But do we really have a choice? Personaly I don't really think we do. I think someone along the road put the idea in everyones head that we did have a choice to be who we are. But really, i think our lives have already been decided for us. They'v been decided since god assigned us to our parents. I think this because, Kids are the spitting image of their parents. Its not who they want to be that they become, its who their parents raised them to be that is who they are. Well, unless ur the exception like me, and do the exact opposite of what your parents tell you to do, and let them believe for 5 years that their child is a little angle. Let them believe for 17 years that they raised you so well, that your not like all the other teenagers out their, that your not a dissapointment to them.
These next few weeks, or like month, is going to be really hard. Alot of stuff is going on that im not quite sure how its going to be handeld. So it should be interesting.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Song I wrote today
when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
shes calling out your name
wont you come and heal her pain
caz shes sick of going crazy
and its driving her insain
when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
shes reaching out to you
shes starting to loose hope
shes starting to give up
caz day by day shes finding she cant cope, and
when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
shes searching for an answer
for the questions of this life
how much longer could it take
just for her to get it right
when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
she wonders when her time will come
for you to reach out and save her
shes falling down
shes falling
shes falling down
and you cant save her now
she breaks the broken then falls apart
shes calling out your name
wont you come and heal her pain
caz shes sick of going crazy
and its driving her insain
when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
shes reaching out to you
shes starting to loose hope
shes starting to give up
caz day by day shes finding she cant cope, and
when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
shes searching for an answer
for the questions of this life
how much longer could it take
just for her to get it right
when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
she wonders when her time will come
for you to reach out and save her
shes falling down
shes falling
shes falling down
and you cant save her now
Monday, October 22, 2007
& when she falls; she falls so hard.
So just when things were finaly starting to look up for me (minus my new concussion), ofcourse they would go and turn it all upside down. I was finaly really happy, and had no complaints. Even the concussion for the past two weeks never got me down. I had the best weekend of my life, met the nicest person ever. And now it's all going to be taken away from me. Obv, caz that always happens. I dunno, im getting a little bit frustrated with life in general these days. I hate hate HATE school. And concussions, and people, and just pretty much everything. I don't know why this always happens to me. Its like im suck prone er something, along with accident prone.
I hate when this happens caz im not one of those people who slip up a little bit, or get a little sad or frustrated for a short period of time but doesn't let it affect the rest of my life. Im the person who holds on for so long until shes about to break, and cant take it anymore... until I finaly let go, and fall harder then the last time. I try way too much to be strong because I don't like to depend on other people to make things easier on my life. I try to conqure the world by myself, and day by day im learning more and more that I can't do that anymore.
When I was younger things use to go wrong in my life but I could just ignore it and brush it off my shoulder. Back then I could just say "someday i will look back on this and laugh". And you know what, when i look back on things from middle school and elementary school I do laugh, alot. But as I got older I realized I don't have the patience that i had 5-8 years ago. Anxiety collects over time, and eventually, you end up in gr.12..not being able to handle all the pressures life throws at you about university, friends, guys, lifestyles..etc. Stress Stress Stress.
The only thing that changes over the years are the ways in which people tend to deal with stress. They don't have the imagination they use to so instead of saying "we'll just laugh about this later", teenagers tend to turn to quick fix's..becauses thats the only way they see is out. So they waist their lives away on drugs and alcohol instead of figuring a normal more civilized way out. Like talking to someone, learning how to handle and deal with stress more easily. If only it worked that way, instead..because of life's crap, people are forced to sit back and watch their friends and people they care about, waist away to nothing as their brain gets fried or there liver fails and they end up dieing. Yes thats right, death can be a result to stress. Stress can lead to hard drugs, alcoholism or even suicide (which is less common but happens).
I don't really know what im getting at with all of this. But when will the confusion, frustration and depression end? When will people finaly grow up and realize they can't always run away from their problems. Its funny when I say "grow up" because really, i think they need to "grow down", because kids seem to be the innocent ones who don't seem to let anything bother them longer then 2 minutes. Kids today worry too much about growing up. They want to grow up too fast, so fast that they try drugs, alcohol, sex..etc, and it ends up ruining their child innocence. My advice to young people is to not grow up. Try and stay young as long as possible, it will help you in the long run. When i was little I always use to wish my life away because i wanted to be in highschool. Then i wanted my liscence... then i wanted to be in grade 12, now That i have everything I ever wanted. All i want is to be a few years younger with less things to worry about.
I hate when this happens caz im not one of those people who slip up a little bit, or get a little sad or frustrated for a short period of time but doesn't let it affect the rest of my life. Im the person who holds on for so long until shes about to break, and cant take it anymore... until I finaly let go, and fall harder then the last time. I try way too much to be strong because I don't like to depend on other people to make things easier on my life. I try to conqure the world by myself, and day by day im learning more and more that I can't do that anymore.
When I was younger things use to go wrong in my life but I could just ignore it and brush it off my shoulder. Back then I could just say "someday i will look back on this and laugh". And you know what, when i look back on things from middle school and elementary school I do laugh, alot. But as I got older I realized I don't have the patience that i had 5-8 years ago. Anxiety collects over time, and eventually, you end up in gr.12..not being able to handle all the pressures life throws at you about university, friends, guys, lifestyles..etc. Stress Stress Stress.
The only thing that changes over the years are the ways in which people tend to deal with stress. They don't have the imagination they use to so instead of saying "we'll just laugh about this later", teenagers tend to turn to quick fix's..becauses thats the only way they see is out. So they waist their lives away on drugs and alcohol instead of figuring a normal more civilized way out. Like talking to someone, learning how to handle and deal with stress more easily. If only it worked that way, instead..because of life's crap, people are forced to sit back and watch their friends and people they care about, waist away to nothing as their brain gets fried or there liver fails and they end up dieing. Yes thats right, death can be a result to stress. Stress can lead to hard drugs, alcoholism or even suicide (which is less common but happens).
I don't really know what im getting at with all of this. But when will the confusion, frustration and depression end? When will people finaly grow up and realize they can't always run away from their problems. Its funny when I say "grow up" because really, i think they need to "grow down", because kids seem to be the innocent ones who don't seem to let anything bother them longer then 2 minutes. Kids today worry too much about growing up. They want to grow up too fast, so fast that they try drugs, alcohol, sex..etc, and it ends up ruining their child innocence. My advice to young people is to not grow up. Try and stay young as long as possible, it will help you in the long run. When i was little I always use to wish my life away because i wanted to be in highschool. Then i wanted my liscence... then i wanted to be in grade 12, now That i have everything I ever wanted. All i want is to be a few years younger with less things to worry about.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
God Is Out To Get Me.
So i got to go for my second ambulance ride this morning. Im starting to get pissed off at life. Im always getting hurt. My LAST day of fieldhockey, like fuuccck. Some tank ass bitch HAS to slam her 500 pound body into my head. She just HAD to. I was finaly just getting over a concussion that ruined my life for a good year n a half. Now I get to do it ALL over again. Im soo pissed. Like, everytime I finaly start to like my life, somethings serious comes along and happens to me to ruin my life some more. I swear God's out to get me these days. Like seriously.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Break Me
Have you ever, ever crossed your heart, ever hoped to die
Have you ever, ever fell apart, ever told a lie
This is the story of my life these days. Im so confused. I have no idea what I want. Well actuly, I know what I want, but I also know what I want and can't seem to have. It really is complicated you know, life. Sometimes I just think it sucks. Really, how is it that I can figure out a complicated 3D puzzel, or even put together a computer desk, without instructions..even though they are there if I need them. But the one thing I can't figure out, as hard and as much as I try, over and over again, doesn't come with instructions just to back me up when I get it wrong. Life is the one thing that should come with an instruction book.
Oh crap, I think I just realized the answer to my complaint. Life does come with an instruction book, a vey large one that many people choose not to read, because, like a map..people think they can find their way on there own. The instruction book i am refering to is the Bible.
Okay, this night just on keeps gettin more weird. I just recieved a letter in the mail. On the front of the envelope it didnt say who it was from, just that it was for me. I opened it, in curiosity, only to find that what was inside was exactly what i needed right now. It was a letter from TEC (teens encounter christ), that i filled out about my weekend at tec in may. At the top of the letter it says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to prosper you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Hmm... I do believe God is trying to tell me something. And I do believe hes telling me to grow up, get my life together, stop giving up so easily, and to start fighting for what I believe in. I really just need to believe in myself. I am trying, I really am..but somehow I keep giving up on myself before I can even start to try.
Have you ever, ever fell apart, ever told a lie
This is the story of my life these days. Im so confused. I have no idea what I want. Well actuly, I know what I want, but I also know what I want and can't seem to have. It really is complicated you know, life. Sometimes I just think it sucks. Really, how is it that I can figure out a complicated 3D puzzel, or even put together a computer desk, without instructions..even though they are there if I need them. But the one thing I can't figure out, as hard and as much as I try, over and over again, doesn't come with instructions just to back me up when I get it wrong. Life is the one thing that should come with an instruction book.
Oh crap, I think I just realized the answer to my complaint. Life does come with an instruction book, a vey large one that many people choose not to read, because, like a map..people think they can find their way on there own. The instruction book i am refering to is the Bible.
Okay, this night just on keeps gettin more weird. I just recieved a letter in the mail. On the front of the envelope it didnt say who it was from, just that it was for me. I opened it, in curiosity, only to find that what was inside was exactly what i needed right now. It was a letter from TEC (teens encounter christ), that i filled out about my weekend at tec in may. At the top of the letter it says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to prosper you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Hmm... I do believe God is trying to tell me something. And I do believe hes telling me to grow up, get my life together, stop giving up so easily, and to start fighting for what I believe in. I really just need to believe in myself. I am trying, I really am..but somehow I keep giving up on myself before I can even start to try.
Monday, October 08, 2007
Wake Up Call.
"Your barried in your loss of innocence, wondering if you'll find it again.."
Everyone is searching for that innocence they lost along time ago. Let's face it, shit happens. People aren't perfect forever, people are not kids forever. People grow up, live their lives, and make mistakes. However; it isnt as easy to make mistakes as when you were little, and people said "kids will be kids", because they havent lost their innocence yet. Teenagers on the other hand, even adults, they screw up and noone can ever seem to forgive them.
But even threw it all, threw all the people that will look down on you for your mistakes, all the people who can either "forgive" but not "forget", or just not forgive at all..even after all those people have passed their judgments, theres still one person who will never pass judgement on you. He may be dissapointed, but he will never give up. He will never believe your a screw up, or worthless, or just a big mistake. Over the past couple months I have seem to forgotten this. Forgotten everything I believed in. Everything I lived for, everything that made me believe every mourning i woke up that i still had a chance to change, a chance to make a difference in not only my self but the world. God is the one person who will love you when it's all over. When its all not okay, after the rain falls and even after the sun goes out. In the song "After The World" by Disciple, it explains how much god loves us, and how he will never stop loving us, no matter what, even after the world is over. It wasn't until I heard this song the other day, that I even remembered who God really is. And what God has done in my life for so long.. how could I just forget him like that? Let a few mistakes and the loss of my innocence completly erase him from my mind. This song really spoke to me in powerful words, I think its my wake up call. I have been going down the wrong path lately, some to which it has been out of my controle. Sometimes, it takes more then strength to win the fight of life. Sometimes its way beyond self controle, its way beyond what your friends may think, what your family may think, or even what you yourself may think. Strength is all i can ask for, but I can only ask it of one person. And that person is someone I have been leaving behind in my life latly, so no matter how much strength i asked for, i was never going to recieve it. This time it's different, this time i have realized where i went wrong and the mistakes I've made on the way. This time im going to try, instead of telling people I am, when really i know damn well im not. I tend to do that.. lie, to cover up my life. I don't like knowing that people have me all figured out, because it happens alot in my life where people think they know me, but really have no sweet clue. I tend to lie, and hide behind a smile very well these days. My true identity has yet to be discovered. Im still searching for it myself.
Everyone is searching for that innocence they lost along time ago. Let's face it, shit happens. People aren't perfect forever, people are not kids forever. People grow up, live their lives, and make mistakes. However; it isnt as easy to make mistakes as when you were little, and people said "kids will be kids", because they havent lost their innocence yet. Teenagers on the other hand, even adults, they screw up and noone can ever seem to forgive them.
But even threw it all, threw all the people that will look down on you for your mistakes, all the people who can either "forgive" but not "forget", or just not forgive at all..even after all those people have passed their judgments, theres still one person who will never pass judgement on you. He may be dissapointed, but he will never give up. He will never believe your a screw up, or worthless, or just a big mistake. Over the past couple months I have seem to forgotten this. Forgotten everything I believed in. Everything I lived for, everything that made me believe every mourning i woke up that i still had a chance to change, a chance to make a difference in not only my self but the world. God is the one person who will love you when it's all over. When its all not okay, after the rain falls and even after the sun goes out. In the song "After The World" by Disciple, it explains how much god loves us, and how he will never stop loving us, no matter what, even after the world is over. It wasn't until I heard this song the other day, that I even remembered who God really is. And what God has done in my life for so long.. how could I just forget him like that? Let a few mistakes and the loss of my innocence completly erase him from my mind. This song really spoke to me in powerful words, I think its my wake up call. I have been going down the wrong path lately, some to which it has been out of my controle. Sometimes, it takes more then strength to win the fight of life. Sometimes its way beyond self controle, its way beyond what your friends may think, what your family may think, or even what you yourself may think. Strength is all i can ask for, but I can only ask it of one person. And that person is someone I have been leaving behind in my life latly, so no matter how much strength i asked for, i was never going to recieve it. This time it's different, this time i have realized where i went wrong and the mistakes I've made on the way. This time im going to try, instead of telling people I am, when really i know damn well im not. I tend to do that.. lie, to cover up my life. I don't like knowing that people have me all figured out, because it happens alot in my life where people think they know me, but really have no sweet clue. I tend to lie, and hide behind a smile very well these days. My true identity has yet to be discovered. Im still searching for it myself.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Stresss.
So, today was interesting. I was sick all yesterday and just felt worse today. But ofcourse I have to go to school this semester because I have co-op that I can't miss. So feelin like crap as the day went on, it just kept getting better. I missed my first fieldhockey game because i was too sick to even attempt to play. Which sucked caz i love fieldhockey with my life and were coming down into the last few weeks of season. So i came home mad i had to miss my game, to the well known surprize of a conversation long seen coming. A conversation with someone I really didn't want to have a conversation with, especaily that conversation. I really didn't know what to say, because I promised I wouldn't lie to this person anymore. But it's so hard not to sometimes because I really hate to let this specific person down. Some people just can't except change, others tend to dwell in it. I am just trying to do this person a favor. I know it isn't the answer but i thought it might make things get better, not nessisairaly for me, but for that person. I dunno, things didn't exactly end the way I had planned, and I probly could of handled the situation alot better, but im under alot of stress these days and I just can't handle anything else.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Thank You;
You showed me i can not handle everything on my own. You showed me im not as strong as i like to think i am. You showed me that it is possible to hit rock bottom, more then once in life. Your an obstical in life i thought id never overcome. A constant reminder of everything i hate, in not only the world, but myself. Because of you I now know how easy it is to hide behind a smile, to pretend everything is okay, when clearly it isnt. Because of you i realized there are some things in life just not worth getting upset over, some people in life who just aren't worth it, some situations you'd be better off staying away from, but wheres the fun in that? Life is a huge question mark, waiting to be answered. But when will it ever be answered? When will someone figure out the full meaning of life, so that there are no more questions, no more pain, no more scilent crys, trying to hide behind a smile that just isn't big enough. When will people be able to stop lying for other peoples satisfaction. Only time will tell, after all..isn't that all we have?
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Life just kept getting in the way.
So, im about a month into grade 12, and so far so good. Nothing too exciting has happened. Its kinda stressful tho. Even tho I really only have Math and Biology to worry about this semester, Co-op is frustrating. Also worrying about universities and stuff. I remember when i was in gr.9 & 10 thinking "thank god I have lots of time to figure all that stuff out". Well now it's here and i have no idea what im doing with the rest of my life. Quite frankly life doesn't give you enough time to figure it out, and just when you think you have, life goes and throws you a curve in the road. I hope i figure something out soon, because im running out of time.
And other then school, my life is really complex these days. Some days I feel like i have it all together, and the next i have no idea whats going on. It's a wierd feeling for me because I usualy feel like im on top of everything, but recently it's like im at the bottom. Im finaly back into playing sports, which i would think should be good for me.. but its brought back out the "competivness" in me, and now i find myself getting more angry and frustrated with that. I have anger in my eyes, and suspicion in my voice. My eyes lie for me and my smile helps think everything is okay, but sometimes its not. I guess you can never win in life. I feel like im on a constant rerun of the first couple years of my highschool life. It's like im staring in the movie in back of my head, "This is everything iv always wanted; Life just kept getting in the way". Life seems to always get in the way of the things i want. It never seems to fail when I finaly feel like i have a hold on things, to put someone or something in the way of everything. Happens everytime.
And other then school, my life is really complex these days. Some days I feel like i have it all together, and the next i have no idea whats going on. It's a wierd feeling for me because I usualy feel like im on top of everything, but recently it's like im at the bottom. Im finaly back into playing sports, which i would think should be good for me.. but its brought back out the "competivness" in me, and now i find myself getting more angry and frustrated with that. I have anger in my eyes, and suspicion in my voice. My eyes lie for me and my smile helps think everything is okay, but sometimes its not. I guess you can never win in life. I feel like im on a constant rerun of the first couple years of my highschool life. It's like im staring in the movie in back of my head, "This is everything iv always wanted; Life just kept getting in the way". Life seems to always get in the way of the things i want. It never seems to fail when I finaly feel like i have a hold on things, to put someone or something in the way of everything. Happens everytime.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Forever 17;
| So, i'v actuly spent my whole summer at camp. Well up until this week. It has been amazing, i met some really awesome kids who changed my view on life and about myself. Campers I have met during jr.teen have had the biggest impact on me. The younger ones are cute, but they are so innocent that im scared to answer questions because if im wrong i could alter there views about life for ever. So the older kids I enjoy because most of them have amazing life stories of courage and strength that really open my eyes. I never thought I could care about someone I just met, someone I know If I didn't want to I would never have to see them again after the week. But even after just one night spent at camp with them Its as if I was looking out for myself when I was there age. Something I didn't do, So i can try and prevent them from screwing up like I did. Sometimes it gets stressful though, like im in over my head. Some days I just can't take anymore, and im about to break. Someday I go without literaly talking to anyone, because if I do I will blow up, because im so frustrated and dont have the strength and knowledge to handle some situations. Situations I know the kids feel like knowone can ever understand them. Most situations Iv been through and I understand but there far beyond my controle. Its really frustrating to see someone you care about go through something and know there is not much else you can do for them, they have to help themselves before they can let other people help them. I think that is one thing I have learned this summer. I dunno, im really glad I took the time this summer to volunteer my life at camp helping others. Even at times where I felt like i was no use, times I felt like there was nothing more I could do, times I felt like I wasnt ready for this.. even in those times I always wanted to go back and try. Which is something I just developed recently, because im not one to give up, but when I feel the way I do sometimes.. im surprized I don't make up some kind of excuse to get out of it. Besides that, it was my 17th birthday on Monday! It was soo nice to see some of my friends. I haven't been able to see them this summer because iv been away. And it was really nice to just spend the time together we did catching up and laughing. I didnt realize how much I missed them until I started to laugh. I had no worries the whole night about anything, I was just so happy and smileing, it was so nice to just be relaxed and not stressed out. Iv been home all week and its been really nice just seeing everyone. Srt is next week, its the last week of camp. I dunno if I wanna go back. I mean like, I do more then anything because camp is the best place on earth to me, but im getting caught up in finaly seeing all my friends and its been so great. I feel like I missed so much when I was gone. And the summer is quickly coming to an end. I have friends going to university im never going to see and I could of this summer but never got the chance. I dunno, it kinda sucks I guess, but thats life. Im growing up. (God help my soul) |
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Camp Medley.
So, I just got back from 2 weeks in a row spent at Medley. Now, Atfirst i really didn't want to go, and I thought i was gonna hate it, and that I had grown out of the camp stage. Although this summer I wasn't there as a camper, i was there as an LIT which is like staff. It was VERY different from the 10 or 11 years i had gone as a camper. I had an amazeing time the first week i was there at Boys & Girls 1. The kids were soo cute, and i was in a cabin with amazing staff members. I really felt as if I had grown up alot since last year. I had kids asking me questions that i had been too stubern to answer myself the exact same ones recently. But when they asked me, I answered them to the best of my ability. Questions like : "who is god", "why doesn't god always answer your prayers", "How do we know God really exist", and "Who made God, if God made everything". I had asked myself these questions in the past so many times, and never found the answers until 2 weeks ago.
And then this past week, for Jr.Teen 1, I REALLY got a chance to see who I use to be as a camper. And how frustrated councilers must have been with me, because i was very frustrated with alot of the campers at first, just because of the huge change between age difference in the 2 weeks. I really got to know not only campers, staff and God, but myself as well. Jr.Teen really opened my eyes to who i was and who i am now. To see some of the girls in chaple really broke my heart. I prayed alot alot of them everynight, and by the end of the week, they pretty well all eventually broke down and found god. It was awesome. I also got to pray for people , which was amazeing. I finaly got the chance to repay god for everything and everyone he has put/done in my life, and i never felt so good in my entire life. It was probly the best experience ever and I am so glad I did it. Further more, I can not wait to go back and volunteer for pretty much the rest of the summer!
And then this past week, for Jr.Teen 1, I REALLY got a chance to see who I use to be as a camper. And how frustrated councilers must have been with me, because i was very frustrated with alot of the campers at first, just because of the huge change between age difference in the 2 weeks. I really got to know not only campers, staff and God, but myself as well. Jr.Teen really opened my eyes to who i was and who i am now. To see some of the girls in chaple really broke my heart. I prayed alot alot of them everynight, and by the end of the week, they pretty well all eventually broke down and found god. It was awesome. I also got to pray for people , which was amazeing. I finaly got the chance to repay god for everything and everyone he has put/done in my life, and i never felt so good in my entire life. It was probly the best experience ever and I am so glad I did it. Further more, I can not wait to go back and volunteer for pretty much the rest of the summer!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
LIT
Hey people, okay so, this summer so far has been pretty good. Its only been about 2 weeks and iv already been through more then i can handle. But its good, its teaching me alot about life. For instence, this summer has taught me to forgive, and also that sometimes stress can build up inside you for so long, so much, that eventually you'll brust and do things that, you may not regret, but after wonder if it was worth it. And the hard part to wondering is that, you may realize it was worth it, but you no you shouldn't result tho those types of situations. I don't know, life is a strange thing.
Anyways, in a couple days im going to Camp Medley to be an LIT. I don't exactly know how i feel about this, I know i should feel excited and happy, but instead im kinda scared and really stressed out. I don't know if im ready to take responsibility for other childrens faith, if i don't even have my own figured out. Hopefuly it works out to my advantage, and teaches me some things about mylife I never knew. Im going into the next 2 weeks with no exspectations, therefore i wont be let down if they are not fufilled. I think it should be good though, hopefuly. Im just extremly stressed out to the max at the moment about it. So wish me luck!
Anyways, in a couple days im going to Camp Medley to be an LIT. I don't exactly know how i feel about this, I know i should feel excited and happy, but instead im kinda scared and really stressed out. I don't know if im ready to take responsibility for other childrens faith, if i don't even have my own figured out. Hopefuly it works out to my advantage, and teaches me some things about mylife I never knew. Im going into the next 2 weeks with no exspectations, therefore i wont be let down if they are not fufilled. I think it should be good though, hopefuly. Im just extremly stressed out to the max at the moment about it. So wish me luck!
Monday, June 18, 2007
Summer 'o7 baby
Summer is finaly here!! Wow, my favorite time of year. Gr.11 went by so fast this year, but im so glad its over. Exams went well (so i think) I wont actuly know what i got on them until thursday. Friig, grade 12 next year baby! Thats so werid, like.. I don't feel old enough to be in gr.12, nor do I know what im doing with the rest of my life after it. I had it all figured out, but plans have changed.
So, summer! LIT weekend was sapose to be the weekend that just passed, but it got moved until this upcoming weekend. I was upset about it being moved, but I had the best weekend of my life so now im glad it did! So I have LIT weekend to look forward too (if i go), and sometime after that, 2 full weeks spent at Medley! How exciting! Im also going to Old Orchard Beach in July for some vacation, which I love caz its so like cute and old fashiony. Then In August Im planning on going to New Hampsure for SoulFest2007, which should be a good time also. So my summer is pretty exciting and im looking forward to it! The weather has been pretty nice thus far! Iv been doin some seriously tannage lol. Anywho, im all out of things to say, so when something exciting comes up in the near future I may post something.
Have a good SUMMER:)
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Post TEC.
So, im pretty sure all this week all I could possibly think about was TEC. I miss it SOO much, the people, the singing, everything. I let go of so much when I was there, I had no worries or anything. No hard decisions to make. Then it hit me, the cold harsh reality of the world. The gossip, parties, heartache, betrail... all this stuff surrounds me in just one week. Wether it is towards me or not, I can still see it, all around. At TEC everyone got along, we were all happy, and we all shared a common intrest. Everyone was different, but special in their own way. Everyone could get past the differences for once, unlike this world, difference is a battle people face everyday. I hate it, i hate being involved in it.
I don't belong here, I don't fit in with the lives everyone around me leads. Im fighting so hard to survive, that I loose myself in the process. It happens everytime, and everytime I seem to fail. I dont know how much pain and suffering to stay alive I can take. I am a strong kid, and can take alot more pain then the average person, but someday I wont be able to take anymore.. and i dunno what im gonna do.
I don't belong here, I don't fit in with the lives everyone around me leads. Im fighting so hard to survive, that I loose myself in the process. It happens everytime, and everytime I seem to fail. I dont know how much pain and suffering to stay alive I can take. I am a strong kid, and can take alot more pain then the average person, but someday I wont be able to take anymore.. and i dunno what im gonna do.
Monday, May 21, 2007
TEC 15.
Hey, okay so, I just got back from a long weekend at TEC 15. When I was there I wrote some stuff down about it, so im gonna share with you what it was I said.
Saterday (Day #1):
" Getting akward! I am so not as big of a bible tumper as these people."
"Skits...what an interesting time that will be. So not into this whole God scene. What am I even doing here?"
Sunday Morning (Day #2):
"Okay, so last night was really weird. I was sitting there while everyone was whorshiping and praying and stuff, and I really felt like I should go get prayer caz Iv needed it for SOO long, but I just kinda ignored the feeling and just sat there. Then, Martha came over to me and (god love her, saving me everytime), says "you should go get prayer, I'll come with you." So I get up and very slowly, akwardly walk over to 2 guys (Julien and Terrance) and asked them to pray for me. He asked what I wanted to be prayed for, and I very not wanting to say it said "Pray that I can feel forgivin for my past". So They did, and one of them started talking in tounges and such. Just like freakin out. Then he says: Alyson, Jesus is looking you in the eyes RIGHT NOW saying he forgives you, and I closed my eyes, and the weridest thing happened. I saw 2 eyes looking back at me, and a heart underneath them. Then all of a sudden, I felt like I was being pushed, and started to like, go back and forth, trying to keep my ballance, but my eyes would not open. Then my whole body just totaly let go of everything and I fell onto the ground. As I was lying onto the ground it felt like someone had lit a match inside of my body it was burning so much. All I could see was white, cloud sort of things, and it felt as if I was floating. I was soo light, and the insides of me were shakeing. I could hear everything going on around me, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldnt open my eyes. Aparently that happenes when the Holy spirit comes into your body because he is too strong to fight it, and too powerful and overwhelming for our human bodies. Finaly I was able to open my eyes, it was the weridest thing iv ever gone through in my life!"
Sunday Night:
"I dont know if that was a good thing or not. Im still trying to grasp the fact that ever happened. Why would it happen to me of all people? I most certainly am not anything specail, and don't deserve that. I don't even know where I am with the whole God thing yet. Im always going back and forth, but I never have enough proof. Was last night enough proof? I really don't know, I still find it werid and scary that happened."
Monday Morning (day 3):
"I do not want to go home! This has been the most amazing experience ever!! Im really glad I came, because I really wasn't going to."
So that is just how much God worked in my life in just a little bit of time. Its amazing really, I can't even explain this weekend. but I met so many awesome people and sang my little heart out! Also, what you may not no is. Today I was asked to get up infront of EVERYONE at tec and talk about my saterdaynight experience. I was trying to avoid it all weekend, ignoring the tight chest, heart beating fast, but then I finaly got the push I needed and got up. It was really hard for me because I hate letting people in, and talking about my personal feelings, PLUS, I am hugely afraid of public speaking, so it was quite the challange to get up there. I don't even remeber what I said my heart was beating so fast, and not to mention I cried all the way through it lol. But it was awesome I guess.
So OVER ALL, TEC 15 was the best experience of my life!!!
Saterday (Day #1):
" Getting akward! I am so not as big of a bible tumper as these people."
"Skits...what an interesting time that will be. So not into this whole God scene. What am I even doing here?"
Sunday Morning (Day #2):
"Okay, so last night was really weird. I was sitting there while everyone was whorshiping and praying and stuff, and I really felt like I should go get prayer caz Iv needed it for SOO long, but I just kinda ignored the feeling and just sat there. Then, Martha came over to me and (god love her, saving me everytime), says "you should go get prayer, I'll come with you." So I get up and very slowly, akwardly walk over to 2 guys (Julien and Terrance) and asked them to pray for me. He asked what I wanted to be prayed for, and I very not wanting to say it said "Pray that I can feel forgivin for my past". So They did, and one of them started talking in tounges and such. Just like freakin out. Then he says: Alyson, Jesus is looking you in the eyes RIGHT NOW saying he forgives you, and I closed my eyes, and the weridest thing happened. I saw 2 eyes looking back at me, and a heart underneath them. Then all of a sudden, I felt like I was being pushed, and started to like, go back and forth, trying to keep my ballance, but my eyes would not open. Then my whole body just totaly let go of everything and I fell onto the ground. As I was lying onto the ground it felt like someone had lit a match inside of my body it was burning so much. All I could see was white, cloud sort of things, and it felt as if I was floating. I was soo light, and the insides of me were shakeing. I could hear everything going on around me, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldnt open my eyes. Aparently that happenes when the Holy spirit comes into your body because he is too strong to fight it, and too powerful and overwhelming for our human bodies. Finaly I was able to open my eyes, it was the weridest thing iv ever gone through in my life!"
Sunday Night:
"I dont know if that was a good thing or not. Im still trying to grasp the fact that ever happened. Why would it happen to me of all people? I most certainly am not anything specail, and don't deserve that. I don't even know where I am with the whole God thing yet. Im always going back and forth, but I never have enough proof. Was last night enough proof? I really don't know, I still find it werid and scary that happened."
Monday Morning (day 3):
"I do not want to go home! This has been the most amazing experience ever!! Im really glad I came, because I really wasn't going to."
So that is just how much God worked in my life in just a little bit of time. Its amazing really, I can't even explain this weekend. but I met so many awesome people and sang my little heart out! Also, what you may not no is. Today I was asked to get up infront of EVERYONE at tec and talk about my saterdaynight experience. I was trying to avoid it all weekend, ignoring the tight chest, heart beating fast, but then I finaly got the push I needed and got up. It was really hard for me because I hate letting people in, and talking about my personal feelings, PLUS, I am hugely afraid of public speaking, so it was quite the challange to get up there. I don't even remeber what I said my heart was beating so fast, and not to mention I cried all the way through it lol. But it was awesome I guess.
So OVER ALL, TEC 15 was the best experience of my life!!!
Friday, May 11, 2007
Poetry Reading.
I did something I never thought i'd ever do today. It was quite a good experience actuly, I enjoyed it after it was finished, and my face was finished turning every shade of red possible. Anyways, incase your wondering what it was exactly I did, I went to a Poetry reading at the public library today. Now, you may be like, oh whats the big deal? BUT if you know me at all, you may know 2 things, that I am extremly scared of public speaking, AND that I do not express emotions well. So reading a poem I wrote that is like, about a time in my life, infront of people, with a microphone and everything lol, was a huge deal. And the fact I had to go second didn't help either.
As I got up there, shaking in my shoes, lol I was really nervous of what people were gonna think. As words started coming from my mouth, All i could think was "what in the hell am I doing up here?". And then, by the time I got my mind to unwrap from that thought, it was over. Everyone claped, and I felt goood because I Finaly over came two of my greatest fears. They don't seem like much, but to me they honestly are. Anyways, so I really enjoyed it and im happy I did it.
So that was my excitement for the week. Anywho, im out. Peace
As I got up there, shaking in my shoes, lol I was really nervous of what people were gonna think. As words started coming from my mouth, All i could think was "what in the hell am I doing up here?". And then, by the time I got my mind to unwrap from that thought, it was over. Everyone claped, and I felt goood because I Finaly over came two of my greatest fears. They don't seem like much, but to me they honestly are. Anyways, so I really enjoyed it and im happy I did it.
So that was my excitement for the week. Anywho, im out. Peace
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Accomplishment.. or not?
So I officaily haven't drank in a year. WOW, what an accomplishment...not? Im totaly pissed off and just want school to get over so summer can start. This year has literaly been hell, and not exactly what I barganed for. But what ever, thats over and done with, so heres to the new year.
Anyways, I had to write somthing for english this weekend. Not exactly sure if it makes sence, but I was able to turn it into a nice lil song. So here it is..
My Reason Is You
Like a rain drop,
the mountains fall from the sky
Like an ocean and it's tide,
this heart is ever waiting to find
Like the trees change with season
This soul searches the widths of this earth for reason
reason to live
reason to breath
reason to set your soul free again
reason to love
reason to laugh
reason to save yourself so hearts can mend
Like a rain drop,
the mountains fall from the sky
Like an ocean and it's tide
this heart is ever waiting to find
Like the trees change with season
this soul searches the widths of this earth for reason
And I found you,
in the midst of it all
My reason is You
Anyways, I had to write somthing for english this weekend. Not exactly sure if it makes sence, but I was able to turn it into a nice lil song. So here it is..
My Reason Is You
Like a rain drop,
the mountains fall from the sky
Like an ocean and it's tide,
this heart is ever waiting to find
Like the trees change with season
This soul searches the widths of this earth for reason
reason to live
reason to breath
reason to set your soul free again
reason to love
reason to laugh
reason to save yourself so hearts can mend
Like a rain drop,
the mountains fall from the sky
Like an ocean and it's tide
this heart is ever waiting to find
Like the trees change with season
this soul searches the widths of this earth for reason
And I found you,
in the midst of it all
My reason is You
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Freedom Writers.
So I just finished watching the movie "freedom Writers". I saw it in theaters before but my parents rented it this weekend so i decided to watch it again. It is honestly one of my favorite movies. And it's funny because, I know alot of people who honestly hated it and thought it was so stupid because there was no like "action" or anything to it. But I guess maby I just have a little bit of a soft spot for real life situations. It's a movie I could really relate too, although I was never ina gang, or had somone close to me die froma drive by shooting. I have however gone through hard times, done wrong paths and even though we don't realize it, Life today is a war. It's a war to fit in, to be sucessful, or even just to be happy.
In the movie, the kids depend on this english class as their family. They feel safe in it, and feel that the only good things in their lives, are caused by their teacher. That is exactly like me, however it isn't my english class I depend on, its Camp. I have had this dependance on Camp since I was seven. A dependance that, if I don't have camp, I have nothing. Camp is what saves me from myself. When im not happy with who I am, once or twice a summer, it gives me a little bit of asurence and hope that things could and will someday be different. But someday, I will have to go on in life, and I won't have camp there to put me back together when i break and fall to peices. Just like, when these kids graduate, they won't have their english class to protect them.
This is kind of off topic, but I was watching the specail feautures, and it said how you can tell so much about someone, just by looking at their eyes. It is very true that you can outline a persons whole life story just by their eyes and faceial expressions. Someone at camp once told me, that she could see right through me, just by my eyes. And its strange because she really could, she was telling me things about my life left and right before I even got the chance to.
Anyways, school is slowly coming to an end(thank god)..and summer is deffinitly on it's way judging by the beautiful weather we have been having. Another summer means, another year of camp, and now with each week I wonder if it is my last, especaily this year. It could be the end of the road less traveled.
In the movie, the kids depend on this english class as their family. They feel safe in it, and feel that the only good things in their lives, are caused by their teacher. That is exactly like me, however it isn't my english class I depend on, its Camp. I have had this dependance on Camp since I was seven. A dependance that, if I don't have camp, I have nothing. Camp is what saves me from myself. When im not happy with who I am, once or twice a summer, it gives me a little bit of asurence and hope that things could and will someday be different. But someday, I will have to go on in life, and I won't have camp there to put me back together when i break and fall to peices. Just like, when these kids graduate, they won't have their english class to protect them.
This is kind of off topic, but I was watching the specail feautures, and it said how you can tell so much about someone, just by looking at their eyes. It is very true that you can outline a persons whole life story just by their eyes and faceial expressions. Someone at camp once told me, that she could see right through me, just by my eyes. And its strange because she really could, she was telling me things about my life left and right before I even got the chance to.
Anyways, school is slowly coming to an end(thank god)..and summer is deffinitly on it's way judging by the beautiful weather we have been having. Another summer means, another year of camp, and now with each week I wonder if it is my last, especaily this year. It could be the end of the road less traveled.
Monday, April 09, 2007
A bunch of Crap.
Yeah, so. The month of April..yay? No, umm... im very, well? Nothing.
Im extremly happy exams are over though. I managed to pass all 5. Unfortunatly, my marks were 60, 65, 73, 85 & 90. Sure the last 2 are alright, but the first 3 suck. For some reason I just don't like to study for midterms. There just so pointless and stupid.
Anywho, So lifes been...different. Last weekend I went to church for the first time this year. Martha brought me to the vinyard er something. It was kinda akward, I just felt out of place. Just because like, I dunno, I didn't really feel like I should of been there. With all these people who came to worship christ, singing with the hands raised. And me just standing there with my hands in my pockets, wondering how I got here. I was wondering how I ever got to this place in my life where I am at right now. This constant battle agaisnt everything I ever knew or was. A battle agaisnt myself. Everyday I wake up, and its the same old thing, same old people saying the same old things. How did I get to this place where my best just isnt good enough anymore. Where "all I can be", isn't anything at all. Confusion, frustration, and wonder, is pretty well all my life has been the past year. Im trying so hard, but I really start to wonder if everything I have been feeling, is worth it. If it is worth all the hurt, sadness, and doubt. I remember a time when I was happy and laughed about everything, and cared about nothing at all. Those memories start to fade the deeper I get into this year. I know noone said it's sapose to be easy, but sometimes it makes me wonder if it is really even worth it. Why do so many people choose to take the fun/easy way out? How do we even know for sure, if the fight i am fighting, is even going to amount to something someday? We really don't. Am I just trusting what some people say and think? Well, what about the others? They don't seem to mind.
I dunno, I just like. I figured by now it would get a little easier and I notice myself just getting worse. I just really wish God would help me right now. I am at the point where I don't think I can handle anything else. And for all you people who are saying "God said he wouldn't give us more then we could handle" well I have news for you, the one thing I did learn at church last week is, HE CAN. Like frig, I even went back to church later that night with my friend, because for some reason I felt like we both needed to be there. Like I never learnt what I was sapose to, or I needed to hear it twice? Although both churches were very different and different denominations, I really don't think I got much out of any, because I was too busy standing there, wondering, how I got to this place. Then, yesterday I went back to the catholic church caz it being Easter and all, and I'll tell you I actuly got something out of it. The preist kept repeating something like, people who go to church when ever they "feel" like it, but really believe their christians, are better off not going at all, and not believeing anything. Because if you truely were a follower of christ, you would know that 2 hours of your time on sunday, is nothing compared to the pain and suffering Jesus went through. Well, If all this time I was putting myself through all of this, and not going to church. I guess it was a waist of time, because it ment nothing.
K I dunno, im sorry for all that. I just had a major break down. I guess im just building up with stress and anxiety about trying so hard not to fall, that im falling 10 times as hard when I feel as if I can't take it anymore. I am really in some desperate need of God. Like, you don't even know. This summer really can't come fast enough.
Im extremly happy exams are over though. I managed to pass all 5. Unfortunatly, my marks were 60, 65, 73, 85 & 90. Sure the last 2 are alright, but the first 3 suck. For some reason I just don't like to study for midterms. There just so pointless and stupid.
Anywho, So lifes been...different. Last weekend I went to church for the first time this year. Martha brought me to the vinyard er something. It was kinda akward, I just felt out of place. Just because like, I dunno, I didn't really feel like I should of been there. With all these people who came to worship christ, singing with the hands raised. And me just standing there with my hands in my pockets, wondering how I got here. I was wondering how I ever got to this place in my life where I am at right now. This constant battle agaisnt everything I ever knew or was. A battle agaisnt myself. Everyday I wake up, and its the same old thing, same old people saying the same old things. How did I get to this place where my best just isnt good enough anymore. Where "all I can be", isn't anything at all. Confusion, frustration, and wonder, is pretty well all my life has been the past year. Im trying so hard, but I really start to wonder if everything I have been feeling, is worth it. If it is worth all the hurt, sadness, and doubt. I remember a time when I was happy and laughed about everything, and cared about nothing at all. Those memories start to fade the deeper I get into this year. I know noone said it's sapose to be easy, but sometimes it makes me wonder if it is really even worth it. Why do so many people choose to take the fun/easy way out? How do we even know for sure, if the fight i am fighting, is even going to amount to something someday? We really don't. Am I just trusting what some people say and think? Well, what about the others? They don't seem to mind.
I dunno, I just like. I figured by now it would get a little easier and I notice myself just getting worse. I just really wish God would help me right now. I am at the point where I don't think I can handle anything else. And for all you people who are saying "God said he wouldn't give us more then we could handle" well I have news for you, the one thing I did learn at church last week is, HE CAN. Like frig, I even went back to church later that night with my friend, because for some reason I felt like we both needed to be there. Like I never learnt what I was sapose to, or I needed to hear it twice? Although both churches were very different and different denominations, I really don't think I got much out of any, because I was too busy standing there, wondering, how I got to this place. Then, yesterday I went back to the catholic church caz it being Easter and all, and I'll tell you I actuly got something out of it. The preist kept repeating something like, people who go to church when ever they "feel" like it, but really believe their christians, are better off not going at all, and not believeing anything. Because if you truely were a follower of christ, you would know that 2 hours of your time on sunday, is nothing compared to the pain and suffering Jesus went through. Well, If all this time I was putting myself through all of this, and not going to church. I guess it was a waist of time, because it ment nothing.
K I dunno, im sorry for all that. I just had a major break down. I guess im just building up with stress and anxiety about trying so hard not to fall, that im falling 10 times as hard when I feel as if I can't take it anymore. I am really in some desperate need of God. Like, you don't even know. This summer really can't come fast enough.
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