Second chances

Its easier to fall inlove the first time, then to pick up the peices, erase the heartache, and try to put it all back together again the second time around. Sometimes people just fall in and out of love, its natures way of saying ; theres more to life, now go out one more time and find it.

And so the break ends.

I dont have much to say.. I sort of ran out of the writing portion of my brain. I lost my talent for meaningful blogging. I can barley even write a good song these days. Iv just had alot going on I guess. Hopefully it'll either all go away or get better soon i guess. Thats what im hoping for. Iv just been home for the past week and a half and I go back tomorrow. School's done in like, 5 weeks anyways so its not too bad I guess. I got a job at the hospital for the spring & summer starting in may, and Im doing intersession from may-july so its official, no life for me this summer. But whatev, thats growin up I guess. I can not believe my first year of university is almost over... that is scary. That means, I have 3 more years left to be a kid, be in school, then im out on my own with a career then at some point hopefully a family. Wow, I am so way to immature for that shit yet.

Anyways, yeah ... Theres nothing really I have to say. The topic I usually write about isn't really in my thoughts anymore. Ever actually. Not really a huge deal to me anymore. I think I figured out that worrying about it and trying to live like that just took up too much of my thinking time and also put alot of stress on me aswell. Anyways yeah, im done and going to bed.

Well hello there,
So! I havent writtin in a little bit, because honestly, i had the worst week of my life last week, and i was avoiding everyone including myself, and this blog. But, fortunately i took a trip home this weekend and got to see all my favorite people and had a fabulous weekend full of laughs and it was so great that it made me forget all about my shitty week. AND i wrote a new song, which i really enjoy. It took me a little while, friday night i couldnt play or write a damn thing, then saterday i just started playing "you found me" by the fray, and shortly following i found a new great song in myself. It felt great to play again. I spent the entire day saterday playing when i should of be studying. So now when i fail my midterms, we know what to blame it on.

Okay so, Yeah honestly i just got in a terrible mood so i dunno what to write anymore. I'll get back to you later.

Lord move, or move me. Take your pick?

I cant find the words to pray,
im a little down today,
can you help me,
can you hold me,
i feel a million miles away,
and i dont know what to say,
can you hear me anyway?

What i need,
is for you to reach out your hand,
you have taught me,
that no matter what youd understand.

Lord move in a way,
that iv never seen before,
caz theres a mountin in the way,
and a lock on the door,
im drifting away,
waves are crashing on the shore,
lord move, or move me.


Well, when i started this blog it wasnt suppose to have anything to do with god. Just how good of a day I had. Well, it started off not so great, and very long and boring, from about 8am-9pm. But since then iv just been in this weird happy mood. I havent felt this happy in so long! I don't know why but it just feels like a great weight has been lifted from school. I have the entire day off tomorrow, were going to look at a house, a huge assignment was just answered completely for us, so now i have more time to study for my three midterms! And my weekly famvio assignments have just been ended because shes just going to double our marks. So that is nice because I was beginning to feel uncomfortable reading about abused children. But anyways so yes i just feel releaved and that hopefully this will allow me to catch up in my schoolwork because iv been falling behind in my marks this semester because we've been so busy.

But yeah, the as for the first thing i wrote up there, I dunno where that came from. I just turned on a song i had never heard before and thats exactly what it said. Which is kind of weird because it talks about a bad day, and i was having a bad day today, and whole thing perfectly describes how iv been feeling the past week especially. But now, i suddenly got into a really good mood. So thats odd, maybe its a good thing. If im not so stressed out about school ill have time for myself and to figure stuff out.

They say that time heals the broken; but these days times not on our side- So be ready to be left behind.

1 Corinthians 10:13 (New International Version)
13No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

I have no idea what im doing. I really don't. If 1 corinthians 10:13 is true, then how come I feel as though i cant bear it. Well, once upon a time I did. Because back then it was all i knew. But as the years go by, it all piles up... and that mountain is too high for me to climb, that weight is too heavy for me to carry. And yes, i realize "well let god carry it". but is it really that simple? Asking god to carry it isnt good enough. Iv asked plenty times, but it never truly erases anything. Its always still there, in the back of your mind, like a cloudy sunny sky, waiting to ruin your day. The past creeps up when you least suspect it, when you feel as though things are finally looking up, or when you know you cant bear anymore, there it comes.. to make you fall. I hate falling, I think its my most common direction in life- down. Iv wrote a thousand blogs in the past couples years about your "past" and how it always seems to follow you. I thought i was over it, i really did. I conqured a huge part of my life recently all on my own, but somethings are just too big. How do you erase hurt thats been apart of your life for 18 years. Well, to be fair, lets say 13. How do you erase 13 years of pain anf unjust.

I asked you to pick up the peices of my shattered heart. I did not ask you to put them back together, but to simply pick them up off the ground, so that they may no longer be trampled on. I asked you to hold my heart in your hands, so that i might feel the warmth of your touch on the broken pieces, and have the strength to mend them back together myself. I Waited many years, but instead, you chose to leave them on the ground, and left it up to me to pick them up myself. Unfortunatly for me, the evils in this world around me are much stronger then my own good will, and that evil found those pieces. It found those peices and walked all over them, kicked them around, broken them somemore, and stole some just to make it impossible for my heart to be whole again.

In the first song iv ever written, it says in it "where did you fall down, when you knew you had enough". I think everybody has a breaking point. Everyone has a point where , regardless of what that scripture says, they cant bear it anymore, and they fall. My question is, how long is the wait before were able to get back up?

Another song i wrote, called "she may", is all about a girl, who from on the outside, looks perfectly happy, with a perfect life, but if you look deeper, on the inside, the things the eyes cannot see, but the heart can feel, you would notice that she has a world of pain.

And one of my favorites, is called "unlove you". This song is about all the people in the world who try there hadest to unlove god after they have already experienced his love. Sure it is easy to ignore and block out the things in life you do not know, and never have. But once you've experienced something, once you'v truly come face to face and felt something, its very hard to disregaurd it. But i guess you could say the same goes for hurt. Once you know pain and suffering, and have felt hurt, its very hard to ignore it and pretend it was never there to begin with.

God i wish i had my guitar right now. Music makes everything in my life better. Music is the one thing that can block out all that hurt and pain, maybe not for ever, but for a while. Playing and writing is the best feeling in the world to me. It allows me to escape myown self being, and become anyone i want to be. It allows me to write about everything in the world and make music about it. In a way, its a way for me to turn all of my hurt and pain, into something beautiful. For my ears only ofcourse, but, atleast... down the road, on nights like these, i can listen to it, and remind myself of the day i learnt how to deal with a certain situation through the gifts i was given.

Kindly unspoken, you show your emotion and silence speaks louder than words.