Paper Has More Patience

Second chances

2009-09-05T15:35:00.003-03:00

Its easier to fall inlove the first time, then to pick up the peices, erase the heartache, and try to put it all back together again the second time around. Sometimes people just fall in and out of love, its natures way of saying ; theres more to life, now go out one more time and find it.

And so the break ends.

2009-03-07T20:55:00.002-04:00

I dont have much to say.. I sort of ran out of the writing portion of my brain. I lost my talent for meaningful blogging. I can barley even write a good song these days. Iv just had alot going on I guess. Hopefully it'll either all go away or get better soon i guess. Thats what im hoping for. Iv just been home for the past week and a half and I go back tomorrow. School's done in like, 5 weeks anyways so its not too bad I guess. I got a job at the hospital for the spring & summer starting in may, and Im doing intersession from may-july so its official, no life for me this summer. But whatev, thats growin up I guess. I can not believe my first year of university is almost over... that is scary. That means, I have 3 more years left to be a kid, be in school, then im out on my own with a career then at some point hopefully a family. Wow, I am so way to immature for that shit yet.

Anyways, yeah ... Theres nothing really I have to say. The topic I usually write about isn't really in my thoughts anymore. Ever actually. Not really a huge deal to me anymore. I think I figured out that worrying about it and trying to live like that just took up too much of my thinking time and also put alot of stress on me aswell. Anyways yeah, im done and going to bed.

2009-02-22T22:25:00.002-04:00

Well hello there,
So! I havent writtin in a little bit, because honestly, i had the worst week of my life last week, and i was avoiding everyone including myself, and this blog. But, fortunately i took a trip home this weekend and got to see all my favorite people and had a fabulous weekend full of laughs and it was so great that it made me forget all about my shitty week. AND i wrote a new song, which i really enjoy. It took me a little while, friday night i couldnt play or write a damn thing, then saterday i just started playing "you found me" by the fray, and shortly following i found a new great song in myself. It felt great to play again. I spent the entire day saterday playing when i should of be studying. So now when i fail my midterms, we know what to blame it on.

Okay so, Yeah honestly i just got in a terrible mood so i dunno what to write anymore. I'll get back to you later.

Lord move, or move me. Take your pick?

2009-02-17T23:54:00.003-04:00

I cant find the words to pray,
im a little down today,
can you help me,
can you hold me,
i feel a million miles away,
and i dont know what to say,
can you hear me anyway?

What i need,
is for you to reach out your hand,
you have taught me,
that no matter what youd understand.

Lord move in a way,
that iv never seen before,
caz theres a mountin in the way,
and a lock on the door,
im drifting away,
waves are crashing on the shore,
lord move, or move me.

Well, when i started this blog it wasnt suppose to have anything to do with god. Just how good of a day I had. Well, it started off not so great, and very long and boring, from about 8am-9pm. But since then iv just been in this weird happy mood. I havent felt this happy in so long! I don't know why but it just feels like a great weight has been lifted from school. I have the entire day off tomorrow, were going to look at a house, a huge assignment was just answered completely for us, so now i have more time to study for my three midterms! And my weekly famvio assignments have just been ended because shes just going to double our marks. So that is nice because I was beginning to feel uncomfortable reading about abused children. But anyways so yes i just feel releaved and that hopefully this will allow me to catch up in my schoolwork because iv been falling behind in my marks this semester because we've been so busy.

But yeah, the as for the first thing i wrote up there, I dunno where that came from. I just turned on a song i had never heard before and thats exactly what it said. Which is kind of weird because it talks about a bad day, and i was having a bad day today, and whole thing perfectly describes how iv been feeling the past week especially. But now, i suddenly got into a really good mood. So thats odd, maybe its a good thing. If im not so stressed out about school ill have time for myself and to figure stuff out.

They say that time heals the broken; but these days times not on our side- So be ready to be left behind.

2009-02-16T23:05:00.004-04:00

1 Corinthians 10:13 (New International Version)
13No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

I have no idea what im doing. I really don't. If 1 corinthians 10:13 is true, then how come I feel as though i cant bear it. Well, once upon a time I did. Because back then it was all i knew. But as the years go by, it all piles up... and that mountain is too high for me to climb, that weight is too heavy for me to carry. And yes, i realize "well let god carry it". but is it really that simple? Asking god to carry it isnt good enough. Iv asked plenty times, but it never truly erases anything. Its always still there, in the back of your mind, like a cloudy sunny sky, waiting to ruin your day. The past creeps up when you least suspect it, when you feel as though things are finally looking up, or when you know you cant bear anymore, there it comes.. to make you fall. I hate falling, I think its my most common direction in life- down. Iv wrote a thousand blogs in the past couples years about your "past" and how it always seems to follow you. I thought i was over it, i really did. I conqured a huge part of my life recently all on my own, but somethings are just too big. How do you erase hurt thats been apart of your life for 18 years. Well, to be fair, lets say 13. How do you erase 13 years of pain anf unjust.

I asked you to pick up the peices of my shattered heart. I did not ask you to put them back together, but to simply pick them up off the ground, so that they may no longer be trampled on. I asked you to hold my heart in your hands, so that i might feel the warmth of your touch on the broken pieces, and have the strength to mend them back together myself. I Waited many years, but instead, you chose to leave them on the ground, and left it up to me to pick them up myself. Unfortunatly for me, the evils in this world around me are much stronger then my own good will, and that evil found those pieces. It found those peices and walked all over them, kicked them around, broken them somemore, and stole some just to make it impossible for my heart to be whole again.

In the first song iv ever written, it says in it "where did you fall down, when you knew you had enough". I think everybody has a breaking point. Everyone has a point where , regardless of what that scripture says, they cant bear it anymore, and they fall. My question is, how long is the wait before were able to get back up?

Another song i wrote, called "she may", is all about a girl, who from on the outside, looks perfectly happy, with a perfect life, but if you look deeper, on the inside, the things the eyes cannot see, but the heart can feel, you would notice that she has a world of pain.

And one of my favorites, is called "unlove you". This song is about all the people in the world who try there hadest to unlove god after they have already experienced his love. Sure it is easy to ignore and block out the things in life you do not know, and never have. But once you've experienced something, once you'v truly come face to face and felt something, its very hard to disregaurd it. But i guess you could say the same goes for hurt. Once you know pain and suffering, and have felt hurt, its very hard to ignore it and pretend it was never there to begin with.

God i wish i had my guitar right now. Music makes everything in my life better. Music is the one thing that can block out all that hurt and pain, maybe not for ever, but for a while. Playing and writing is the best feeling in the world to me. It allows me to escape myown self being, and become anyone i want to be. It allows me to write about everything in the world and make music about it. In a way, its a way for me to turn all of my hurt and pain, into something beautiful. For my ears only ofcourse, but, atleast... down the road, on nights like these, i can listen to it, and remind myself of the day i learnt how to deal with a certain situation through the gifts i was given.

2009-02-16T17:01:00.000-04:00

Kindly unspoken, you show your emotion and silence speaks louder than words.

Proverbs 18:13

2009-02-15T22:22:00.004-04:00

Proverbs 18:13
"He who answers before listening— that is his folly and his shame."

for the past little while now ive been trying to find that extra push I use to have iv been searching for that lost soul, the lost disire in my eyes that now just stares a hard, cold, dark. Iv been sitting around thinking, wondering where it all went wrong, what ever happened, and how to get it back. Mainly I was trying to fiure out if I truly wanted it back. Truth be tolf im not sure im ready. Getting it back means a happier me, and im not sure im ready to be that happy. Im not sure id know how to deal with it. I know that sounds stupid, but what i have right now is a care free, rush that gives a false sense of happiness. But its easy and fun and I dont have to try very hard. Its the part of me that just comes natural. The other part is the person I wish I could be. The person I should of been before I messed up. Why does it take many years and accomplishments in life to build sucess and happiness but just one mistake to tare it all down? Iv asked myself this question many times.
Anyways, I guess I just don't know. I thought i just needed to open my mouth and someone would be there to listen, but i guess i had more making up to do than i thought. You cant ask for forgivness from someone a million times and expect to get it. Or, maybe you can..and you get it, but than the trust and loyalty is gone, and all the years you spent trying to build it up, dont mean anything anymore.

Truth be told, I have no clue what im doing, or who i am. Im just a kid with way too much to deal with and not enough time to figure it all out. I needed one more chance, I just needed to be listened to one time, and too maybe let me know I wasn't alone, but you know what, im not so sure the worth is in the wait anymore.

Heres a new topic, but. What happens when your selfisness of messed up life is standing in the way of someone you care about to truly be happy for themselves, because they can't imagine being happy when there best friend is miserable. I really need to snap out of it.

Time

2009-02-12T09:54:00.002-04:00

Have you ever noticed that the world revolves around time? A round fixture with 3 hands and some numbers, controls the entire world. Time time time, not enough time. I wonder what the world would be like if there was no set time for anything, and everything was just relaxed and not rushed. You got things done when they were done. Wouldnt this world be nice? Hectic and unorganized maybe, but it sure would benefit me right now.

My life so far this semester is just a blurr. I do not have time for anything. I have classes all day long everyday, that quite frankly when im finished i just want to pass out or watch a movie and relax. But no, afte 8, 9, 12 hours of school a day, i have to sit down and do more work. Work that i dont think if i actually did it properly it would ever get finished. I have to half ass every assignment, test, reading, that i have to do because if i actually took the required amount of time the professors tell you that you have to put into each class everyday to be successful, well i wouldnt sleep. They say fo every hour of class you have it takes 3 hours in studying and homework to succeed. Well, unless im mistaken, 8 x 3 = 24, and 12 x 3 = 36, so where in the hell is there anytime for sleep in these equations? oh my bad, there isnt, i forgot i was imortal and didn't need sleep to live. Since university i have had no time for myself. I started to cut into study and assignment time to make some time for myself and let me tell you, the suffering of my schoolwork shows. I can either make the minimal requirements of school and have a life, or do really well like last semester and go insain. Its a toss up really, but i think i want my sanity.. i just can't let my mother know that.

What would the world be without numbers?
No time, no measurements, no specific age, no set weight... less complex? I think so. People tend to revolve alot of their lives around numbers. Think about it, some people are obsessed with weight. and i mean obsessd. If they go just one number over what they were last week, they'll stick there fingers down there throat until there one number less then they were last week. People get obsessed with there numbers on a scale, peoeple are in competition everyday just for a couple numbers in pounds. Well, what if there wasnt any numbers? Then, clearly you could distinguish between someone weighing very little, to someone of a larger size, but the unobvious wouldn't make the difference of someone hurting their bodies just to equal out. People would be more focused on what they feel is a healthy weight not what society may think.

Anyways, thats just my little rant for the morning. Im not sure if it had much point im just overwhelmed with the lack of time i have in a day compaired to the amount of work I have. Which leaves me no time for myself, or god. The only time I find to talk to god is when i go to bed, i lay there and start to talk and pray with him, and all of a sudden, I fall asleep right in the middle of it. This can't be good, but at the end of the day im just exhausted. My body is weak and i have no energy. I long for the weekends and even then i spend my saterday afternons, and entire sundays doing school work, and should be spending the rest of it as well.

Tempting, but no.

2009-02-10T20:05:00.003-04:00

I have an issue, i know i know.. when dont i have issues? But this issue is a serious one. My newest issue that I started caring about is sin. Iv always has issues to it but in the last year i havent paid much attention to the fact. However, lately im taking it into consideration.

Have you ever felt like, when you dont pay attention to something and it isnt on your mind, it doesn't seem to come up in your life as often as if you were worried about it? Maybe its just the fact that you dont care and are paying no attention to notice that its there. All i know is that, the past year I havent been faced with such difficult situations as i am faced with everytime i decide to give my life to god, again. Perhaps its the fact that the problems that faced you with sin when you didn't care, are still there when you decide you do. Personally i think its the work of saintan. When he knows your his and you dont care about God then he realizes he doesn't have to try as hard to shove sin in your face because you'll fall for even the littlest temptations. When he notices your trying to find your way back to God he freaks out and tries to throw all your weaknessess at you at once. He'll do anything and everything to rip you away from gods arms. Im currently experiencing it, and i hate everything about it. Im starting to try and be stronger but truth be told; its hard and it sucks.

"And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell"

Matthew 5:30 talks about how, if there is something in your life that is causing you to sin, you need to cut it out of your life right away. Well, sure that sounds like not a big deal and the right thing to do, but how easy is it? How easy is it to just cut people you care about out of your life? Some who have been there longer then you can even remember. I just don't see how that is possible.

Numbers 32:23 "But if you fail to do this, you will be sinning against the LORD; and you may be sure that your sin will find you out"

Something New

2009-02-08T18:26:00.002-04:00

So.. im currently on a 5 and a half hour bus ride going from truro nova scotia to Fredericton new brunswick. Apparently I have quite a bit of time to think back and reflect on my weekend. It went so fast that I haven’t really had a chance to think about everything and let it sink in.

So, what im doing right now is listening to music I have written in the past couple years, and I came across my most recent, which I wrote no more than a month and a half ago called Love Story. This song is about the greatest love story of all time, the story of God’s love for us.

The song goes :
you rise up, you climbed the highest mountains
you speak up, and raise the living dead
you stand up, and the blind they see
you sailed the stormy seas
to get to me
this is the greatest love story,
in history

you rose up, and brought the sun and rain
you spoke up, and made the world in seven days
you stood up, and you put evil in its place
you sailed the stormy seas
to get to me
this is the greatest love story,
in history

I think this is so important, because we don’t realize how special a love like that is. Honestly like come on, how many people can we say raise the dead, make the blind see, brought the sun and the rain, make the world in seven days, conquered evil, and sailed the stormiest of seas JUST to get to YOU. Just to show you his love, just to show you he cares and loves you. He did all of this for YOU, not himself, YOU.

Lately im having a hard time trying to comprehend how something, someone could love me so much, that much, that a love so strong could ever even exsist. Why would anyone do all of that just for me? And your thinking, well he did it for the entire world, but you know what, that’s where your wrong. He would of done all of that even if there was just one of us left here. He does it everyday for each individual when they have struggles and hard times and feel like giving up. I think we all know that, but some of us have a hard time remembering it.

Have you ever screwed up so bad in life that no matter what anyone tells you about how God forgives everyone and everything, you still don’t believe that they could be talking about you? Guilty. I feel this way all the time. So much that I push God and all of these people trying to tell me that he loves me no matter what, away. Because im hard headed, stubborn, and hard hearted. Iv been hurt a lot in my life to know enough not to let people in risking it happening again. People walk in and out of your life everyday that you never could of imagined ever loosing, but I tend to forget it’s the ones that stay that are worth it. I also tend to forget that God isn’t man, he isn’t human and he doesn’t just walk out when things get tough. The problem is I walk out when things get tough. I guess I never thought of this before, but I do to God what I try so hard to avoid because iv had so many people hurt me by doing it. Walking out of your life and leaving when things don’t go as planned. Hmm… never thought of it that way.

Anyways back to this weekend, I could write about it forever because I think it was exactly what I needed. Its funny how things just tend to fall into place when you least expect it. Friday night Krissy and I went to this thing called Rush. Its like an outreach thing in Truro put on for troubled teens and what not. Jokingly before I went I said “oh well then ill fit right in”, little did I know, I really did. Everything that was talked about related to me. And I don’t just mean like, oh everyone goes through it at some point. Im talking hit me DEAD on to what has been going on in my heart and what I have been struggling with, from trusting god, to truly letting the past go and giving it to jesus, to saying your Christian but not living it, to being so hurt by people you can let anyone else in, to thinking there are some things in your life you’ve done that cant be forgiving, and the most important thing, that I hear over and over but sometimes forget it, is that God never left. He has always been here, waiting for me to come back to him. Just like the song “I’ll take you back” by Jeremy camp. It says “Ill take you back always, even when your fight is over now, ill take you back always, even when the pain is coming through, ill take you back”. I think those two lines are so powerful and so meaning full. God knows that we will try to do it on our own, that people will try just about anything to get through something before they will run back to him. But yet he still says, after all of this, when your fight is over and the pain is still there more then ever, as long as you are ready to let him in, he will take you back. There is nothing in this lifetime that God can’t handle. I was told once by a very important inspiring person, that just because I can’t handle something, doesn’t mean God can’t. Truth is I really can’t handle anything that is going on in my life right now, I have never felt so alone, broken, abandoned, stressed and hopeless. BUT that doesn’t mean GOD can’t handle it for me, as long as I give it to him. And I mean truly give it to him. Which is my biggest problem. Im not so sure I know how to do that anymore. Listen to me, I always do this, when I write I become a different person and escape myself and write the things id love to speak, but can’t find the strength to. I say the things I believe in my heart, but my head tries its damnedest to stop me from believing it in my brain. Which causes my second guessings and freaking myself out to run farther away and push god farther and farther away. I need to stop, I know I do, But I don’t know how. I really need a miracle I think, I ask god into my life almost everyday, but do I really mean it? Am I truly giving my life to him or just asking him to fix whats bad so I can walk out of his life again. That’s my problem. Because iv hit rock bottom I feel like this is my last resort and chance but whos to say once iv been lifted up and brought out of the ditch im in, that I wont fall right back into it. Believe me, its happened, over and over again. So in a way I guess I don’t really blame him. He doesn’t know if im 100% serious, and neither do i. I feel it but I don’t always act it. He wants all of me, not half of me. I need to work on that, pray that I find it in me to let go, and grab hold of something new.

I want to hold the hand that holds the world.

2009-02-08T02:09:00.003-04:00

So, i havent writtin in this in a REALLY long time. To be honest, I havent been myself in a really long time. Right now im in a different city, a different province, trying to figure out who i am and where i went wrong. This weekend I decided to take my second trip to truro in the past couple months, to visit a friend who honestly is someone i believe god put into my life specfically for faith and trust when times got hard. Iv been going through a very hard time lately, struggling with my walk with God. I didn't know what i wanted, who i was, who i wanted to be, or how i was doing to do it. I feel like i have been to the bottom on a dark pit with honestly either nowhere to go but up, or to stay at the bottom for the rest of my life.

I seem to struggle with trust, mostly trust in who god is. I tend to get caught up reality and life and get blind sighted by the things that dont matter, that keep me from the things that do. My whole life iv been known to be a fairly strong person, iv been through alot of crap in my life but somehow i always manage to come out on top of things, because i never gave up. Well within the past year, iv learned what it means to give up, to give up strength, to give up fighting, to give up living for what i strongly believed in my entire life. Just because things got hard. I got consumed with life and over whelmed and felt like I haddnt the time for getting hurt by letting god into my life anymore. I felt i could do it on my own because i was invincible. Well it wasnt until a couple months ago where I started to realise that im really not as invincible as i thought i was. I started to realize that i cant do this on my own. Im so scared of getting hurt that im hurting myself by not doing what in my heart i know and believe is right. All out of fear. Jesus says to fear his name, but i think im taking it to a whole other level. I fear having him love me, and ill come up with every excuse in the book so convince myself that he doesnt love me, he doesnt care, and doesnt want to help me.

Lately I have become aware of this, after almost of year of loosing faith and slowly falling short of christianity, I have lost myself. Someone who i once knew and had figured out, i slowly let slipp between the cracks of temptation and time. I feel as if when i loved god with all my heart, like in these earlier postings, evil could never reach me. My mind was so made up and i was so firm that noone could tare me away from God. I think the devil honestly sits and waits, lerking behind you, waiting for that one second that you fall short, that you mess up, that you have doubts and second thoughts and start to question everything. I think the minute he senses this vulnerability he attacks you and temps you with all your previous weaknesses and then some. I think that this time I had so much going on that I finally just broke and couldnt handle anything anymore. I couldnt even handle myself. I push god so far away from me that I had noone and i was completely alone, lost and broken. Broken... no theres a good word that discribes me. Something that was once so beautiful, shattered as it hit the floor, with the peices skattered everywhere, just waiting to be picked up by something even bigger and be put back together. I am waiting to be put back together, but something more greater then i could ever imagine. Something that use to save me as a child, and even a teenager. Something, or someone, i have pushed so far out of my life that I can not even reach my hand out far enough to grab hold of it.

I was told once that, each time you commit sin and each specific thing you are tempted with creates a barrier between you and god. Each time you mess up, your putting more and more barriers up, which is causes god to be pushed back further and further. God can not be near sin, because he is too holy, but he is willing to break down those barriers if you truely, truely ask him to and let him into your life. I think the problem with me is, i dont know what the word truely means. "do you truely believe in him?" "do you truely want this?" "are you truely trying". the truth is, i dont know. I cant even get my own thoughts about the situation figured out.

I read this blog tonight for the first time in ages, and I could not believe it. I have no idea who this girl even was who wrote all of these posts about bible scriptures and gods love. I have no idea... It can take 17 years to build up the walls of gods trust so strong, and less than 1 year to completely tare them down to nothing. I would love more than anything to be that girl again, to have that fire for gods love that burned in her, that passion. These posts were so meaningful and one day ment the world to me. I truely believed everyword, and it honestly breaks whats left of my heart to be broken, to know that a girl so happy with such a strong heart, could totally be distroyed from evil. I am so lost and have been looking to find my way in the darkness for so long now that I realized theres no such things as a way in darkness. There are no paths in the dark that are found, the paths ment taking and worth searching for and finding are the ones that are lit up so that you may have no trouble finding them, as long as you take the time to open your eyes. I think the worlds problem today is people dont take time to really open there eyes and search for what they truely desire. They want everything to be handed to them when they ask for it and can't seem to understand when that isnt the case. or atleast, thats how i feel lately.

This weekend honestly is probably one of the best descisions iv made in a long time. I do believe and always have believed that God puts certain people in your life for a reason, you may not know it at the time, but 4 or 5 years later when your sitting in their house talking about something that could save your life, and they are trying everything in their soul to pray for you and help you, and will give up a weekend just because they know your really in need of someone to incourage you, but with noother way but through god would you have met this person, its then you really realize how god works and the power he has to change lives and plant seeds and friendships in a persons life who for year may have been there lingering, but it wasnt until when god knew you would need them the most, that he watered that seed and made it grow in the nick of time just when you feel like giving up because you have no hope and noone to help you. Without this person, many times would i not of giving up sin to fight for rightousness. God choses people who he knows will have an impact on you, to speak through them, because he knows that when your fed up of trying to listen to him, he will find people who your not sick of listening to yet, because that is how much he loves you. I am very thankful for this girl and her caring heart. She has no reason to care about what im going through or to want to help, but she is a woman of god and he choses to work through her time after time to get to me. And to be honest, it seems to be working.

I could write forever but i may stop because its 3am and i have to get up in 4 hours to get on a bus to go back to the real world once again. I hate leaving, but i got the encouragement that i needed from the person i needed to hear it from so now its up to me to choose what to do with it. Ill get back soon with hopefuly some other things to say. Right now i just need to think.

Goodbye

2008-08-29T12:15:00.002-03:00

Well well well, its been along time. My last post I was worried about graduation being 3 months away, and this one, university is ONE FLIPPIN day away. Yes thats right, I leave for university tomorrow morning. Must be nice? Nah, thats what I thought until I had to say goodbye to everyone and my room was nothing but boxes. and I finally realized Im not gonna survive without my daddy doing everything for me:(. Its a sad hard life sometimes ya know.

Does God Answer All Prayers?

2008-03-16T20:49:00.002-03:00

Does God answer prayer? Some, but not all? Sometimes, but not all the time? Or does God always answer prayer and it's just that sometimes God says no. Could prayer be bigger than God listening and answering? Maybe we need a fresh perspective on how we approach the things in life that compel us to pray.

"Do not pray to God to feed the hungry; when you have plenty of food."

This was the strongest quote I have ever heard in my entire life. My christian fellowship class watched a Nooma video this past week that was all about forgiveness, and god answering prayers. At the start of the video you see nurses in a hospital shaking their head at a man who is hooked up to machines who appears to be unconscience. Later on you see this young girl also in the hospital, who i believe had lost someone in a car accident. It shows the accident scene, an the girl getting takin away in a stretcher, watching her loved one die. We then are shown that the man in the hospital at the beginning of the video was the man who caused the accident, who I believe may have been drinking and driving. At the end of the video, the girl struggles to walk into another hospital room, which is the man's, and she goes and sits beside him and holds his hand, so that he is not alone. Although this man killed someone she loved, and had put her in the hospital, she still forgave him, and went so that he would not be alone. This short video was so powerful It almost made me cry. It opened my eyes and really spoke to me. All through out it someone was talking about prayer and forgivness and if God always answers prayers. Another thing he said was that, God always answers us, it just sometimes his answer might be no. And also, sometimes, the answer to your prayers, for other people, may be yourself. Do not ask God for something, or to help someone, if you yourself have the power to help that person, or make a difference in their lives. Sometimes people just think if they ask God then their good people, but it is stupid to pray to God that someone will finally seak and find him, if you have the power to try and bring that person to God. It is stupid to ask god to feed someone hungry, if you have more then enough food.

This video really made me open my eyes to life and realize alot of what I, myself am missing out on. The message I am choosing not to see. The things I pray that God will heal, when I have the abilitiy to take the broken and peice it back together. I challange everyone who reads this blog, to take that extra step after prayer, and try to find it in yourself to be the answer to your own prayer. Many people are waiting to be helped, lifted up, and healed, some just need someone to love and talk to them. Could you be that person?

www.nooma.ca

The countdown begins; to fade the past, and strengthen the future.

2008-03-09T18:55:00.007-03:00

Our mind is the battlefield for sin-

I haven't writtin in this for a while, and im not exactly sure why. Maby it's because I was too busy trying to figure out my life. Maby it's because im too busy with school to find time to write, or even care about what's going on with me these days. Maby it's because I thought I finally had everything figured out, to find.. I was very far from it. Maby it's because I was trying to pretend that everything was fine, and that I was okay.

There are plenty of reasons for my abence in writting, although im not sure if there even reasons anymore.. or just plain old excuses. I seem to be full of those lately, I have an excuse for everything I do, and everytime I screw up. I really dont think they are valid reasons for anything but as long as people keep believing them im gonna keep useing em.

University is finally settled, nursing it is. And closer to home then I had planned too. But not too close, just close enough. Im starting to realize the reality of graduating and leaving. Starting a new life, but trying not to forget the old. Living on my own, trying to survive on everything my parents have tried to teach me over the years, but never knew I was listening. The truth is, im almost always listening, its just a matter of what I decide to do to prove I was listening. I have selective listening I think. I choose what I think is importance to my life, and listen to what is being said. I think about it, I just don't admit its existance and ware abouts in my mind. Anyways, back to graduation. It use to seem so far away, now it is less then 3 months. Where does the time go? Im not sure if im ready to say goodbye yet. I thought I was, but I really don't know if I am. I mean, some of my friends are goin to be at the school next door, and some even at mine, BUT for the ones who aren't, the ones who are staying here, or going even farther away in the opposite direction, people who I have known my entire life and have been best friends with... 5 an a half hours is really far you know. Its not as far as I was planning on going (17hrs), but for my best friend to be 5 and a half hours away from me, really..really sucks. And my family, I know I say I can't wait to get out and leave them, and a little over an hour distance is close enough, but really. How often am I really going to be coming home? My guess is not often, Im paying to stay away so I minse well. And then my plans for travel in my second or third year to study in another country.. well then im really going to be gone. I dunno, I guess it sounded alot easier a while back, when I knew I had lots of time. Now the clock is tickin, and im not so sure its gonna be that easy. I guess I just know how it feels to loose friends to university and loose touch and watch a friendship fade.. and how hard it is and how weird it feels. And these people weren't my best friends, these people weren't the people I tell everything too, these people weren't the people who saw me cry, they weren't the people who made me who I am, and who mean everything to me. Leaving those people is going to be really hard. The hardest thing i'll ever have to do probably.

Lesson of the day.

2008-02-13T17:07:00.001-04:00

The sin isn't getting weary- the sin is giving up.

Let Your Mess Become Your Message

2008-02-11T18:19:00.000-04:00

I read a book of daily devotions once called "A New Year, A New Me". The following messages I got from that book because I found they really spoke to me towards my life.

"I encourage people to let go of their past, but never to run from it. The only way to gain vistory over the pain of our past is to let God walk us back through that doorway of pain and into victory. No one can achieve victory for us; we have to work out our own salvation. Paul explained this truth in his letter to the Philipian chuch saying : (Philippians 2:12-13)

We have to let God take us through things and let Him work in us so our mess becomes our message. Difficult things that we have endured in our past prepare us for God's blessings in our future."

-Have you ever wondered why you can never seem to let go of your past? Why difficult struggles, or experiences you went through, you can never seem to forget? Have you ever just wanted something to go away so much, and you really convinced yourself that you have forgivin what ever caused you that pain, but it never seems to fade? Somethings in life God wants you to let go of and forget, and He will make those things known to you, and will allow you to let go and forget. But sometimes its the HARDEST moments in your life where you've felt asshamed, failure, defeat.. that you just can't seem to know matter how hard you try- to forget them. Its these things that God wants you to remember because it's in these things that God knows you can use to your advantage. Failure leads to success, and mistakes lead to perfection. God is useing these very hard times to show you something- perhaps to show you "look, you made it through this, you can make it through anything", or maby even to remind you that the knowledge of your mistakes made, could help be known and become awear to certain people around you, so that they too don't make the same mistakes you did. The greatest story of a person is their testimony. It is in that moment that they realize, life was not promised to be easy, fun, or fair. It was not promises to be full of wealth and envy. It was just promised that If you live according to god, to serve him, to minister to others what you know and have experienced- that you would have eternal life.

His Glory Is In Our Weakness

2008-02-11T18:11:00.000-04:00

1 Corinthians 1:27-29

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world to despised things- and the things that are not- to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him."

The Bible says that God chooses the weak and foolish people of the world in order to confound the wise. People always think that they are not good enough. They think that in order to survive, and to matter in the world, is to be strong and wise. The strong and wise people are the people who consistently boast in their strength and hide from their weaknesses. But the people who embrace their weakness, are the people God uses.

Our Hearts Hero.

2008-01-22T17:10:00.000-04:00

It’s times like these when I fall so hard
That I wonder now how I ever got this far.
So many failures fill my mind
And then history keeps reminding me
Of these scars.

When your scars tell the story of your broken heart.

2008-01-20T20:29:00.000-04:00

Well well well, hello self. I haven't comfirmed my hate for life with myself in quite sometime now. So I thought I'd fill you in self.
Exxammmsss... suck. I swear there enough to ruin a persons life sometimes. Especially when, for one exam you don't even have to show up for and you would still get a better mark then half the class. And the other, you can't even pass unless you pull some kind of merical out of your ass and get a 73. AND even worse, there on the same day! jeeze. Oh well, wish me luck caz i'll be needin it.

Anyways, other then that; life is pretty good I sapose. Aside from exams, and university stuff, and the stress that comes with it, life is pretty good. I can't really complain. Today was one of my better days, finally all the waiting for someone to grow a backbone, to stick up for themself, to finally move on and let go, finally that person learnt how it feels to walk away. But not only to walk away, but to keep on walking and not look back, wether or not the person your leaving behind, is drowning in an ocean of tears and can't be helped. Wether or not that person is being slowly washed away by the things she finds strength in. Wether that person's scars start to tell the story of their broken heart and they bleed just to know their alive. It's time you let that person learn on their own, and fend for themselves..even if that person's worst enimie, is exactly who there about to become. It's better this way. After all, you can't always hold on forever. So this is where i'll be okay, when your gone.

When the truth comes out; all thats left is the one you never knew.. [me]

2007-12-15T12:18:00.000-04:00

In my last post life was a little bit stressful. Okay, life was alot stressful. Infact, it was so stressful I just couldn't take it anymore, to the point where I was literaly going insain. My whole personality changed completly. Since then, things are starting to look up for me once again. I think the root to all of my problems is that I try way to hard sometimes to be someone im not, just to make other people happy. One person inperticular, and im not even sure why. But I lie, and pretend, just to try and hide the true facts of life, just to shut them up, just to make everyone happy. It's really stressful you know, to be me. To be someone who is so afraid of letting people down, of hurting people, of dissapointing people, to be someone who is more afraid of these things, then the results of what will happen when the truth comes out.

I just really don't know what to do anymore, everytime I think I found myself, who I really am.. there I go making myself feel bad again, there I go putting other peoples thoughts ahead of my own, there I go digging myself a little more into the ground eachday, there I go watching my sanity pass me by. People always tell me "if people don't like you for who you really are, then there not worth anything". Well, I hear that, and I want to believe that.. but the person who I am doesn't want to act upon that.

I dunno, grade 12 is stressful, life is stressful, everything is just to stressful.
but im happy; just stressed, but happy.

Yes..

2007-12-07T20:13:00.000-04:00

Well I haven't had much to write about lately. My life has been pretty complex the past couple weeks. Just filled with lots of frustration, confusion and stress. Once again my parents play a huge factor in all 3 of these complex addtions to my amature teenage life. And to add to all of it, Christmas is in like eightteen days. So not ready, so not really excited, so don't really care.

Ontop of all this crap, yesterday was the worst day of my life. I received the phone call i was dreading for the past month. So that just didn't make life any easier. I don't really wanna talk about it, although someone did tell me I can't sit around bottleing up all my feelings and everything about the situation, and that I should talk about it. But right now, I really do not want to. I don't think it is that important, I'd rather just ferget about it. Because as we all know, that's what I do best, forget. And lately, my only escape from this world, (music) has been a complete block, and I haven't been able to write anything in quite awhile. A little six year old boy today said the most meaningful thing iv ever heard a six year old, or any age'd kid say..
"What my mind says with words, my soul says with music."

Anyways, what ever.

Paper has more patience than people.

2007-11-26T20:33:00.000-04:00

Do you ever wonder why people just don't listen? When do people actuly know that enough is enough. You can warn a person with flashing lights and a fog horn not to further continue something, yet still, the proceed with caution. But maby this time caution isn't enough. Maby this time you should just stop completly and turn away. Just to be safe. Better safe then sorry they always say. Well, im beginning to think that is true. Because iv been stayin on the safe side of things, and the minute you try and cross that side, you end up sorry with no going back.

Someday soon I am going to turn around and walk away.. and im not going to look back once. I am going to walk away right out of your life, out of everyones life. I am not going to have the chance to think twice about it either. I will get my plane ticket and my bags and I will never see you again. If this is going nowhere fast, and im going somewhere soon.. then we minse well just quit now while were ahead. This was the peice taken out of the bottom to make the rest fall.

Someday sorry isn't going to matter. Someday friendship isn't going to matter. Someday all of this isn't going to matter. Someday , real soon.

This came to me last night while I was lying in bed trying to sleep but I just couldn't.

why do you pretend that your okay
when your not
why do you laugh and fake a smile
just to please the crowd
why do you try to stand up tall
when your falling apart
why do you run and try to hide
when your not that hard to find

This time im not gonna let it hurt this bad. This time it's all going to be okay.

The value of life; taken for granted.

2007-11-25T00:26:00.000-04:00

Hm.. the concept of life? What is it? Do we really know? Do we really understand the value of life? Or do we take it for granted. Some people believe that you should live each moment as if it were your last, so make sure youre having a good time. But, could that be what is causeing the end of some of our lives? People who are living just to have a "goodtime". The people living their lives as if each moment were their last, could possibly just be setting themselves up for it being their last moment. Sometimes those peoples "fun" gets out of hand, and leads to serious consequences that could lead to death. Is that little bit of fun really worth your entire life? Is it really worth your chances of graduating, going to university, falling inlove and getting married, haveing a family, living on your own. Is it really worth never having the chance to prove all of those people wrong who told you that you were going to go nowhere in life, who didn't believe in you, who told you that you weren't good enough? I think people are too busy living their lives to the "fullest", to realize there is no such thing. You never know when your time is going to run up, you never know when your life is just going to shit the bed, and you especaily never know when other peoples lives may end.

I don't know, I just think people are too busy and too concerned with having fun, that they are to blind to see that they need to grow up. These people seriously need to get a hold on their own lives, stop worring about other peoples, and get there selves together. Because, sooner or later, their going to realize it, and it is going to be too late. Noone is ever garunteed more time, extra life, that last minute to tell someone your sorry or that you love them.

Lately I find myself getting to caught up in having a good time. Making sure my grade 12 year is the best yet. Doing everything without a worry in the world, because in 8 months from now I am going to have the oportunity to start over. But honestly, it is just recently making sence to me that noone even garunteed me those 8 months. But i mean, I say this everytime, that im serious, that im going to get my life together & chill out. But its not as easy as it seems. My life is a little more complicated then that. I am a little more complicated then that. The difference between me and other people is, they do this for themselves and to have fun, I do this because its all i know, and im trying to ignore everything else, and hurt other people, but hurting myself. I don't do it on purpose, it's like i'v said before, Its alot easier for me to hurt other people then it is for me to care for other people, and even care for myself. I think everything is a big joke when it comes to death and stuff, because i don't realize it really can happen. And iv just been shown it can and does happen. Although, the strange thing is, I really don't know if it bothers me. Infact, I don't think it does. Hopefuly some day I will realize I need to stop before I get out of hand. And loose the "don't give a shit" attitude i'v had goin on since I was like 12.

It is, what it is.

2007-11-20T22:43:00.000-04:00

Its been a bad day, you've been looking back
And all you can see is everything you wish you could take back
All your mistakes, a world of regrets
All of those moments you would rather forget

You know you can't stay right where you fell
The hardest part is forgiving yourself
But let's take a walk into today
And don't let your past get in the way

Well that was the hardest thing I think I will ever have to do. I guess I finaly realized, that a part of growing up, is making sacrafices for yourself, to make other people happy. Im not usualy one to think about other people before myself to be honest. But i think this was a wakeup call. To remind me, I am almost an adult, and Im going to have to start acting like one, my child hood is coming to an end, now theres nowhere to go but up. A chance to start over, start new, a fresh beginning, with new people, city, school, and situations. But im telling you this, It wasn't sapose to hurt this bad. Trying to help someone else, was not sapose to make me feel like this. But i guess if its what you have to do to help other people, then it is what it is. Even if it just put me through the worst pain of my life. I honestly never new the salt from your tears could burn your flesh so bad on your skin if you already have a cut. Like, my tears actuly BURNT my face, like, its all red blotchy, and stings. But i guess its the price you pay when you screw up bad and find yourself at the end with no way to fix it this time. This is why I don't care. This is why I don't let people in. This is what always happenes to me. You put people in my life until I learn to care, and when i finaly do, you go and take them from me. This is why I hurt; You are the reason. You do this to me everytime. You think I would of learned by now. But i finaly thought things were different, they were starting to look up for me in highschool. But then you go, and remind me once again, that you give and take away. But this is why I gave up on you, this is why I hate you. This is what you do to me. So I hope your happy, because you've sucessfuly managed to ruin my life once again, so thanks. Thanks alot.

But now its time to move on, to let go, and to imbrace the new life coming to me in a couple of months. If i don't stop acting like a kid now, I never will.

I just really never knew it could hurt this bad. It really wasn't sapose to, i was sapose to be fine. I was sapose to not care. I guess things don't always work out the way I plan them eh? But it is what it is, and it is just history.

I think you need it; but maby im wrong.

2007-11-18T18:20:00.000-04:00

"It's like she's trying to make me feel like right the bad person, and I know im not"

Aparently im not the only one whos used this phrase lately. Aparently im not the only one who thinks this. Aparently were more alike then I thought. I have had one of the most carefree, rushful & hilarious weeks of my life. I forgot what it was like to not care, to not have a worry in the world. The thrill of a risk, the risk of getting introuble, the life im good at. You can't change a person.. you can try, and think that you'v been sucessful, but really within time, you'll realize you failed. Trust me, iv tried.. it just doesn't work out the way you want it to. Anyways, like you once said, "forgive & forget", without the forget. Well, im gonna do better then that, I am going to forgive myself for all the stupid things iv said and done, & forget you ever existed. So feel free to do the same. Im done making your life "miserable" (so you say), im done making you cry. Im not gonna be the one responsible if you fail, or if you do something stupid (and you know exactly what im talking about). So im sorry for all the "misery" iv caused you.

Theres just one thing I don't understand though.
What I don't understand is, if you didn't let it go by now, does that mean you exspect things will somehow and at some point get better? Do you think that this will all dissapear like last time? Because im here to tell you, I honestly dont think, no i honestly know, that there is no possible way for this to get better. It's possible for this to be forgotten about, all you have to do is stop talking about it. Trust me, it does get easier, but not until you stop careing and start letting it go. You claim you let go of things, but really I know you don't. You hold onto them until they make you break. You set yourself up for "misery" and distruction, and then you point your fingers to blame. If only you just realized what I realized and noticed what I noticed then it would be alot eaiser on yourself. Im doing this to you as a favor, because I know you don't have anyone to talk to. I know your bottleing up everything inside of you instead of writing it down. I know your sitting at home, and all you can think about is how much you hate your life, and that your parents are never home and keep naging you about being okay. I know how much you hate that, or atleast claim to hate it. I know the people you gling onto, don't always have time for you, they don't always realize there alot older then you and you just haven't realized it yet. I know they don't mean to hurt you, but they do. So kid, all I have to say is, I hope you've realized by now, you cannot depend on others for your happiness, you cannot depend on others for your sanity, you cannot depend on others not to hurt you, and you cannot depend on others for your survival. But you also cannot blame others for your hurt, for your brokenness, for your unhappiness. Because you are the only one incontrol of your life. Not your best friends who cause you more pain then you can bear, but somehow you still act like you don't care. Not your family who doesn't realize theie never there, when you need them the most. Not the older kids you look up to, when there's really nothing to look at. You are the only one who can make this easier, and make this get better. So this is my last post to you, only because I have a feeling you might need it.

It's not up to me anymore, If you want me in your life, you'll find a way to put me there.

Just Me.

2007-11-17T23:42:00.000-04:00

Everybody wants what they dont have
just a little bit more wouldn't be so bad
It's a funny little thing/ It's kind of sad
I've squandered everything i have

Are you anything like me?
Is it possible all anybody needs
Is a little more love?
Be the hands the feet
Would it make the world believe?

I dont know
Maybe it's just me
I've got plenty things wrong
it's kind of strange i know what's right
but it's hard to change

I'm in the middle of a phrase
I'm afraid to say
How long can I look the other way?

I've wandered for so long
Seems like I've been down this road before
so alone and fading from the light
I feel your existence
Even now I have to close my eyes
Echoes in my head are feeding me lies

I'm lost in emotion
Overtaken by my every breath
Finding strength I never knew I had
A promise
A let down
Back to where I did not know myself

I heard you say that life has worn you down
And thrown you to your knees.
But this is not your crown
It's just something that brings you down

I keep on telling myself
That I am going to make a change in life
Do you think that I can make it?
Pressing on with life
I walk beside things that tear me apart
This is not my crown
It's just something that brings me down

oh life. :)

2007-11-17T00:09:00.000-04:00

So, aparently this blog is getting alot of attention lately? But not because I want the attention, its because someone else does. Which we all already knew anyways, so really its no surprize. But I wouldn't want no police at my door, I can't afford anymore of that shit so your famous attention seakin post will sadly be deleted. Sorry. And im not "making" anyone hate you. A person can't force someone to dislike someone, thats impossible. In the end, the person makes the final discision. But anywho, enough about you.

So... school, reportcards..hmm. I got a 92 in bio which wasn't too bad i sapose, 92 in coop which also aint to bad, 86 in art.. and we will not speak of my math mark lol. But i still have an 80.25 average anyways so what ev. Except my parents claim to be taking my computer away from me. Magine the day that ever happens? lol its actuly sapose to already be gone.. haha yeah right. My parents are funny people im tellin ya. In other news mr.maxwell shit his pants at me and threw my books on the floor , lol it was quite the scene, thought he was gonna hit me. But other then that, Life is just great. Havent figured out the whole school situation yet, or my attitude problem..lol but other then that.. life is just lovely.

Yup.

2007-11-15T22:11:00.000-04:00

It brings pleasure to my eyes; to see you hide behind that discise. Why do you hold onto, the things that fade away? Why do people i'v never met; seem to always know my name? Do you think its breaking my heart to see you in so much pain? Caz it's not. It's not like your going a stray, im just trying to say goodbye to yesterday. I see the pain in your eyes, of all the things your holding tight, so afraid to fall you dont even try. Your giving all you'v got just to survive. But thats the price you pay when you play around with fire. It's like your soaked with gasoline, light a match, and exspect not to bleed. If you thought this would be easy, think again. This is the way it's gonna be, up until I leave.

You cry, I laugh.
You frown, I smile.
You run, I hide.
You fall, I stand.
You break, Im not picking up the peices anymore.

Im awaiting results not every 17 year old wishes to hear. Its the kind of shit you don't mess around with. But when you'v heard it all before, and this is like the millionth time, you tend to laugh it off, because it's no surprize, and really.. laughing is all you have left to do. At first I was excited it was finaly gonna happen, and i could finaly get it over with, now im not so sure. Now it's become reality, i can't ignore it anymore. Im going to know for sure soon and im praying to god that everythings going to be okay. I can't take anymore stress on my life right now. But, you'll never know.

Why Do You Hold Onto, The Things That Fade Away?

Stop pretending you DON'T CARE; & start pretending like you don't know how to HATE.

2007-11-13T21:44:00.000-04:00

Well, things are looking up recently. I spent the entire day today uptown at the jewish museum (which i never knew exsited). Turns out its a pretty cool place. I was one of three people chosen from my school to go represent it at a "Holocost Study Group" so they call it. Its where a large group of teenagers from highschools in district 8 & 6 get together and learn about the holocost, what happened, what people went through, and to make sure it never happens again. The holocost is something that should never be forgotten, over 6 million people were tortured and killed, just because of their beliefes, because they were different. And about another 5 million killed because of their race, and other reasons. It is the worst example in history of stereotypic preadjust that cost millions of people their lives.

This day filled of many videos, books, pictures, artifacts, and survivor stories, really made me think. It made me think about how lucky I am to live in such a free country. How lucky I am to have my family, to have someone to love me. It made me realize how fast people you love and care about can be taken away, with no explination, no reason. So from today on im going to cherrish everyone I care about, and instead of pretending I don't know how to care, I'll pretend like I don't know how to hate.

In other news, my MRI's tomorrow.. that should be interesting. I don't know wether im excited to finally have it and get it over with, or scared shitless of the possibilities to the results. But im sure they'll be fine, just like always, im always fine..everything is always fine. Because i am always okay. Except, this time, as long as the results are fine.. then i really am gonna be okay, and i really am gonna be fine, because my life is in a good place now. Well, besides my family, and school, and my friends, and everything about me. So I guess I lied, but what else is new, i always do.

Removeable shadow; Of a concrete girl.

2007-11-12T21:30:00.000-04:00

"deactivate" Click..

and then your left without a trace; and nothing more then memories based.

If your trying to run, then run faster.
If your trying to hide, then hide better.
If your trying not to break, stop trying.
If your trying to fool yourself, start laughing.
If you think you can do this, think again.
If you think your better then them, prove it.
If your fighting to survive, give up.
And if you think you can win, you've already lost.

Making everything, from nothing.

2007-11-12T15:45:00.000-04:00

Does it make sence, to care about someone so much..that in order to help them and yourself you may need to just let them go. If you think that they would be better off without you, isn't it just better off you say goodbye now while you don't have to , rather then later when you have no choice? Atleast, thats how i see it. I would rather hurt someone on purpose, then hurt someone and not have any choice. I dunno why, thats werid im aware. But i guess I like to be incontrole of my life, i dont like feeling like I don't have a say in things, even if it is hurting someone so much, that it ends up hurting me twice as much to see it happen.

I don't really know what im doing, i don't know how to deal with people who care i guess. Its stupid I know but, I dunno. I guess this summer really changed me. It forced me to grow up, and think outside of the box. It forced me to help other people, instead of getting helped. It opened my eyes to a way and feeling that people have and had towards me, when all i did was ignore them and hurt them even more. It taught me how to care for people, and to realize I could make a difference in other peoples lives. But, thats where I may have gotten a little too much over my head. The part where people look up to me, when theres nothing to look at. The part where people exspect answers, when i don't even know the qestion. The part where people exspect me to show them that I care, when im to afraid to..infear I might hurt them.

By the way, i just watched a movie..that may have been the most meaningful movie iv ever seen. I recomend seeing it at somepoint in your life. Maby when your at that point of giving up, or the point where all you have to look forward to in life is "fun". When your at the point where nothing has true meaning towards you. This movie will teach you that you truely don't have anything, until you have nothing. The movie is called "The Ultimate Gift". Rent it, it's good.

Have what you want; But like what you have.

2007-11-08T20:55:00.000-04:00

Continueing from my previous post, I have had some time to think..about life and such. Iv had a little bit of time to try and figure things out. Now, things are not totaly figured out and put back together, although id like to think they are, but they are slowly mending back together. Things are slowly starting to look up for me these days. I know what I want, and what I don't want. I know what I have to do, and what I can't do, in order to achieve it.

I have finaly realized that, life isn't going to be perfect, life isn't going to be fair. There are always going to be complications, dislikes, & dissapointments. There is always going to be someone, pushing you, putting pressure on you, someone who exspects more then your very best. Someone who cares so much about you, that they want you to have even more then your capeable of having, more then they have, they want you to be more then perfect. And there are always going to be times when you let these people down, because..noone's perfect, noone can do better then their very best, noone can stand strong and not fall into the pressures of life. And then theres sometimes in life, where you have to learn to give up what you love, so you don't dissapoint someone who loves you. Somethings in life you think you can't live without, but really.. there just getting in the way of what you need so you can live.

It gets better, trust me.
It gets easier, trust me.
You'll always please everyone; I lied.

I have finaly decided to take my own advice. I have finaly realized that I can not do this by myself. I can no longer hide behind a smile. I can no longer pretend that everything is fine, and that i have it all together; when I dont. I need more. There has to be more. I am finaly willing to try. I have gotten back into the swing of things. Iv been slowly thinking about god, and christian values. And remembering how happy I use to be, how much less stress was on my plate, because I knew god would handle it. Recently iv just been trying to handle and deal with everything on my own, and you know what... It Just DOESN'T Work.

Encouragement

2007-11-07T08:23:00.000-04:00

Okay, so my life is getting a little bit better then my previous posts. I had an encouraging talk with someone last night and it made me realize my stupidity. School is kinda of looking up for me, i got around a 90% on my biology midterm. We wont talk about my math..lol i dont know my mark yet but im assuming it isnt good. The rest of my other marks are high 80's-90's so im not complaining. My household parent situation seems to be dying down, although the akwardness is still there. I am finaly starting to get my life back together I think. This will be a good turn around point to me, my life crisis is slowly coming to an end.

Just when I thought it couldnt get any worse.

2007-11-04T22:22:00.000-04:00

Okay, now im really starting to get pissed off. I don't think things could possibly get any worse. I am actuly quite confident that they couldn't. What do you do, when you've hid something, no actuly, your entire life, from someone..someone who trusted you, someone who thought you were "perfect", someone who was proud of you.. and they finaly find out the truth. And im talking about the ENTIRE truth. Not just half, or a little bit...the whole damn heart broken truth. A parents worse night mare- the day they find out their child couldn't of possibly screwed up anymore then they already have. The day they find out their child is nothing but a liar, and a dissapointed, and theres nothing they can do about it. I am just pissed beyond beliefe. Like, my life could quite possibly not get any worse. I am really getting sick of all this. It just keeps coming, one thing finaly ends and another starts. I seriously hate everything about this year. I am getting as far away as possible for university its not even funny. And I could care less if I ever saw anyone again. I need a new start, new life... a new family would be nice too. Please, I can't take this anymore, get me out of here. I am quickly breaking into a million peices and knowbody knows, & i'd like to keep it that way. Uggghhh

Bad timing.

2007-10-30T22:08:00.000-03:00

Okay, So why is it that.. everything ALWAYS seems to fall apart at exactly the same time. Nothing ever just gradually falls apart and starts to suck, it just all at once hits you. Well atleast that is the case for me. I really don't know what to do. I am falling apart, real fast, and real hard. The one person I could really use right now, the one person I actuly enjoy talking to, the person I can tell everything to and somehow manages to make everything seem alot better then it really is.. is gone away from me for over a month. I really don't know what to do, I need someone to talk to, to freak out at about life..someone to make me smile and forget about all the gay crap going on in my life right now.

*Miss you.<3

You Don't Know Me.

2007-10-28T02:01:00.000-03:00

Hm.. so after 5 years, i finaly got busted. My parents oficialy know about the drinking, its just too bad there a little too late. I must say, today was the most akward conversation I would say I would ever have to have with my mother. I don't even know like, what to think? She was like, pissed/upset/surprized. I mean really, i dont see what the big surprize is, if it took her this long to figure it out, i must be really good at hiding who i really am. Its pretty sad when even the person who brought you into this world, can know nothing about you. So for those of you who know me, don't be surprized..if you really don't know me at all.

Iv stated before in this blog, that i am very good at hiding behind a smile. I am very good at faking a whole identity of someone im not, im very good at pretending im the "gurl who has it all together", when really, everything has already fallin apart.

Every teenager has had or will have there stage in life where they rebel and don't listen to their parents, and infact, do just the exact opposite just dispite them. Every teenager goes through hard times, times where they just don't think they can do it anymore. Times where the only thing that is standing in their way, are the people who care the most about them. Times when the only way out of all of this stress and unknowingness is drinking or what ever it may be. But me, my stage.. my stage is my whole life. I cannot escape it. A very good friend once said to me: "you are who you are, you can never change. You may think you can and have and you can try, but it only last a short while. Because deep down inside, this is who you are." I tried to prove him wrong, and i almost did, for almost 2 years.. until I finaly hit rock bottom, and my life came crashing down. When i finaly gave into everything that was trying to pull me back down. Some people don't understand, that somethings in life, just aren't worth fighting for. Somethings in life you just arent strong enough to over come them. Somethings in life you can not get through without your friends. And tell me this.. how are you sapose to be helped by friends, when they are going through the same thing. They are the ones bringin you down. Its the harsh circle of life people. You can't have everything, although we like to think we can, reality is..we just can't.

Someone asked me "is this what you want. Is this really who you want to be?" But do we really have a choice? Personaly I don't really think we do. I think someone along the road put the idea in everyones head that we did have a choice to be who we are. But really, i think our lives have already been decided for us. They'v been decided since god assigned us to our parents. I think this because, Kids are the spitting image of their parents. Its not who they want to be that they become, its who their parents raised them to be that is who they are. Well, unless ur the exception like me, and do the exact opposite of what your parents tell you to do, and let them believe for 5 years that their child is a little angle. Let them believe for 17 years that they raised you so well, that your not like all the other teenagers out their, that your not a dissapointment to them.

These next few weeks, or like month, is going to be really hard. Alot of stuff is going on that im not quite sure how its going to be handeld. So it should be interesting.

Song I wrote today

2007-10-23T19:56:00.000-03:00

when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart

shes calling out your name
wont you come and heal her pain
caz shes sick of going crazy
and its driving her insain

when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart

shes reaching out to you
shes starting to loose hope
shes starting to give up
caz day by day shes finding she cant cope, and

when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart

shes searching for an answer
for the questions of this life
how much longer could it take
just for her to get it right

when she falls she falls so hard
she breaks the broken then falls apart
she wonders when her time will come
for you to reach out and save her

shes falling down
shes falling
shes falling down
and you cant save her now

& when she falls; she falls so hard.

2007-10-22T21:59:00.000-03:00

So just when things were finaly starting to look up for me (minus my new concussion), ofcourse they would go and turn it all upside down. I was finaly really happy, and had no complaints. Even the concussion for the past two weeks never got me down. I had the best weekend of my life, met the nicest person ever. And now it's all going to be taken away from me. Obv, caz that always happens. I dunno, im getting a little bit frustrated with life in general these days. I hate hate HATE school. And concussions, and people, and just pretty much everything. I don't know why this always happens to me. Its like im suck prone er something, along with accident prone.

I hate when this happens caz im not one of those people who slip up a little bit, or get a little sad or frustrated for a short period of time but doesn't let it affect the rest of my life. Im the person who holds on for so long until shes about to break, and cant take it anymore... until I finaly let go, and fall harder then the last time. I try way too much to be strong because I don't like to depend on other people to make things easier on my life. I try to conqure the world by myself, and day by day im learning more and more that I can't do that anymore.

When I was younger things use to go wrong in my life but I could just ignore it and brush it off my shoulder. Back then I could just say "someday i will look back on this and laugh". And you know what, when i look back on things from middle school and elementary school I do laugh, alot. But as I got older I realized I don't have the patience that i had 5-8 years ago. Anxiety collects over time, and eventually, you end up in gr.12..not being able to handle all the pressures life throws at you about university, friends, guys, lifestyles..etc. Stress Stress Stress.

The only thing that changes over the years are the ways in which people tend to deal with stress. They don't have the imagination they use to so instead of saying "we'll just laugh about this later", teenagers tend to turn to quick fix's..becauses thats the only way they see is out. So they waist their lives away on drugs and alcohol instead of figuring a normal more civilized way out. Like talking to someone, learning how to handle and deal with stress more easily. If only it worked that way, instead..because of life's crap, people are forced to sit back and watch their friends and people they care about, waist away to nothing as their brain gets fried or there liver fails and they end up dieing. Yes thats right, death can be a result to stress. Stress can lead to hard drugs, alcoholism or even suicide (which is less common but happens).

I don't really know what im getting at with all of this. But when will the confusion, frustration and depression end? When will people finaly grow up and realize they can't always run away from their problems. Its funny when I say "grow up" because really, i think they need to "grow down", because kids seem to be the innocent ones who don't seem to let anything bother them longer then 2 minutes. Kids today worry too much about growing up. They want to grow up too fast, so fast that they try drugs, alcohol, sex..etc, and it ends up ruining their child innocence. My advice to young people is to not grow up. Try and stay young as long as possible, it will help you in the long run. When i was little I always use to wish my life away because i wanted to be in highschool. Then i wanted my liscence... then i wanted to be in grade 12, now That i have everything I ever wanted. All i want is to be a few years younger with less things to worry about.

God Is Out To Get Me.

2007-10-13T19:50:00.000-03:00

So i got to go for my second ambulance ride this morning. Im starting to get pissed off at life. Im always getting hurt. My LAST day of fieldhockey, like fuuccck. Some tank ass bitch HAS to slam her 500 pound body into my head. She just HAD to. I was finaly just getting over a concussion that ruined my life for a good year n a half. Now I get to do it ALL over again. Im soo pissed. Like, everytime I finaly start to like my life, somethings serious comes along and happens to me to ruin my life some more. I swear God's out to get me these days. Like seriously.

Break Me

2007-10-09T18:12:00.000-03:00

Have you ever, ever crossed your heart, ever hoped to die
Have you ever, ever fell apart, ever told a lie

This is the story of my life these days. Im so confused. I have no idea what I want. Well actuly, I know what I want, but I also know what I want and can't seem to have. It really is complicated you know, life. Sometimes I just think it sucks. Really, how is it that I can figure out a complicated 3D puzzel, or even put together a computer desk, without instructions..even though they are there if I need them. But the one thing I can't figure out, as hard and as much as I try, over and over again, doesn't come with instructions just to back me up when I get it wrong. Life is the one thing that should come with an instruction book.

Oh crap, I think I just realized the answer to my complaint. Life does come with an instruction book, a vey large one that many people choose not to read, because, like a map..people think they can find their way on there own. The instruction book i am refering to is the Bible.

Okay, this night just on keeps gettin more weird. I just recieved a letter in the mail. On the front of the envelope it didnt say who it was from, just that it was for me. I opened it, in curiosity, only to find that what was inside was exactly what i needed right now. It was a letter from TEC (teens encounter christ), that i filled out about my weekend at tec in may. At the top of the letter it says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to prosper you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Hmm... I do believe God is trying to tell me something. And I do believe hes telling me to grow up, get my life together, stop giving up so easily, and to start fighting for what I believe in. I really just need to believe in myself. I am trying, I really am..but somehow I keep giving up on myself before I can even start to try.

Wake Up Call.

2007-10-08T21:05:00.000-03:00

"Your barried in your loss of innocence, wondering if you'll find it again.."

Everyone is searching for that innocence they lost along time ago. Let's face it, shit happens. People aren't perfect forever, people are not kids forever. People grow up, live their lives, and make mistakes. However; it isnt as easy to make mistakes as when you were little, and people said "kids will be kids", because they havent lost their innocence yet. Teenagers on the other hand, even adults, they screw up and noone can ever seem to forgive them.

But even threw it all, threw all the people that will look down on you for your mistakes, all the people who can either "forgive" but not "forget", or just not forgive at all..even after all those people have passed their judgments, theres still one person who will never pass judgement on you. He may be dissapointed, but he will never give up. He will never believe your a screw up, or worthless, or just a big mistake. Over the past couple months I have seem to forgotten this. Forgotten everything I believed in. Everything I lived for, everything that made me believe every mourning i woke up that i still had a chance to change, a chance to make a difference in not only my self but the world. God is the one person who will love you when it's all over. When its all not okay, after the rain falls and even after the sun goes out. In the song "After The World" by Disciple, it explains how much god loves us, and how he will never stop loving us, no matter what, even after the world is over. It wasn't until I heard this song the other day, that I even remembered who God really is. And what God has done in my life for so long.. how could I just forget him like that? Let a few mistakes and the loss of my innocence completly erase him from my mind. This song really spoke to me in powerful words, I think its my wake up call. I have been going down the wrong path lately, some to which it has been out of my controle. Sometimes, it takes more then strength to win the fight of life. Sometimes its way beyond self controle, its way beyond what your friends may think, what your family may think, or even what you yourself may think. Strength is all i can ask for, but I can only ask it of one person. And that person is someone I have been leaving behind in my life latly, so no matter how much strength i asked for, i was never going to recieve it. This time it's different, this time i have realized where i went wrong and the mistakes I've made on the way. This time im going to try, instead of telling people I am, when really i know damn well im not. I tend to do that.. lie, to cover up my life. I don't like knowing that people have me all figured out, because it happens alot in my life where people think they know me, but really have no sweet clue. I tend to lie, and hide behind a smile very well these days. My true identity has yet to be discovered. Im still searching for it myself.

Stresss.

2007-10-03T21:03:00.000-03:00

So, today was interesting. I was sick all yesterday and just felt worse today. But ofcourse I have to go to school this semester because I have co-op that I can't miss. So feelin like crap as the day went on, it just kept getting better. I missed my first fieldhockey game because i was too sick to even attempt to play. Which sucked caz i love fieldhockey with my life and were coming down into the last few weeks of season. So i came home mad i had to miss my game, to the well known surprize of a conversation long seen coming. A conversation with someone I really didn't want to have a conversation with, especaily that conversation. I really didn't know what to say, because I promised I wouldn't lie to this person anymore. But it's so hard not to sometimes because I really hate to let this specific person down. Some people just can't except change, others tend to dwell in it. I am just trying to do this person a favor. I know it isn't the answer but i thought it might make things get better, not nessisairaly for me, but for that person. I dunno, things didn't exactly end the way I had planned, and I probly could of handled the situation alot better, but im under alot of stress these days and I just can't handle anything else.

Thank You;

2007-10-01T22:10:00.000-03:00

You showed me i can not handle everything on my own. You showed me im not as strong as i like to think i am. You showed me that it is possible to hit rock bottom, more then once in life. Your an obstical in life i thought id never overcome. A constant reminder of everything i hate, in not only the world, but myself. Because of you I now know how easy it is to hide behind a smile, to pretend everything is okay, when clearly it isnt. Because of you i realized there are some things in life just not worth getting upset over, some people in life who just aren't worth it, some situations you'd be better off staying away from, but wheres the fun in that? Life is a huge question mark, waiting to be answered. But when will it ever be answered? When will someone figure out the full meaning of life, so that there are no more questions, no more pain, no more scilent crys, trying to hide behind a smile that just isn't big enough. When will people be able to stop lying for other peoples satisfaction. Only time will tell, after all..isn't that all we have?

Life just kept getting in the way.

2007-09-30T00:00:00.000-03:00

So, im about a month into grade 12, and so far so good. Nothing too exciting has happened. Its kinda stressful tho. Even tho I really only have Math and Biology to worry about this semester, Co-op is frustrating. Also worrying about universities and stuff. I remember when i was in gr.9 & 10 thinking "thank god I have lots of time to figure all that stuff out". Well now it's here and i have no idea what im doing with the rest of my life. Quite frankly life doesn't give you enough time to figure it out, and just when you think you have, life goes and throws you a curve in the road. I hope i figure something out soon, because im running out of time.

And other then school, my life is really complex these days. Some days I feel like i have it all together, and the next i have no idea whats going on. It's a wierd feeling for me because I usualy feel like im on top of everything, but recently it's like im at the bottom. Im finaly back into playing sports, which i would think should be good for me.. but its brought back out the "competivness" in me, and now i find myself getting more angry and frustrated with that. I have anger in my eyes, and suspicion in my voice. My eyes lie for me and my smile helps think everything is okay, but sometimes its not. I guess you can never win in life. I feel like im on a constant rerun of the first couple years of my highschool life. It's like im staring in the movie in back of my head, "This is everything iv always wanted; Life just kept getting in the way". Life seems to always get in the way of the things i want. It never seems to fail when I finaly feel like i have a hold on things, to put someone or something in the way of everything. Happens everytime.

Forever 17;

2007-08-16T00:37:00.000-03:00

So, i'v actuly spent my whole summer at camp. Well up until this week. It has been amazing, i met some really awesome kids who changed my view on life and about myself. Campers I have met during jr.teen have had the biggest impact on me. The younger ones are cute, but they are so innocent that im scared to answer questions because if im wrong i could alter there views about life for ever. So the older kids I enjoy because most of them have amazing life stories of courage and strength that really open my eyes. I never thought I could care about someone I just met, someone I know If I didn't want to I would never have to see them again after the week. But even after just one night spent at camp with them Its as if I was looking out for myself when I was there age. Something I didn't do, So i can try and prevent them from screwing up like I did. Sometimes it gets stressful though, like im in over my head. Some days I just can't take anymore, and im about to break. Someday I go without literaly talking to anyone, because if I do I will blow up, because im so frustrated and dont have the strength and knowledge to handle some situations. Situations I know the kids feel like knowone can ever understand them. Most situations Iv been through and I understand but there far beyond my controle. Its really frustrating to see someone you care about go through something and know there is not much else you can do for them, they have to help themselves before they can let other people help them.
I think that is one thing I have learned this summer. I dunno, im really glad I took the time this summer to volunteer my life at camp helping others. Even at times where I felt like i was no use, times I felt like there was nothing more I could do, times I felt like I wasnt ready for this.. even in those times I always wanted to go back and try. Which is something I just developed recently, because im not one to give up, but when I feel the way I do sometimes.. im surprized I don't make up some kind of excuse to get out of it.

Besides that, it was my 17th birthday on Monday! It was soo nice to see some of my friends. I haven't been able to see them this summer because iv been away. And it was really nice to just spend the time together we did catching up and laughing. I didnt realize how much I missed them until I started to laugh. I had no worries the whole night about anything, I was just so happy and smileing, it was so nice to just be relaxed and not stressed out. Iv been home all week and its been really nice just seeing everyone. Srt is next week, its the last week of camp. I dunno if I wanna go back. I mean like, I do more then anything because camp is the best place on earth to me, but im getting caught up in finaly seeing all my friends and its been so great. I feel like I missed so much when I was gone. And the summer is quickly coming to an end. I have friends going to university im never going to see and I could of this summer but never got the chance. I dunno, it kinda sucks I guess, but thats life.
Im growing up. (God help my soul)

Camp Medley.

2007-07-15T19:53:00.000-03:00

So, I just got back from 2 weeks in a row spent at Medley. Now, Atfirst i really didn't want to go, and I thought i was gonna hate it, and that I had grown out of the camp stage. Although this summer I wasn't there as a camper, i was there as an LIT which is like staff. It was VERY different from the 10 or 11 years i had gone as a camper. I had an amazeing time the first week i was there at Boys & Girls 1. The kids were soo cute, and i was in a cabin with amazing staff members. I really felt as if I had grown up alot since last year. I had kids asking me questions that i had been too stubern to answer myself the exact same ones recently. But when they asked me, I answered them to the best of my ability. Questions like : "who is god", "why doesn't god always answer your prayers", "How do we know God really exist", and "Who made God, if God made everything". I had asked myself these questions in the past so many times, and never found the answers until 2 weeks ago.
And then this past week, for Jr.Teen 1, I REALLY got a chance to see who I use to be as a camper. And how frustrated councilers must have been with me, because i was very frustrated with alot of the campers at first, just because of the huge change between age difference in the 2 weeks. I really got to know not only campers, staff and God, but myself as well. Jr.Teen really opened my eyes to who i was and who i am now. To see some of the girls in chaple really broke my heart. I prayed alot alot of them everynight, and by the end of the week, they pretty well all eventually broke down and found god. It was awesome. I also got to pray for people , which was amazeing. I finaly got the chance to repay god for everything and everyone he has put/done in my life, and i never felt so good in my entire life. It was probly the best experience ever and I am so glad I did it. Further more, I can not wait to go back and volunteer for pretty much the rest of the summer!

LIT

2007-06-28T22:28:00.000-03:00

Hey people, okay so, this summer so far has been pretty good. Its only been about 2 weeks and iv already been through more then i can handle. But its good, its teaching me alot about life. For instence, this summer has taught me to forgive, and also that sometimes stress can build up inside you for so long, so much, that eventually you'll brust and do things that, you may not regret, but after wonder if it was worth it. And the hard part to wondering is that, you may realize it was worth it, but you no you shouldn't result tho those types of situations. I don't know, life is a strange thing.

Anyways, in a couple days im going to Camp Medley to be an LIT. I don't exactly know how i feel about this, I know i should feel excited and happy, but instead im kinda scared and really stressed out. I don't know if im ready to take responsibility for other childrens faith, if i don't even have my own figured out. Hopefuly it works out to my advantage, and teaches me some things about mylife I never knew. Im going into the next 2 weeks with no exspectations, therefore i wont be let down if they are not fufilled. I think it should be good though, hopefuly. Im just extremly stressed out to the max at the moment about it. So wish me luck!

Summer 'o7 baby

2007-06-18T15:24:00.000-03:00

Summer is finaly here!! Wow, my favorite time of year. Gr.11 went by so fast this year, but im so glad its over. Exams went well (so i think) I wont actuly know what i got on them until thursday. Friig, grade 12 next year baby! Thats so werid, like.. I don't feel old enough to be in gr.12, nor do I know what im doing with the rest of my life after it. I had it all figured out, but plans have changed.

So, summer! LIT weekend was sapose to be the weekend that just passed, but it got moved until this upcoming weekend. I was upset about it being moved, but I had the best weekend of my life so now im glad it did! So I have LIT weekend to look forward too (if i go), and sometime after that, 2 full weeks spent at Medley! How exciting! Im also going to Old Orchard Beach in July for some vacation, which I love caz its so like cute and old fashiony. Then In August Im planning on going to New Hampsure for SoulFest2007, which should be a good time also. So my summer is pretty exciting and im looking forward to it! The weather has been pretty nice thus far! Iv been doin some seriously tannage lol. Anywho, im all out of things to say, so when something exciting comes up in the near future I may post something.

Have a good SUMMER:)

Post TEC.

2007-05-27T19:04:00.000-03:00

So, im pretty sure all this week all I could possibly think about was TEC. I miss it SOO much, the people, the singing, everything. I let go of so much when I was there, I had no worries or anything. No hard decisions to make. Then it hit me, the cold harsh reality of the world. The gossip, parties, heartache, betrail... all this stuff surrounds me in just one week. Wether it is towards me or not, I can still see it, all around. At TEC everyone got along, we were all happy, and we all shared a common intrest. Everyone was different, but special in their own way. Everyone could get past the differences for once, unlike this world, difference is a battle people face everyday. I hate it, i hate being involved in it.

I don't belong here, I don't fit in with the lives everyone around me leads. Im fighting so hard to survive, that I loose myself in the process. It happens everytime, and everytime I seem to fail. I dont know how much pain and suffering to stay alive I can take. I am a strong kid, and can take alot more pain then the average person, but someday I wont be able to take anymore.. and i dunno what im gonna do.

TEC 15.

2007-05-21T21:06:00.000-03:00

Hey, okay so, I just got back from a long weekend at TEC 15. When I was there I wrote some stuff down about it, so im gonna share with you what it was I said.

Saterday (Day #1):
" Getting akward! I am so not as big of a bible tumper as these people."
"Skits...what an interesting time that will be. So not into this whole God scene. What am I even doing here?"

Sunday Morning (Day #2):
"Okay, so last night was really weird. I was sitting there while everyone was whorshiping and praying and stuff, and I really felt like I should go get prayer caz Iv needed it for SOO long, but I just kinda ignored the feeling and just sat there. Then, Martha came over to me and (god love her, saving me everytime), says "you should go get prayer, I'll come with you." So I get up and very slowly, akwardly walk over to 2 guys (Julien and Terrance) and asked them to pray for me. He asked what I wanted to be prayed for, and I very not wanting to say it said "Pray that I can feel forgivin for my past". So They did, and one of them started talking in tounges and such. Just like freakin out. Then he says: Alyson, Jesus is looking you in the eyes RIGHT NOW saying he forgives you, and I closed my eyes, and the weridest thing happened. I saw 2 eyes looking back at me, and a heart underneath them. Then all of a sudden, I felt like I was being pushed, and started to like, go back and forth, trying to keep my ballance, but my eyes would not open. Then my whole body just totaly let go of everything and I fell onto the ground. As I was lying onto the ground it felt like someone had lit a match inside of my body it was burning so much. All I could see was white, cloud sort of things, and it felt as if I was floating. I was soo light, and the insides of me were shakeing. I could hear everything going on around me, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldnt open my eyes. Aparently that happenes when the Holy spirit comes into your body because he is too strong to fight it, and too powerful and overwhelming for our human bodies. Finaly I was able to open my eyes, it was the weridest thing iv ever gone through in my life!"

Sunday Night:
"I dont know if that was a good thing or not. Im still trying to grasp the fact that ever happened. Why would it happen to me of all people? I most certainly am not anything specail, and don't deserve that. I don't even know where I am with the whole God thing yet. Im always going back and forth, but I never have enough proof. Was last night enough proof? I really don't know, I still find it werid and scary that happened."

Monday Morning (day 3):
"I do not want to go home! This has been the most amazing experience ever!! Im really glad I came, because I really wasn't going to."

So that is just how much God worked in my life in just a little bit of time. Its amazing really, I can't even explain this weekend. but I met so many awesome people and sang my little heart out! Also, what you may not no is. Today I was asked to get up infront of EVERYONE at tec and talk about my saterdaynight experience. I was trying to avoid it all weekend, ignoring the tight chest, heart beating fast, but then I finaly got the push I needed and got up. It was really hard for me because I hate letting people in, and talking about my personal feelings, PLUS, I am hugely afraid of public speaking, so it was quite the challange to get up there. I don't even remeber what I said my heart was beating so fast, and not to mention I cried all the way through it lol. But it was awesome I guess.
So OVER ALL, TEC 15 was the best experience of my life!!!

Poetry Reading.

2007-05-11T20:47:00.000-03:00

I did something I never thought i'd ever do today. It was quite a good experience actuly, I enjoyed it after it was finished, and my face was finished turning every shade of red possible. Anyways, incase your wondering what it was exactly I did, I went to a Poetry reading at the public library today. Now, you may be like, oh whats the big deal? BUT if you know me at all, you may know 2 things, that I am extremly scared of public speaking, AND that I do not express emotions well. So reading a poem I wrote that is like, about a time in my life, infront of people, with a microphone and everything lol, was a huge deal. And the fact I had to go second didn't help either.

As I got up there, shaking in my shoes, lol I was really nervous of what people were gonna think. As words started coming from my mouth, All i could think was "what in the hell am I doing up here?". And then, by the time I got my mind to unwrap from that thought, it was over. Everyone claped, and I felt goood because I Finaly over came two of my greatest fears. They don't seem like much, but to me they honestly are. Anyways, so I really enjoyed it and im happy I did it.

So that was my excitement for the week. Anywho, im out. Peace

Accomplishment.. or not?

2007-05-05T22:01:00.000-03:00

So I officaily haven't drank in a year. WOW, what an accomplishment...not? Im totaly pissed off and just want school to get over so summer can start. This year has literaly been hell, and not exactly what I barganed for. But what ever, thats over and done with, so heres to the new year.

Anyways, I had to write somthing for english this weekend. Not exactly sure if it makes sence, but I was able to turn it into a nice lil song. So here it is..

My Reason Is You

Like a rain drop,
the mountains fall from the sky

Like an ocean and it's tide,
this heart is ever waiting to find

Like the trees change with season
This soul searches the widths of this earth for reason

reason to live
reason to breath
reason to set your soul free again
reason to love
reason to laugh
reason to save yourself so hearts can mend

Like a rain drop,
the mountains fall from the sky

Like an ocean and it's tide
this heart is ever waiting to find

Like the trees change with season
this soul searches the widths of this earth for reason

And I found you,
in the midst of it all

My reason is You

Freedom Writers.

2007-04-22T19:01:00.000-03:00

So I just finished watching the movie "freedom Writers". I saw it in theaters before but my parents rented it this weekend so i decided to watch it again. It is honestly one of my favorite movies. And it's funny because, I know alot of people who honestly hated it and thought it was so stupid because there was no like "action" or anything to it. But I guess maby I just have a little bit of a soft spot for real life situations. It's a movie I could really relate too, although I was never ina gang, or had somone close to me die froma drive by shooting. I have however gone through hard times, done wrong paths and even though we don't realize it, Life today is a war. It's a war to fit in, to be sucessful, or even just to be happy.
In the movie, the kids depend on this english class as their family. They feel safe in it, and feel that the only good things in their lives, are caused by their teacher. That is exactly like me, however it isn't my english class I depend on, its Camp. I have had this dependance on Camp since I was seven. A dependance that, if I don't have camp, I have nothing. Camp is what saves me from myself. When im not happy with who I am, once or twice a summer, it gives me a little bit of asurence and hope that things could and will someday be different. But someday, I will have to go on in life, and I won't have camp there to put me back together when i break and fall to peices. Just like, when these kids graduate, they won't have their english class to protect them.

This is kind of off topic, but I was watching the specail feautures, and it said how you can tell so much about someone, just by looking at their eyes. It is very true that you can outline a persons whole life story just by their eyes and faceial expressions. Someone at camp once told me, that she could see right through me, just by my eyes. And its strange because she really could, she was telling me things about my life left and right before I even got the chance to.

Anyways, school is slowly coming to an end(thank god)..and summer is deffinitly on it's way judging by the beautiful weather we have been having. Another summer means, another year of camp, and now with each week I wonder if it is my last, especaily this year. It could be the end of the road less traveled.

A bunch of Crap.

2007-04-09T21:11:00.000-03:00

Yeah, so. The month of April..yay? No, umm... im very, well? Nothing.
Im extremly happy exams are over though. I managed to pass all 5. Unfortunatly, my marks were 60, 65, 73, 85 & 90. Sure the last 2 are alright, but the first 3 suck. For some reason I just don't like to study for midterms. There just so pointless and stupid.

Anywho, So lifes been...different. Last weekend I went to church for the first time this year. Martha brought me to the vinyard er something. It was kinda akward, I just felt out of place. Just because like, I dunno, I didn't really feel like I should of been there. With all these people who came to worship christ, singing with the hands raised. And me just standing there with my hands in my pockets, wondering how I got here. I was wondering how I ever got to this place in my life where I am at right now. This constant battle agaisnt everything I ever knew or was. A battle agaisnt myself. Everyday I wake up, and its the same old thing, same old people saying the same old things. How did I get to this place where my best just isnt good enough anymore. Where "all I can be", isn't anything at all. Confusion, frustration, and wonder, is pretty well all my life has been the past year. Im trying so hard, but I really start to wonder if everything I have been feeling, is worth it. If it is worth all the hurt, sadness, and doubt. I remember a time when I was happy and laughed about everything, and cared about nothing at all. Those memories start to fade the deeper I get into this year. I know noone said it's sapose to be easy, but sometimes it makes me wonder if it is really even worth it. Why do so many people choose to take the fun/easy way out? How do we even know for sure, if the fight i am fighting, is even going to amount to something someday? We really don't. Am I just trusting what some people say and think? Well, what about the others? They don't seem to mind.

I dunno, I just like. I figured by now it would get a little easier and I notice myself just getting worse. I just really wish God would help me right now. I am at the point where I don't think I can handle anything else. And for all you people who are saying "God said he wouldn't give us more then we could handle" well I have news for you, the one thing I did learn at church last week is, HE CAN. Like frig, I even went back to church later that night with my friend, because for some reason I felt like we both needed to be there. Like I never learnt what I was sapose to, or I needed to hear it twice? Although both churches were very different and different denominations, I really don't think I got much out of any, because I was too busy standing there, wondering, how I got to this place. Then, yesterday I went back to the catholic church caz it being Easter and all, and I'll tell you I actuly got something out of it. The preist kept repeating something like, people who go to church when ever they "feel" like it, but really believe their christians, are better off not going at all, and not believeing anything. Because if you truely were a follower of christ, you would know that 2 hours of your time on sunday, is nothing compared to the pain and suffering Jesus went through. Well, If all this time I was putting myself through all of this, and not going to church. I guess it was a waist of time, because it ment nothing.

K I dunno, im sorry for all that. I just had a major break down. I guess im just building up with stress and anxiety about trying so hard not to fall, that im falling 10 times as hard when I feel as if I can't take it anymore. I am really in some desperate need of God. Like, you don't even know. This summer really can't come fast enough.

Midterms.

2007-03-28T20:50:00.000-03:00

Midterms.. don't you JUST hate that time of year?

I sure do! I have a physics exam tomorrow that I spent approx. 25 minutes studien for tonight. Nor, have I even started studien for any of my other, or started my english essay due on friday. What a night I am going to have tomorrow after guitar. Frig, school is so, ahh! I really am sick of it, I have had enough of high school. Pointless courses you'll never need? Like really, all they do is cause more stress. Physics, Accounting, English, Math & Sociology..all part of my everyday school life, day after day...after day! It never ends! Jeez, oh well, I just can not wait until June when school is over. Oh but WAIT! More exams? I think so!

Anyways, I have alot on my mind lately. Important desicions to make within the next couple weeks that could very much alter my life from the way it is today. It has also been brought to my attention that, maby I don't want to LIT at camp this sumer. Maby I feel the need that I have to, because applications have been out for weeks now, and I have yet to even care about filling one out. Aswell as TEC. I stil have yet to send in my application for that as well, so I probly won't even get in now. But oh well, I dunno. Maby im just growing up, maby im just in a bad mood? I really don't know. I mean like, im fine and dandy until I start thinking about these 2 topics (as well as a few others), and then I just get all, "ugh" about it.

I can't fake it anymore.

2007-03-19T22:25:00.000-03:00

I'm at a loss for words; there's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what lead me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold
Where did the passion go?

When all my efforts seem like chasing the wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm alone to the core
I can't fake it anymore - part of Nicole Sponberg's song.

So last night I was just standing in my room looking in the mirrior, and all of a sudden I just broke down and started to cry. I have no idea why, like there was no aparent reason for this. This over whelming feeling just came over me; like I had finaly had enough. Like I finaly realized my efforts seemed like chasing the wind. They were just never gonna happen. And I can't fake that im okay anymore. Its just to much for me. I got into something that im too weak to handle. I thought I could do it, and iv gotten this far, but I feel like shit. My body can not take it anymore, my mind is going crazy, and im sick of always feeling down and unhappy. This most deffinitly did not turn out like I had planned it to.

Then tonight, I think I just finaly like, drew my last straw. The same feelings came over me again, feelings of regret, discomfort, stress and feeling that I have had enough. I got more then I barganed for, and as much as it kills me to do this, it could slowly kill me to not. And Im sick of keeping this all in pretending like im fine, because iv been far from it for a very long time. It's amazing what a person can do with a smile and a "im fine".

I just, I don't know the part when this was sapose to get easy, and its been a year. And all i do is go through more shit I can't handle, and everything gets harder. I guess I just wasn't cut out for this after all.

Updates.

2007-03-15T23:11:00.000-03:00

Well well well, update on my life? Hm lets see. We had CF today. It was actuly pretty good this week, which it usualy is just stupid. Some gurls got up and talked about "love" and relationships. It was a good talk, they're pretty brave to be honest, lol I dunno if I could of done it. Although Nicole Vair and I are planning a sermon for a couple weeks from now for the class haha. Imagine? That'd be funny if we actuly did it though. But yeah anyways, the discusion made me feel kinda like I was at camp. We even talked about Camp Medley, and TEC for a bit. These kinds of things make me happy. It also just kinda like, made me realize how comfortable these girls are to get up infront of a class and talk about the word of God, something I need to work on. Im just not a very open person, im not shy, But I keep stuff to myself alot. Mostly because I don't trust alot of people and fear getting dissapointed by them. But hopefuly god will bless me with the courage to speak his word infront of the public with no hesitation.

So I had an over all good day, (minus the math physics and sociology tests I had to do). Then, tonight, to my surprize and coincedence, A letter from Camp Medley arrived in the mail!:) Its the regerstration form, although im not going back to be a camper and have no use of the form, it had some info about LIT'ing which got me excited. And just to know that the forms are out, means camp is on it's way! Im so excited. Also I plan on attending TEC this may. So hopefuly everything works out for that. Caz some of my favorite people will be there:) and I really want to see them.

Other then that, I just got back from Florida on Tuesday! I was there for 10 days over the March break. It was awesome. I really enjoyed it. And I got to spend some time with my family which I don't get to do very often. (or choose not to, im not sure lol ) But anyways, it was fun and my parents are planning another trip to go back next year for 2 weeks! I also want to go to Greece on the March break so i'll see how that all works out. But anyways, for now im doin pretty good, the heads still hurtin but i'v lernt to deal with that shittie fact of life. School's going good, family is good, everything is just good. Right now I am just anxiously awaiting my summer to get started. Until then, I will keep you updated.

I realize I don't write in this much anymore, because Facebook has taken over my life. so if your interested in updates and such either add me to it, or if you dont have it, get one! (marie-helene & Martha!)

The wonder of it all..is im living just to fall; more inlove with you.

2007-02-21T22:13:00.000-04:00

Hello people,
So today our school religion/CF classes all went to church for Ash Wednesday. I wasn't planning on going, nor did I want to, but Felicia dragged me on the bus to go lol, So I went. When I got there I started feeling guilty because I hadn't been to church since Christmas. Right away I new the reason I had to be dragged into the church in the first place was being I knew that I talk up being a christian and what not, yet I hadn't been to church in almost 2 months. I was feeling bad and guilty for not going. As I walked down the aisle I had this sort of akward feeling, like the need to make everything a big joke so I didn't realize I myself was really embaressed infront of god for haveing to literaly be forced into going. But when I got into the church and sat down in the pew (very tiny I might add), I started to feel more comfortable. It kinda put me at peace for a while, I felt as if I was right where I should be.

It was kinda like the feeling you get, when you use to be close with someone, and after not seeing them in years, you unexspectedly run into them, and you really don't know what to say. Not because you don't want to talk to them, but because the akwardness of getting use to never seeing them, and then randomly running into them, just causes you to be like , "oh wow, this is werid, I haven't seen you in years", then walk away. Or atleast, for me it is anyways. Because that also happened to be like a week ago lol.

So anyways, back to my point, im glad god gave me a friend to give me a little extra push to go today, because just being there for the short time that I was, made me feel different. It gave me the little extra push I needed to remember what god has instore for me, how important god is to me, and how much he wants to me realize that. It made me realize that I need to start thinking more posivtivly, and stop worrying so much. I need to be more relaxed about life, and if I can't have alcohol help me out what that, god's the only solution left. And he's the right solution also lol (hes not just my back up). So I feel a little bit better tonight, hopefuly it lasts.
I believe I should start to get back into the swing of things and christian living once again. So i'll update on that a little later.

You don't know what it's like -Econoline Crush.

2007-02-13T22:34:00.000-04:00

did you give up?
did it get easier?
did all those things you wanted come together in the end?
did you ever really notice how i never really cared?

she smiled and looked at me and said;
you don't know what it's like
i feel like nothing at all
you don't know what it's like

did you forget?
did you believe in it?
did all those things i promised come up empty in the end?
any regrets?
any dreams you miss?
comfort comes with patienceserenity

he smiled and looked at me and said
you don't know what it's like
i feel like nothing at all
you don't know what it's like
i feel insignificant
i feel nothing at all
i feel insignificant

did you give up?
did it get easier?
every little word lingered
slipped and fell

you dont know what its like
i feel like nothing at all
you dont know what its like
i feel like nothing at alli feel like nothing at all
i feel like nothing
cause u dont no what its like

Hmm..

2007-02-11T23:35:00.000-04:00

I don't exactly have a topic to write about at the present time, but im really bored and not wanting to go to sleep. So i'll see what I come up with.

Anyways, today, being Sunday and everything, I didn't do much. I slept until one (which is half the reason im up right now) and sat around, read like 40 pages out of my sociology text (for something to do) and played my guitar for several hours. Now, the only thing i'v taught myself so far on the guitar is christian songs (mostly from Camp), so that forces me to listen to and sing along with christian music. Which is good because it gives me a break from all the rap I listen to. Which lets face it, as much as I love it, its not exactly healthy, and produces negative energy. So anyways, when I got sick of guitar, I put my music on "continuous play", and went and layed on my bed in the dark while it played. I was just thinking about stuff, life, other people, stuff like that. And it really kind of made me sad. I don't know why, but im perfectly fine and dandy, until I actuly start to anylize mylife and everything/one around me. Is it because im not happy with myself? Because when I don't think about it im fine, it's when I do, and start realizing my faults and failures when I start to care. I dunno, I think im just to hard on myself. But like I stated in my previous post, you can beat yourself up until you bleed.. but im not quite sure it gets any eaiser.

Jeeez.. I miss way to many people right now.
And need a vacation way to much.

Missing Camp Medley Much?

2007-02-04T00:25:00.000-04:00

Anyways, I know I wrote a post not to long ago. But it was really pointless. I was just bored n thought what the hell. Man I wish I had topics and reasons for writing something good. Like I use to be able to right huge things on stuff that were actuly worth reading. Now I can't.

But yeah, so I know im not as "religious" so to speak as I was when I first started this blog, but This may contain something to do with that subject. I guess, like, I still love god and everything, im just not as like, open and willing to talk about it as I use to. It's just not like my biggest priority these days. I don't know, like i'd love it to be, but it just isn't. Im more concerned about school, and socializing. I quit church a while ago too, so that doesn't help. I just have nothign to get me fired up and excited about it. Thats why I have been counting down the days until Camp Medley Opens. You don't even understand, how much that place means to me. It's like, the one thing in life that keeps me standing. It's the only thing I have looked forward to since It ended in August. Every year for the past 10 years, that is all I look forward too. Theres no better feeling then waking up that sunday morning, knowing your going to camp in a couple of hours. But then, theres also no worse feeling, going to bed that Friday night, knowing it's your last night at camp. Until yet another year. The week goes by so fast, and when it comes to an end, it's like, you've ran this huge race, thinking that at the end of the finish line, this huge prize & tones of cheering people await you...but when you'v crossed it, and everything feels perfect, knowones there, and It's just empty & silent, waiting for you to start running again. The race never really ends, just like, camp never really completes your expectations. It truely isn't long enough to get what you need to out of it. Because, when it's the one thing you look forward to, and the one thing that really makes you feel connected with god, a week just isn't enough to insure that experience and feeling, last a whole year after your gone. It's been 5 months since I'v been at camp. And Im telling you I don't think a day has gone by when I haven't thought about it. I wish I was there so bad, because im slowly falling apart on the inside eachday. See, with me, I hide it very well, it's not easy to tell if im unhappy (unless im pissed). Im slowly falling apart eachday and eachday im realizing I can't do this anymore. I don't know how to, im really not strong enough for this. I thought I was, but turns out, the more and more I try, and the more time that passes, the more im starting to figure out who I am, and how weak Iv been all along.

You can try so hard to be strong, hard enough that you bleed, that you bruise, and that you break and feel no pain. You can beat yourself up over every little thing, to prepare yourself for the cruel world when it picks you apart, peice by peice. But honestly, from experience, Knowone or anything, can prepare you for the shit you are going to go through in life trying to find jesus and trying to live your life for him. You are going to fall and bleed, and feel broken. Your going to feel more pain then you'v ever imagined, your going to feel so much frustration and confusment, that you will have questions to every answer, because it's just not good enough. Your fighting to survive, but somehow, through all of that, through all of the crap people will say, through all of the shame you will feel towards yourself for your actions, through the brokeness you will feel when it seems like jesus has left you (even though he's just seeing how strong you are on your own), somehow, I believe it will all be worth it in the end. It's not promised to be an easy way out, it's not promised to be the "fun" way through life, or the uncomplicated. But it is promised to be the most rewarding. I have to keep telling myself this everyday, because If I don't, someday, I will give up on myself. Someday I will become everything iv been fighting for not to become. Someday this fight the past 9 months would be worthless, and a total waist of time. I can't let that happen. I'v never been this confused and messed up in all my life, But I wouldn't trade it for the world. Because, i'v also never wanted something or been so certain of something so much in my life then I am right now.

Stupid.

2007-02-03T19:12:00.000-04:00

So, exams raped me. I was pissed. 87-Math, 83-French, 75-History, 69-Chemistry, 68-English. Bull shit I hate school. I got my report card yesterday, that was interesting. 86-Math, 80-French, 80-History, 77-Chemistry, 71-English. I swear to god english is gonna be the subject that ruins my chances of getting into university. I hate it! Friggg.

The new semester started. It's a good time. I have, Physics, Accounting, English, Math & Sociology. All sweet classes, Cailin and I sit beside eachother in 2 of them. What love that is lol. Then me n whelton sit beside eachother in 2, so thats just hilarious.

Hmm.. enough about school. Im still taking guitar lessons in which I am inlove with. It's the best thing ever!<3.. The rest of my life is good, except im super pissed at my parents right now. I don't see why they try to start stuff with me, caz I always win. Like really though, waist of their life if you ask me. This weekends stupid, I hate SJ! Someday, it will burn once again, and hopefuly nothing will be left of it. Anyways, blogs are so not what they use to be. Im not a huge fan AT ALL.

k peace.

Exams.

2007-01-21T20:50:00.000-04:00

Exams already? Jeez, Grade 11 is flying by. Im pumped though, I can't wait to get out of highschool. For all those people who think high school is the best times of there lives and all this crap, are so totaly wrong. High school is so stupid. I mean, its a good time and all, but the gosip, trouble, immaturity and all that gay stuff is soo stupid. I just don't see how people miss that?

Last night while I was lying in bed, I realized how fast the last few years have flown by, and how I only have a year and a half more of being a kid. I also got to thinking of how, you can never get back yesterday. Everyday that has passed by so quickly over the last 4 years I can never get back. And I realize that im sitting here wishing my life away waiting to be done highschool, get a job and start a family, only leading up to someday dieing. Life is a strange place. It's true when they say, "your living to die, and dieing to live".

Anyways, yeah so exams. Im totaly screwed. I have spent everyday at school the past week till 5:30-6:00. AND I even went in on SATERDAY afternoon for 3 hours! (probly the first person EVER to do that). I can't study at home caz I have ADD. But the only other problem is, I know how to do everything when its infront of me, but I forget it all when exams come. I have french tomorrow, totaly bullshittin through that, hopefuly an 80 would be nice. Then I have History(death) I won't even get like a 70 on that. Then Math, aiming once again for a 90, maby 92. And English is gonna rape me lol, and chemistry, 85 hopefuly.

Just My Life.

2007-01-14T00:57:00.000-04:00

So.. about life? Its 12:57am right now and im super bored. Exams are in a week. How exciting... but we get 5 days off in a row when there finished which is pretty sweet I must say. My marks are kinda gay right now. Some went up and some droped. So I pretty well need like 90's on these exams, which is gay. But what ev. Library to study here I come.

Anyways, this weekend was a good time. Life is good. Except one minor area. But what ever. Anyways, this got boring really fast caz I have nothing to say. But I got sick of facebook so I decided to write on this lol.

Life & stupid stuff.

2007-01-08T20:21:00.000-04:00

So, about how, life is so gay & confusing. Like, I don't even know what to do with it. I drifted away from god and all that good stuff for quite sometime, and now no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get back to where I was, or even anywheres close to it. I still haven't figured out if this is all just a cover up, a disguise, for who I am, and who I think I should be. I really don't know what to believe or think anymore. Caz for every positive thought I have, two negative thoughts follow. The past 8 months have been rate rough, and I dunno if once everything is said and done, and im better(if that ever occurs), that I will forget everything and not care anymore. Like I dunno, I thought I was for real last time, and clearly that wasn't true, caz I gave it all up for like 2 months. It seems that when Life gets hard I turn back to god, looking for healing or answers, and as soon as it gets better, I peal caz I figure im good to go. So I don't really know what's up with me. But honestly, even If I was for real last time, and Im for real again this time, I can't seem to get excited about god anymore. I have no strength or energy to put into it. I wont pick up a bible, id rather chat on msn. I won't go to church, i'd rather sleep. I won't talk about god, I rather go to parties (sober). It seems the only thing in this world, that can get me excited about god is Camp. And that is the damn truth. When you go to camp your a total different person. Your whole view and prospective on life is changed. And if you can get fired up about god then all the power to you, but when the flames run out a couple months after, your pretty well screwed, and have to wait till the next year, because theres nothing else the world has to offer like camp chapel that's gonna take you anywhere. So now im pretty well just counting down the days till summer and hopeing to god I get accepted to be an LIT.

Trust?

2007-01-05T18:15:00.000-04:00

Okay, so it's been brought to my attention over the past couple days, that I have a major trust issue. I also have a problem with letting people in.

Now, it really doesn't bother me any. I mean after all, clearly im the one who chooses to not trust /let anyone in. Growing up i'v just learned you can't really trust anyone. Not even your own family, people just tell you what you want to hear. Now, some people tell the truth, other elaborate on it, but if you never really know who to trust and who not to, it's better just to look at life as if you can't trust anyone. That way you can't get hurt. Unless it gets to the point where you can't even trust yourself, then you may end up gettin hurt..by you. Which brings me to my text problem, letting people in. I mean like, I care about people, and believe people care about me. But it's better to not put yourself out there on the line, for anyone to hang you dry. The less people you let in, the less people you have to hurt you.

I dunno, maby im just not the "let's tell the world about my problem" type of person for a reason. It's not really a huge deal I guess. When I decide to tell the world of my problems, i'll let you know. Until then, I have no idea why I even wrote this lol.

Upside Down.

2007-01-03T20:41:00.000-04:00

I covered my tracks,
But not the cracks in my foundation
So break me.

For all the things I've loved and lost,
I only wanted to be found
Come take my world and turn it upside down.

HAPPY FRIGGEN NEW YEAR BABY!!!

2007-01-01T13:49:00.000-04:00

Heeeyyy! Whats up people? 2220000000777!!!!I don't think anyone reads this anymore because I stoped writing in it for a while and it's always not that exciting lol, but what ev! ANYWHO!

Omg last night was friggin amazing! lol, I enjoyed it anyways. Milah's party was pretty intence. And can we speak of how much I love her dad!♥ Like wow, lol rolling joints for the guys? Too funny. Then when the cops came he made them leave, haha. He throws a pretty good party when his daughters passed out somewheres lol. God love her.

Heres some pictures, there's more on my facebook for those of you who have it and care.

Mhmm..

2006-12-29T01:57:00.000-04:00

Haven't wrote anything in this in a while.
So Christmas was a good time. Got my guitar, not the pink one i wanted though, mines red, and nicer then the one I asked for so im not complainning. Hmm.. so breaks fun? Tonight milah and I hit up the pool hall and a bunch of creepy drunk old men were taking pictures of us and being huge creeps lol so we pealed. And I really don't feel good at the present time.
But anywho, about how I have nothing to say. ha well that sucks. I don't even know why I bothered to write this.

Alyson's Life List of Goals :

1) Guitar Lessons; Check.
2)Book permit test; Check.
3)Get a Job; Never.

Peace.

Cabaret.

2006-12-21T21:13:00.000-04:00

Last night was stm's cab. It was so amazing! I had an awesome time and loved every minute of it!

Oh ya know..Stuff.

2006-12-13T19:38:00.000-04:00

Im just so damn excited for school to end next week! I can't imagine I will go next after next wednesday. So im lookin at 5 more days until break!:) woo!. I can't wait till christmas to get all my new clothes! I love clothes so much. I can never have to many. Im getting so much for christmas I wont even be able to wear them all on the break probly lol. But oh well, i'll change more then once a day if I have too lol.

Anyways, so in my recent posts I may have sounded confused and such. But im not to sure I am anymore. I think i'v pretty well come to my decision of my prospective on life and such. So thats nice for a change.

C's Party. Heaty Scene.

2006-12-10T00:10:00.000-04:00

more pics> www.piczo.com/alyson-leah

Dooley's.

2006-12-08T16:49:00.000-04:00

Milah, Clarrissa,Sean, Jon & I pealed at lunch and went to Dooleys, to have probly one of the most funnest afternoons ever! Like it made me want to quit school and just hang out there all day lol. Anyways, unfortunatly, I have lost my touch at pool, and I think I lost like every game I played lol.

Heres some pics..

Anger; Forgivness; Forget

2006-12-07T20:28:00.000-04:00

Today in CF, we discused anger and forgivness. Aparently my anger is visable to teachers, because Mrs.Steeves was like "Alyson I know your a hot-head, do you forgive people". I kinda thought she was just joking.. until she said she was seriouse because when she taught last year me I use to get angry in class. Which I informed her, if she thought that was bad..lol she doesn't know the half of it. But anyways, thats besides the point..

So after she asked me this, I never really thought about this before today. Now, I know I have an anger problem, like..atleast im willing to admit that. But I never knew I had a forgivness problem too. Now, when she asked me If I forgive people, or just let my anger eventualy fade out, I answered neither. Now, I mean like, if something happens between me and a person, I forgive them to the extent as im willing to put it aside and move on. But really, It still bothers me. There are people, conversations, and issues from YEARS ago, that I still remember, and although I got over it, It still bothers me. I mean like, if someone betrays your trust, your always gonna wonder "are they gonan do it again"? If someone lies to you numerous amounts of times, sooner or later, your not gonna believe a word that comes out of their mouth. I dunno, I guess with me it's just like, I can forgive, but I rarely ever forget. It's not my fault,I mean, Id love to forget all the shit in my past that doesn't really matter and probly causes half of my anger, but I just..cant. Maby someday, but I dunno. What ever.

See the spaces Inbetween; thats ME.

2006-12-06T19:33:00.000-04:00

Why do I do this to myself? Can someone please tell me? I am so fucked up and confused. Like seriously, I don't know what im doing with my life. And I dont think I'll ever know. I just like, Don't understand anything right now. I am having all these thoughts and regrets and things of the sort. One day, im set on an opinion, and the next day im all "hm...I dunno man". Like it's stupid. But im super confused. Like, I want to be content with the opinion that makes me feel better, but how can you be content with someone you know is wrong? Most people like to do the right thing..Well see, thats where me & most people differ. I tend to enjoy doing what's wrong. Why? I have no idea. It's just who I am I guess.

Which brings me to my next topic. This year I have faced alot of thoughts based on "if a person can change". Once again, a portion of the year I believed a person could change, but also, I believed they couldnt. And now im at the stage where i'v believed, thought of and acted upon, both sides of everything. Now I just have to figure out which better suits me. What fun this will be? As if im not stressed out enough lol. FUCK. I have no idea, and I wish I didn't give a shit. But unfortunatly, I have to make a discision on who I am, because I only have a year and a half left in high school, then its out on my own. I don't like the whole, roller-coaster back&forth thing either. I think that just stresses me out even more. What ever I decide will be my final one because im really sick of all this shit, and im not gonna ruin my life over it.

Honors Award Thingy.

2006-12-05T22:35:00.000-04:00

Hmm... :)

2006-12-04T20:14:00.000-04:00

So, I use to really enjoy writing in this, and when I was bored, it didn't take to much time for me to come up with something to write about. But now, no matter how hard I try, I can't write anything. Iv lost my talent lol. Damnit. Oh well, Im sure I have better talents hidden somewhere under this thick skin. When I decide to reveal them, i'll let you know.

Mmm..Anyways, So life is just so over whelming these days. So much stuff going on. It's a good time though im enjoying it. I just don't even know where to begin with my life. Like jeeze.

It started snowing today, how delightful [lol yeah right, I hate winter so much]. I enjoy presents & no school though. :)

Hmm.. yeah so I guess theres seriously nothing to write about. Wow, my life is just THAT good that I can't complain in here like I usualy do. haha, well I sapose that's a good thing. Im not gonna complain that my lifes too good to complain about.
I have a academic exellence award thingy tomorrow night, so they'll probly be some pics up from that in the up coming week. Other then that, im just prayin for the weekend to get here faster.

Weekend Bitches.

2006-12-02T23:44:00.000-04:00

Bonjour. Whats crackin? anywho.

Um, hmm let's see. Life's a good time. Im kinda fed up with alot of stuff though lately, and i'v been really stressed out. But, im join'ing boxing pretty damn soon. So that should be a good time.

So it's oficially december. Jayyyzz, hm.. like 23 days till Christmas? Pimp ass hoe! Im so pumped to get out of school, and get presents:) Wooot. AND je pense que 28 days till RB bitches! Aw hell yeah! I hate december, but love it at the same time! OOHHH MANN!!!im sOOOO excited! AHH!

So weekend what? Oh this weekend was a good time! Game, JJ's at like 10:30 last night? lol[let's all go to the bunks n shoot up]-mk lol, love you! , slept till 2:30 today(sleep well needed)..game, pool [kicked everyones ass]. OH LIFE, how I LOVE the<3.

MD,CS,AW

AW,MK

Assumptions?

2006-11-28T19:14:00.000-04:00

So kids, its been a while since iv wrote a blog that has meaning lol. Just updates on my life and such. The goodtimes that it's been! Except for the drama-dram-dram. That is just too middle schoolish for me. But uh anyways, so with all the shit going on, something good finaly comes of it. And its startin to clear up (between most people anyways).

So the main thing I wanted to focus this blog on is, assumption. Girls tend to do it alot, they hear something, and assume its true. We all do it. It's like girls especaily, want to only hear the negative things, and give no room for the good stuff.

So, are rumors worth ruining friendships over? That seems to be a big issue going around right now. People are hearing something, then turning it into something even bigger, without hearing both sides. Well people there are 2 sides to everything you'll ever look at. Wether its a peice of paper, a person, a rumor, a wall.. anything. I don't know, I just think that like, come'on people, were in high school now. We can figure things out for ourselves, handle things ourselves, and figure out who we like and do not like ourselves. If you didn't have any friends in middle school and you want to try and start stuff now, do me a favor... Don't:) Or go back to middle school where people care about that kind of stuff.

Anyways, thanks (you know who you are) for not letting some lie by clearly someone who has nothing better to do with her time, ruin a friendship.

Life is a good time<3

hmm.. middle school anyone?

2006-11-27T18:41:00.001-04:00

Oh life, you never seem to phase me.

Good friggin times.

Kv Boys.

2006-11-26T00:53:00.000-04:00

Tonight was the randomest but funnest night ever!

Clarrissa and I hung out with Devin, Brent & Jon. We played pool and went bowling lol (Me and Clarrissa kicked ass in bowling by the way)

Girlie Night!

2006-11-23T22:45:00.000-04:00

Hello there. So, as you may be able to tell, I'v gone from writing in this atleast once a day, to about once a week lol. I don't really care to much about it anymore, but tonight is something I will write about!

So anywho, tonight we decided to have a girlie night! We all came to my house and took pictures and ate pizza and watched Accepted. (grade 8 deja'vu) It was really fun! All us 6 girls haven't all hung out together in like, well years lol. Anyways, it was a really good time and im glad we did it!

Pics ft. Milah, Chelsea, Clarrissa, Melissa, Mary & myself.

Oh you know.

2006-11-19T13:57:00.000-04:00

Yeah so,

I haven't written anything in a couple of days. And to tell you the truth I don't really have anything to say now ethier. My life isn't too much to write about anymore lol. It's a good time though, im enjoying it.

Life stuff.

2006-11-16T20:08:00.000-04:00

hello, to anyone who still reads this. Anyways, life has been pretty good lately! Loving it once again. I feel more back to myself now, which is good. And, i just like to mention how much I love rap! lol, I'v taken a lil time away from listening to alot of it and replaced it with christian stuff, but I decided that I missed rap to much lol. It's just like, wow it makes me feel so pumped up and happy. I love it. Plus I also love the song Kidding Ourselves, by Stabilo. Such a good song. Music is important to me. It's how people express themselves. For me, it's how I escape myself. Loud music is a way for me to just, forget about everything, and just focus on the beat of a song.

So enough about that. Report cards today? Blah, who ever invented those suck lol. Im doin alright, ofcourse to my parents, not good enough. It's funny because now that the marks are in, and my lowest mark is a 76, I really find myself not caring about school once again. Until exams again atleast.

Anyways, so since iv kinda, not givin up, but slacked back on the whole hi-ho christian thing, my heads gotten so bad again. Like, back to the first few months it happened. I thought I was finaly starting to get better, aparently god's a little upset with me. That totaly sucks because I haven't been able to consentrate what so ever in school the past few days, and all I want to do is sleep. I constintly feel like I am getting wacked in the back of the head with a baseball bat. It's a very shitty feeling. But what ever I can't please everybody, so I mines well please myself first. And thats just being me, not changing who I am for god to approve of me. I thought he was sapose to love us for who we are? ...anyways, im watching ER and I don't feel so hot so im out. Peace.

Mhmm..

2006-11-14T17:02:00.000-04:00

K so my last post regarding my midterms, I got my final one back today. And yes, you wouldn't believe what I go on it! another 76! That is 4 out of 5 of my midterms I'v gotten 76% on them. How weird is that! Stupid if ya ask me, but what ev I'll take it I guess.

Oh by the way! I almost forgot.. I went guitar shopping last night. Well, scouting I should say, for a guitar I want for christmas. Well, I walked into Music Stop, and fell inlove with the first one I saw!It was a pink acoustic! Oh baby! Pink! Like, did they know I was coming or what! lol Anyways heres a picture, (you have to click on it for some reason to see it)

Anywho, life is grand. No complaints thus far.

Were kidding ourselves; so what do you want from me?

2006-11-11T15:42:00.000-04:00

Another long weekend, how I love those. I got to sleep in until 12:30 today! It was awesome, I was so drained from midterms and shit this week, so it felt good to regain myself. Oh speaking of midterms, I got ANOTHER 76%, on my history midterm. So thats 3 76%'s so far out of 4. I still have my english one to get back, if I get a 76 im gonna shit lol. Thats just to werid. Not bad though, best marks i'v ever gotten on exams, I usualy fail atleast one, and get like 60's on the rest lol. Goodtimes school is this year.. well not really I just try a bit harder.

Anyways, so I'v decided I just don't care anymore..like at all. I just, don't. It's not worth it, or anything. My heads starting to get better, and when it finaly is 100% good to go, I can get back to my life again. It's been to damn long I tell ya. I'll get my marks up as much as I can now, before I go back to care-free alyson. How I miss her lol. Luckly next semester is going to be easy so I won't have to try much anyways. Im just tired of people telling me who I should be and what I should do. Im in control of my own life, and it's about time I stop listening to other people, and start living for myself. It's not about making other people happy, it's about making me happy. And clearly, im not that happy. Or I wouldn't be writing this.

-alyson.lw

Are you doin her?

2006-11-09T19:21:00.000-04:00

K, so yesterday, a bunch of woman kept coming to the class door for Mr.Sheppard. And jon's like, your tappin that aren't ya mr.shep? lol, So funniest thing happened today in chemistry class! Jon: Oh my old womans here, i'll brb!.. Mr.Shep: ARE YOU DOIN HER?!?! aah oh my god, the whole class started clapping lol. Gotta love cool teachers ha.

So yeah I just thought that was funny, I don't really have anything else to say. My life gets more bouring as the days pass by. I find myself having less and less thoughts, arguments, concerns, and cares. Maby thats a good thing, less concerns means less stress. Which I can totaly use right now. Anyways I have to get back to watching the OC! Loving it.

Update November 13th**

K so on friday , Mr.Shep goes, If your going to a party, Hydrogen is who you want to go with, HE'LL DO ANYTHING!!!

haha oh my, Mr.Shep is hilarious, goodtimes with his sexual jokes ha. Love em.

Midterms, woot!

2006-11-08T16:13:00.000-04:00

Oh baby! I got my math midterm mark back today. My goal going into it was a 90, and coming out of it, I actuly got a 90! I am so beyond pumped. Im sorry to be all like, I got a 90! But if you know me at all, you may know that I sucked at math my whole life, and have just recently became good at it!So im just really happy that I actuly have goals in school now, because I never have before, caz I sucked at everything. I also got my Chem midterm mark back today. Oh jayys..lol. Um, im not 100% sure but I think my goal going into it was like, atleast passing, but I would have liked to get an 80? Maby it might have been a 70. Anywho, this wasn't so great lol, I only got a 76% on it. But it's better then a pass, lol by 16%, so i'll take it. And I had my history midterm today, which wasn't as bad as I had planed. Actuly I think it went fairely well. It would be nice to get like an 80 on it, considering I figured I was going to fail it. So I duno.

Anywho, Mom and I are headin out to Pizza Hut for some spaghetti for supper!:) Then im not sure but I may peal to youth group after. Okay, peace out.

Why didn't someone warn me, to save me from myself.

2006-11-07T19:50:00.000-04:00

She walked away, couldn't say why she was leaving; she walked away, she left all she has believed in.

Empty reasons for my past, excuses do not hold; why didn't someone warn me, to save me from myself.

Okay, I don't think you can ever escape your past. I've come to that conclusion. For some reason, day after day, all I can think about is thing's of my past. Now, don't get me wrong, I focus and think about my future everyday aswell, but that is normal, you should be thinking about your future when your my age. But your past, now thats not so normal. Like, I know what's done is done, and you can't change things no matter how hard you try. I just wish once I realized that, it wouldn't of ever bothered me again. But unfortunatly it still does. And im not just talking about the whole like, drinking and stuff scene. Thats only a minior part to this, but even exchanged words of the past, faded friendships, past marks in school. You'd be surprized how much of the past I can recover as though it were just last week. Not all of it bad, but not all of it good either.

I just don't know when I will learn to leave all of this behind me. A person once told me, your past is who you are. Who you were is who you become. No matter how old you try and no matter how much you think you'v changed, in the end, deep down, your still the person you always use to be, and someone you will be that person again.

I wonder if thats true.. hmm..we will soon find out, wont we.

School; what a strange thing life is.

2006-11-07T19:32:00.000-04:00

My chemistry midterm went better then planed today, but im still not sure of how I did. I would of liked to of gotten a 90 on it but I know that ain't happening. Simply a pass would be nice lol. I get it back tomorrow, along with my Math midterm. The mother of all stressers (math) im excited to get back. If I got a 90 of high 80 on that I will shit. And I have my last and final midterm tomorrow afternoon, Modern History! From what I hear it's brutal, but I just studied for an hour and a half, and Im only taking a break right now I plan on studien some more in a bit.

Oh school, how you spend 13 years of your life (if you don't fail), and then another what? 4-7, maby even more if your planning on being super rich. It's like, you spend the majority of your life that you are young and restless and sapose to be having fun, in school. And then you spend like 30 years working. Then when you finally have some time off and free to do what ever you want, your old and tired so you just spend it all doing nothing exciting. If you think about it, life is pretty shitty. It's a weird thing. Like, we were created to , go to school, work, rest, and die? Strange thing living is. Ofcourse there's some positive aspects to life, such as , family(for the most of us), friends, seeing the miraculous wonder's of the world, all that fun stuff. But it's just strange the reason's for as to why we are here.

Life is changing, people are fadeing.

2006-11-06T22:25:00.000-04:00

Well, I don't have a whole lot to say. I had my english midterm today, it was rough and super long. It took me 2 periods and half my lunch hour to finsih it. I think I did well on it, I hope so anyways. I took like an attack in the middle of it because I was so hot and stressed out. But it's all good. Only 2 more left. I got my french midterm back today! aha, 76%...how sinful. But my goal was 70 so I suceeded my expectations lol. For not lookin at a book once I'd say that's pretty good. An 80 would have been nice but whatev it's only french. I have chemistry tomorrow though, blah! That should be fun...lol not. I hope I get an 80 on it though, that would be friggin nice.

Anyways, a bit off topic of school. But today was a strange day. It was like, a huge look back on the past, day. Someone brought up an old friend recently, so on the way to school (my 40 minute bus ride), I couldn't help but think of this person. A very good friend of mine from middle school, who I have barley spoken to or seen in years. I just can't help but think of how young and childish we all use to be, when I remeber the goodtimes we'v had. I remember most of them as if it were yesterday. When we didn't care about our appearance, or actions, and could care less what other people thought. A group of girls that were inseperable, when we called eachothers parents mom & dad, and their house our second home. Now look at us, we all barley even speak.

It's funny how people change like the weather, and fade away like seasons. Growing up you think you have all this time, you think nothing will ever change as long as you get it right the first time. It's as if, as long as everything is perfect now, nothing could tare that down in the future. But what people don't realize, especaily kids, is that.. nothing ever stays the same. Everything that has life will change. Like the color of leaves in autum, to a caterpiller into a butterfly.

But there are always some people that will remain in your life for a long time, you just needed to try a little extra harder with those people. You put more effort into making sure, although things did change, they wont fade. You can't stop change, but you can stop things from fadeing, for a while atleast.

Anyways, im not really sure the point to this, theres never really a point to anything I write. I can't explain half the thoughs and feelings I get. Thats why I write them down. I must try and get some last minute studien in, concidering I have yet to open my book and it's 10:45. (I excell in procrastination).lol if that's a word. Anyways, night.

Footprints in the sand.

2006-11-05T17:41:00.000-04:00

I read this last night in the christian book store, more then once, it was like everywhere. I had heard of it before but not since i'v been a real christian so it never really apealled to me. But this time when I read it, I was really touched lol. I thought it was so cute and true. I had forgotten about it until tonight, as I was just sittin in my kitchen listening to the christian radio station, and they mentioned a band that use to be called "2 barefeet" and were named after footprints in the sand. And I was like oh hey that thing I remeber now. So I decided to put it on here, so those of you who have never read it, to do so. It is so true, and should relate to everyone.

God will walk with you hand in hand in your happiest days. But it's in your times of trouble, anguish and sorrow, that he will pick you up and carry you through them. If you trust in him, he will never leave you. Even though it may feel like he's not there, and you are alone, you are never alone.

Too busy to listen.

2006-11-04T23:32:00.000-04:00

Well, my math midterm went very well. Im confident I got a good mark. I hope anyways. I have english monday, and I haven't started to study for that. I attempted but like, my ADD kicked in and I got distracted by other things caz I have very little attention spand. Tuesday and Wednesday I have Chemistry and History, so they shall be death also. I just can't wait until they are over, I hate tests caz I can't study,like I don't know how. My idea of studien is staying after school with a teacher and getting "help" in the subject. Like, it's the only way I will actuly do anything is if im being forced to one-on-one and theres no distractions. That's what I did for math, and it seems it has helped. So I plan on doing it for Chemistry and History as well.

Anyways, so I just realized today that I haven't been to youth in about a month. I forgot all about it, thats how busy i'v been. But atleast I go to church now eh? Well, twice anyways lol, but I plan on going tomaro night too. Hopefuly i'll make it out to youth on wednesday if im not to busy and remember lol. I haven't fallen from the whole god scene though, for anyone wondering. I'v just been, busy. Which isn't really a good excuse at all, caz god's never to busy for me, I know, it's just hard being human, you can only focus on so many things at once. God on the other and is intence and can focus on every single aspect to every person's life all at the same time! I dunno how he does it man! I wish I could do that with school, and friends and family, it's so rough. But it's all good.

So lately i'v been feeling kind of, different. I'v been having lot's of questions, with no answers. Question I feel I shouldn't even be asking, or thinking about. Questions that have answers no one will ever truely understand. My mother and I hit up the christian book store tonight, and I was listening to a CD by Krystal Meyers. Her songs are like, written directly to teenager strugeling in the more popular aspects in life.

"Rescue Me"
I'm carrying the weight of the world that sold me out
I'm running with my eyes closed
Hoping you don't see this doubt
I'm lost for wordsI'm at a loss to tell you what I need
I know there's something moreGod, help me to believe
And all this timeI thought the fight
The fight was only mine
I need to let you rescue me

"The Situation"
She’s finding love in the back of a car when is it too late
Have they gone too far
She’s having trouble drawing the line
But she knows she wants to feel beautiful
She struggles finding self-respect
She’ll wake up feeling regret
Her purity's been compromised
But she knows she wants to feel beautiful
He'll trade her heart
For a trophy
Put it on the shelf
So his friends can see
He has what it takes to get what he wants

Theres a bunch more too, just check em out if you want. Man like, I don't know what i'd do without music. I honestly probly get more out of music then talking to anyone. I find music really like the key to mylife. It's what keeps me together. I don't know what I would do without it. And I really liek christian music because instead of people just putting a bunch of words together to make it "sound good", they put a bunch of words together, that leave you thinking, (not about who brought sexy back) but thinking about your life. Christian music sends a positive message to you when you listen to it. I love it.

Now, the most negative thing I find myself strugeling with day after day, after day..is my past. Your past always follows you, they weren't lying when people told you that as a kid. It really doesn't ever leave you alone. Now, until tonight..I always thought of that as a bad thing, a negative aspect on my life. Something that always bothers me and brings me down. I didn't like who I was, and im so happy to of changed..BUT, theres always that link you have to your past that sometimes leaves you thinking, what if I was still that person? Would my life be alot easier then it is right now? Would I have the same grades as I do now? Would I have met some of the people I know now?..The answers to all these questions is probly not. Well, except for a probly on the life being easier then it is now. You know, is probly would be alot easier. It always use to be. But it's people who look for the easy way out of life that end up feeling empyt in the end. Because when everything is over and done with in there life, others are still experienceing more and more things because they have chosen to take the long way through life. Anywho, the point to why I finaly feel that my past isnt a negative aspect to my life, is because I heard this song by Krystal Meyers called "Lovely Traces". It explains how her past was haunting her, and although she wants to she can't forget it. But then she realizes that god even makes her bad choices in life for good reason, because it's what she had to go through to get to him.

"Lovely Traces"
I was consumed
By a life that I made
Destined to crash
Beat up and bruised
By the flashbacks of my own past
I tried to hide away
Till I heard you say
Lovely traces fall behind you
Turn around and you will see
Lovely Traces to remind you
Everything that you've been through
What it took to get you to me
All my mistakes
Regrettable choices I'd like to forget
But somehow you make
All that I wasted useful again
I lost my direction'
Cause I couldn't see
What a beautiful picture
You would complete in me

Midterms.

2006-11-02T20:01:00.000-04:00

Bonjour. So this morning I had my first midterm, French. I must say it was kinda hard, but I had a low goal for it, im hopein for a 70 lol. Which fer french is terrible but I figure she'll just give me a bad mark over all anyways like all the other years because she hates me, so why bother? I never studied at all last night for it, so I just wong it. I'v pretty well wong everything my whole life. From sports-to-school. Kelsey tells me I should write a book called "How I wong my way through life, and when I realized it just wasn't gonna cut it anymore". The chapter where I realize it's not gonan cut it, is this year. With the viewing of universities and having to choose one and my career comeing up, and realizing I need like in the 90's admission average, Why settle for 80's when I can get 90's If I try? So starting for my midterm tomaro (math) i'v decided im aiming for a 90 on it. Math right now is my lowest mark and I have an 75 in it, gettin a 90 on my midterm would bring it up to like an 85, because it's worth 30%. I stayed after school for an hour and a half yesterday, and for an hour today, to go over everything. I got a blank copy of every test and quiz i'v done so far this year, and did them all tonight. I know I know more because I was able to do them all in the amount of time it took me to do one the first time, and still get them all right. So hopefuly I get a very good mark because Im not setteling for anything less. Im gonn abe so hard on my self the next year and a half im probly going to hate life, but gettin into a good school will be worth it. Then I will have another 7 years of being hard on myself, then it's all over and done with and I can finaly start my life! Woot, pumped for that one.

Oh and I just figured out today I have a 77% in english, not including my 10% classroom mark(which is like atleast 9/10) and my story analysis tha I actuly did. So hopefuly that will bring er up some! But im happy caz thats the best english mark iv had like, ever. I had a 65 last year, which totaly brought my average down and I only had like a 83 er something. But what ev, im redeeming myself this year lol. Okay well thats an update on some of my mark-age I got goin.

Man, tomorrow's Friday! This week went by super fast. Which you would think it would of been the opposite concidering we had a 4 day weekend last week but aparently not lol. Oh well im not complainning! Although im goin to be spending most of my weekend studien because I have English, Chemistry, and History next week. Jaays.. thats gonna be rough.

Anyways, im doing alright, The stress is off for the math midterm because im confident I know it all, hmm...mabey all i'v needed to do all along is study, and I wouldn't be so stressed out? lol theres an idea. Okay well I got to head out for a shower and more studying so all let you know how the test went later.

My future, im growing up!

2006-11-01T19:10:00.000-04:00

Well today all the grade 11's(and 12's) went to the New Brunswicker to a job faire type deal. There was a bunch of universities and colages from like maritimes, ontario,main, and otheres. I myself just went mostly for the universities in the fredericton, nova scotia and new foundland. Im really looking into pyschology and sociology. Perferably Bachelor of Arts in pyschology, it's more one on one with people, Bachelor of science in pyschology is like working in labs studyin animal brains and stuff figuring out how they work. I'd rather work with people caz that intrests me more, a lab would get bouring. My three favorite universities that I came across were STU, Mount Alison, and Memorial. Theres probly otheres out there that are good too, but at the moment, theres are the ones im lookin into. Im so excited! It's like shopping, but for universities!

Oh my future is so exciting!:).. im growing up! It seems like yesterday I was just a little girl going trick-or-treating with my daddy, or off to my first day of school. I even remeber pre-school perfectly. I'v always been a social kid, loved meeting new people, and being on my own. I'v never been one to stay home, I love going out and getting away from the family. Thats why UNBSJ wasn't even an option for me lol. I don't want to stay home, I want to go out and live on my own, fend for myself, make my own rules. I can't believe im looking into universities guys!! I feel so grown up, it's kinda sad actuly, but exciting. I love being a kid though, but growing up will give me lots of new opertunities i'v never had, and mabey someday my own kids:) Aw yay!

Aw heres me and my
mother, my first birthday!

Me enjoying some cake
at my third birthday lol.
Attractive I know?

Well this is me now..
What a transformation!

You grow up so fast,
and you don't begin to
realize how important
each moment you spend
really is, until those moments
surpass you, and your left
with just the pictures and memories.

Happy Halloween!

2006-10-31T20:28:00.000-04:00

HeyHeyHey, happy halloween everybody! Man today was so much fun! So, school was good, we had a halloween assembly and Me and Jon Baxter were in the pumpkin carving contest representing grade 11, and we won! :) 10$ movie money, which is pretty sweet for carving a pumpkin! Oh I also brought my chem mark up 7% in the past week and a half! So thats good.

I went to the hospital after school fer that nerologist, aparently my pain is still being caused by my concussion. I guess it's a really bad on because he said they usualy only last 3 weeks. He also said he doesn't know how much longer it could last, he said fer all he knows this could go on for another year, but in 6 weeks if it's still actin up he's givin me some medication to knock me right out lol. I have some now but im only aloud to use it when it's like unbearable pain.

Tonight Katelyn Kelsey and I went out trick or treating for like an hour an a half! We only did my street and kelsey's loop and got a whole pillow case. (there huge streets!) I was a pumpkin, katelyn was an angel, and kelsey was a clown. We got about 10 dirty looks or rude comments for being to old but oh well caz we got good comments to on our costumes:) haha goodtimes goodtimes. I have so much candy I am just loving the fuzzy peaches right now lol. Anyways, im out of stuff to rant about so all get back to you when my life gets more exciting!

2006-10-30T21:04:00.000-04:00

Well, today was interesting. Last night I was up until like 1:30 doing my story analysis (which is done so poorly) but atleast I did it caz only like 5 people actuly did. On a happier note, one good thing happened in my life to releave some stress on school. I got a 98% on a huge math test I got back today! Best math mark iv ever gotten, and it brought my over all mark up so much because tests are worth alot, so im pretty pumped about that. Math is my worst subject this year, so goodtimes with that test.lol, except tomaro I now have a chemistry test that I totaly forgot about up until about an hour ago and I never brought my book home, lol so that should go over well :) .

Tomorrow's Halloween!!! Woooot. Im so excited! Our school is having an assembly and im sapose to be in it for the pumpkin carving contest with Jon Baxter! lol So if we actuly end up doing it that will be hilariouse. Im so pumped to trick-or-treat! Except I don't know what im gonna be yet, and I have that doctor appt. at 4 so it better not be rate long er all shit. Yay candy!!

So life, fail me now.

2006-10-29T21:09:00.000-04:00

Alrighty, so this isn't really anythign new. The topic of my blog recently seems to be "Stress". I have alot of it. Right now, im trying to complete a short story analysis of 1000 words thats due tomaro, and I have no idea how in the hell to do it. I got my mother to write out the plot and stuff for me while I was at church, but I still don't know how to peice it all together. Never leave stuff like this to the last minute aparently. My lesson has been learned. Which also kind of sucks because Tuesday I have a history term paper due, which I have yet to finsih. That shall be interesting watching me try to hand that in on time also.

So anyways, this weekend was pretty good. I saw Marie-Antoinet, went shopping, went to Julies, hung out with Katie and Cait(who I haven't hung out with in forever!), went shopping again, went to katelyns halloween party, and tonight I went to church. Which brings me to my next topic.

So tonight I went to the Teen Mass at St.Rose Church once again. I went last week and really enjoyed it. Tonight the music wasn't AS good as last time but it was still good. But before I went to church, I was really stressed out about this analysis, so I went there all pissed off. Well we sang a song called "Healer" by Ten Shekel Shirt. As I sung this song for the first time, something came over me. The words really spoke to me, and it felt as if a burden had been lifted from my life. The words are as followed

Healer, heal me
Savior, save me
Maker, change me
Lover, Love me
Caz im so tired of living for
the kind of love
that only lasts for a while
The pain, the shame
Tear me up inside

So I fall on my knees
To get back on my feet again
And I cry out for you
Would you please speak to me

This song is so amazing. Something in it really touched me. Then during comunion, as I received Christ and knelt down in my peu, I started to pray for forgiveness and healing. Suddenly al my emotions of stress, love and pain rushed through my body, and I began to cry. Not noticable to anyone beside me, but tears started to run down my cheek. It was then I realized, I have been so over whelmed with stress lately, I haven't had anytime for God. And it was in this moment where I just gave all my stress up to god to hold, while I go on with my life. Now, I do believe I still have stress, im kinda stressed right now about this English thing, but I seem to care about it alot less then a few hours ago. I think i'v decided not to finish it. I can't handel all this right now, and I need time for me, school needs to just leave me alone right now before I go nuts. Which will happen soon because I have midterms starting Thursday until next Wednesday. But anyways, I just thought I'd share the song and stuff with you because I really enjoyed it, and I do believe Jesus is real and that he can speak to you through songs, people, verses, anything at all really. Just as long as you keep your eyes open and are willing to accept and receive what the Lord is trying to tell you, you will hear him.

R2.. what!?

2006-10-29T00:37:00.000-03:00

Katelyn had her round2 party tonight lol. It was a halloween costume party so everyone was sapose to dress up! Most did except a few boys. I was a school girl, lol always wanted to be one of them. It was a pretty good time. Although my head is killin me now from the music and people yelling and shit, but it was fun. I don't really have much to say about it because a parties a party, but I have a bunch of pictures so I will post them!

For more pictures go to my site, photos;2006-2007 R2.

http://www.piczo.com/alyson-leah

Anxiety Attack?.

2006-10-26T23:33:00.000-03:00

Hey, sorrie about the last post. I don't know what came over me. I was just over whelmed with all this stress abotu everything and I had an anxiety attack. I'v never had one and it was the worst experience of my life. My mom told me what was wrong with my because I have never had an attack before, and she asked me what I was so stressed out about, but I couldn't exactly tell her the whole story, so it wasn't much help. But then I went to Julie's after it to calm myself down and get my mind off of things. It helped a bit. I think I need to slow myself down. I obviously can't handel my life right now. So people please just try and make my life as least stressfull as possible before I go nuts lol. Anyways, just wanted to apologize for the last post. I just need a good sleep! Speaking of which, im gonna hit that up. Night